2:53am
Hey babe,
Ugh. Another night of I can't sleep. This always happens to me during my period and I have no idea why. But instead of laying here with my eyes closed tossing and turning, I decided I'm going to write to you instead.
So... Last night as I was turning in for bed I get this text from Tim asking me if I was still awake (this is at like 2am). I answered him back and we got to talking and he tried to cyber with me. I am proud of the way I handled myself. I didn't tell him to fuck off or anything, just said that I didn't feel comfortable doing that because eventually I'm going to see him again and i want to be able to look him in the eyes. Now... I don't cyber that often, if at all anymore. But you know... Sometimes it's a really long time between the times I see Larry and I don't want to go out and have meaningless sex with someone. But you know... I have found that even my cyber sex partners get clingy and possessive after a while. So I just deal with things by myself which is fine with me. But a lot of the time I don't think about it, which is okay too. Ever since I started having problems in that area I don't masturbate as much as I used to. But anyway... I said I didn't feel comfortable with him knowing how to turn me on and he asked me if I thought he would use that power for evil? And I'm thinking... He just might. So anyway, it's still at that stage where I think it's cute that he's trying even though I haven't given him anything to go on. No pictures of anything, no encouragement, no anything really. This is the way I feel about sex. To get to my vagina, you have to go through my heart first. And I am very very VERY protective of that. Yes, Larry did get through and he still has access. But even I know that it's eventually gotta go somewhere or he has to let me go. But I'm not going to push it right now. But even so, I am still open to the possibility of someone else who can get through to my heart. I think this Tim guy, as sweet as he is, is going about things the wrong way. He's trying to get into my pants. And not even trying to talk to me or get to know me (at least not right now). He already has that foundation with someone else. Which is what I mean when I say I know in my heart that he's not meant for me and that's why nothing is going to happen. It's great that he has a crush on me or whatever, but he hasn't even asked me how I feel about anything and at first I was so overwhelmed about the whole thing that it took a while to process how I really feel. But please don't hate on this guy. He's not a jerk. He is only human. And you can't fault someone for having a crush on me lol. But I want someone who I know for a FACT belongs to me. And I think that person is Larry until someone can prove otherwise to me. I know you don't approve and you can only go on what I tell you which in the past has been mainly negative. But I was in a bad place trying to make a relationship happen when I should have been focusing on myself more which is how I got blindsided in the first place. Now, I still think that he jumped into things with me a little too quickly as well. But it was both of us, not just one person's fault.
But anyway, I know I am strong enough to deal with this as a woman and a goddess and not create stupid drama. But if he doesn't try and make more of an effort to get to know me and just keeps bugging me for sex I am going to have to tell him to stop talking to me like that or I'm just not going to deal with you at all. And you know as well as I do that that's not a fun place to be. Man... I hope I don't sound conceited. I'm really not trying to be. It's just that... I know what I'm worth. I know I'm cute and people can get enamored with me. But that is mostly physical and what I'm looking for is someone who likes me for my heart and all that I'm showing him from the emotional side and spiritual as well. And this Tim guy has no idea that that's what it's going to take for me to consider dating him. He just has no idea because all he can think about is the physical part and that turns me off. I know you're thinking that Larry is like that too but he knew me way before I saw any of this for myself and he was able to see me for things other than the physical, at least I'm hoping lol. But yeah I hope I get a chance to explain that to this guy before wild magic so I can avoid a scene but all that's in my head right now is what I see happening at wild magic. Him trying to talk to me and me trying to avoid it and I see him trying to touch me (not in a bad way) also and it's like... Ugh I just want to deal with this now but kind of hard when the only time I hear from him is when he's horny.
Stupid boys. Speaking of which, I heard from Geoff tonight. Actually I talked to him for a bit. I decided that a break was good because for a while the only people I was hanging out with were boys so in the past couple of months I have been branching out and hanging with my girls. But I miss Geoff. The thought of dating him even popped into my head for a bit but... Ugh too weird for me lol. But I guess he tried to join some type of dating website that did not go over well but he wouldn't tell me which one. Jerk lol.
At any rate... I really hope I can get to bed soon. My hand just fell asleep. Oh so get this... My buddy Mark is back in town and I guess he's with Kristen Regul again?!? He got her pregnant my junior year of high school and she has had.... 7 babies total? Since then? Only the last 2 have the same dad (and were the only ones she was allowed to keep). And every single one of those kids has the worst crooked teeth ever because of her. And I guess one of these days I'm gonna go pay them a visit (?!?). We will see if that actually happens.
Alright so... Going to pee one more time and then see if I can fall asleep. Wish me luck.
Love, me
3:30am
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