11:56am
Hey sweets,
I'm going to write this out, then brush my teeth and work on some stuff before taking my dad to the chiropractor at 4:30pm. After that I have no idea what I'm doing. Might go out for sushi later, I don't know.
So.... This was a very busy week. Monday I picked Mark up but he wasn't ready by the time I got there. He told me that the lady who normally watches the kids was sick so he didn't know if we were going to have to stay there or not. So we stayed until Kristin got home. Even though she knew I was there, when she walked through the door she started yelling like I was disrespecting her by being there because she told me I wasn't welcome. (I kept my mouth shut but was thinking that 2 days before that she actually called me and asked me to come over there because she was worried about Mark). Mainly I could just tell she was waiting for me to get either whiny or bitchy so she could have a legit reason to yell at me. Frankly, I just kept my mouth shut and didn't give her anything. I really wanted to get out of there but Mark still wasn't ready. And then thankfully my dad called and said he was throwing up so we finally left.
After we got home, my dad was still not feeling well but he wasn't barfing. I didn't really have that much planned other than the fact that I wanted to go to the park so we did. But before that happened, we just talked about stuff and he told me that on August 1st, Kristin and her husband were moving in together in an apartment that's in the same complex and that her parents, her sister Audrey and their son (Mark and Kristin have a 12 year old son that her parents adopted) are moving in with him. So once that happens it will be less crazy because it'll be Mark's and their house and not Mark and Kristin's house so she really can't bitch about whether or not I'm there. I know it's still her family and everything but for now it's a slight improvement. I might actually feel comfortable staying there.
So... Mark actually ended up staying until I dropped him off on Wednesday morning. He was telling me how he wasn't sleeping or eating but he felt so comfortable over here that he did both. And... Stuff happened lol. I dunno... We were both in the living room and then he asked if he could take a nap so I took him to my room and we laid down. And I'm not sure how this happened but he just started kissing me. It was the sweetest thing in the world because he would stop every once in a while to say that he had no idea and he was sorry it took him so long (to realize that I was right in front of his face this entire time, I guess). I said it was ok. Because frankly... This is how I feel. I've loved him in one way or another since I've known him. But I accepted the fact that nothing would ever happen and life went on. Over the years we've had our arguments but he's always said that I'm the kind of woman he could picture a future with. And my friend Angel even told me this. That I'm the kind of woman that guys feel like they could have a real relationship with so at Loth I don't get approached a lot because most of them aren't ready or looking for that. So... It's not like I've been miserable and waiting for him all this time. I was perfectly happy just being his friend. But it's a reason why I felt the way I always have around him. I can remember times where we've just snuggled and I would try it with other boys I was friends with and I wouldn't get the same feeling. It wasn't a bad feeling, just wasn't the same as with Mark. But for some reason I just understood that he was out there living his own life. I never thought in a million years he'd be back here. And he even said that when he was on his way back here I was one of the things on his mind. Me and a future with me. It made me think that somewhere deep down he's always had feelings for me too. But he told me he didn't know how to deal with them, and that if we had gotten together earlier he probably would have ruined it by now. I just told him that it's not like I was always a perfect angel, you know? So... We talked about that a lot over the course of the time he was here.
I have no idea how things are going to work out. But for the first time in my life, I want to enjoy what I have right now instead of try too hard to make something happen. I feel like that expectation and having things not work out is what burns people the most. All I do know is that for the first time, the instinct to run isn't there. I know he's not perfect and he still has lots of things to fix about himself but I know in my heart he's not counting on me to fix anything. And I already told him I wouldn't.
So... This brings us to Wednesday. Larry day. At first I wasn't going to respond back but of course I did anyway. At first... I just kept the conversation to a minimum and he was the one asking me all this stuff, trying to make small talk. He asked me if anything was new and I felt like saying "yeah, I found a guy who wouldn't crawl through my window and then never text me again" but I didn't. I just said "nothing much." and then he asked me how my dad was doing. And that's when I just lost it. I said, "yeah, something is new. I locked my bedroom window and I think I'm going to keep it that way. How dare you ask me how my dad is like you even give a shit. Please fuck off." or something along those lines. Then I turned my phone off and walked around for a while. When I came back I had thought about leaving it off but then I thought it was stupid, why punish everyone because he's the asshole. So I turned it back on and I saw that he left a couple messages but I will never know what they said because I deleted them. I thought about never responding but then I thought that I need to get all of this off my chest. This is what's left of our conversation (the part I actually saved):
Me: the last time we were together I let my guard down in a way that I never have before and your answer to that was to stop talking to me for however long it took you to text me again. For someone to claim that he loves me and wants me to be happy, you really had a shitty way of showing it. I deserve better than that. I really do not know what your issues are with women but I really hope you treat the next one better than you treated me.
Him: I tested you when I came back from Columbus never heard back. I messaged you thanks for the birthday wishes and didn't hear back. I thought something was up so I let it be for a little.
Me: I texted you that Wednesday about something all you said was one word answers and then stopped talking. I thought we were past this.
Him: probably cause I was busy at work. I was covering more than one job.
Me: your answer was to test me after everything I said that night... After everything that happened last summer and you knew how I felt about it already. I really do not understand that. But frankly at this point I'm so hurt that I don't even care what was going through your mind.
Him: text not test
Me: I still did not get anything
Him: well all I can do is say I'm sorry now. And if you truly want I'll never contact you again unless you do first
Me: fair enough
Him: goodbye Rita I do hope that everything works out for you. And I'm so sorry that I hurt you.
Me: all I really wanted was to just be with you. But I'm sick of being hurt by you. I'm sick of all you can say is that you're sorry.
Him: fair enough.
Me: I did everything to show you that you were the person I wanted to be with. I have no idea how much simpler I could have made it. But you just didn't want to be with me because we would be together now if that was what you wanted as well. I am going to stop blowing up your phone now.
So... That is pretty much it. I do not believe him at all that he messaged me because if he sent me a text, I would have gotten it. And if he was busy, he would have said so. And at least said something like he had texted me but hadn't heard back... Something. He would not have left me hanging. But that's exactly what he did. By the first week of not hearing anything, I was just plain done. It makes me mad to even think about it right now. I was okay with just being friends, why did we have to start sleeping together at all? But honestly... A part of me wants to text him and try and fix this and at least try and be friends. But there is a bigger part of me that is saying to just let go... He really does not deserve to be in my life at all. If I did try and fix it, I'd be opening the door for him to try and get me to unlock my window. And things just started with Mark. I let him influence my last 2 tries, I'm not letting him get anywhere near this one. That's another reason why I had to be the way that I was. I will be damned if I'm gonna let him crawl his way back when I'm happy with somebody else... Again. I got more out of the two days Mark was here than I ever got with Larry. Once we slept together he stopped being open and honest with me. It would come out a little bit but not the way I needed. I think whatever he's gone through in past relationships has really screwed him up good. But I can't fix it and I can't make him want to be with me.
Ugh I have so much more I need to write but I have stuff to work on and all of this. So... I will be back. Love!!
Rita
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