December 17th, 2013
2:06am
Hey Chels,
Man... I can't believe it's after 2am already. That to me is just plain crazy. I have to talk to you about something... I don't know what it is, but I feel like I've been neglecting you lately. Neglecting you, the nb... I dunno. I don't mean to. I've just been so worn out with dad stuff, you know? Today he went insane and had to be removed from the rehab floor back down to the medical floor. The hospital called my house and I was trying to explain to the nurse that I was the daughter, but the woman misunderstood and told my dad that his wife was on the phone. So I told him I was sorry I couldn't see him today because of the snow, and he said it was okay. And then something weird happened. He was asking for my mom's number and I asked him if he had a pen and paper and he said no and I asked if he could give me to someone who did and then he said, "I think I'm dying," and then the nurse picked the phone back up and I was just about to give someone my mom's cell number and I heard all this commotion and the line went dead. And it turned out they had my mom's cell number on hand because they called her and told her they had to wrestle my dad to the ground or something. Yesterday was so good and then today was nuts. And they keep asking if either me or my mom will stay with him. Ummmm..... no. My mom has to work and I need to stay functional.... being awake for hours on end is not condusive to that. Plus, there's no real place for me to stay, i'd have to sit in a chair all night. And then I guess drive home with no sleep and somehow get home and crash for a minute until I have to get up and do whatever errands I have to do that day because I am an adult and I do have responsibilities just like anyone else. Yes, my dad is my job, but he's in the hospital's care right now. There should already be someone available to watch him at night. Our jobs should be taking care of ourselves so we don't get sick and seeing him when we can. That should be it. I really hope my dad gets to come home soon because this is nonsense. I get that they want him to be better before coming home and I really believe that he's in a better place, it's just fucked up the way things are happening. He comes in for an obstructed bowel and it doesn't correct itself for 10 days. The steroids work but make him aggressive. So, they put him on anti-psych meds that make him paranoid. He goes off those and has two really good days, followed by a morning of being "suicidal" and then something really fucked up happening that I still don't know what. So now he's back in the medical part. What the hell is going on right now? I have no freaking clue how I'm getting through all this besides Mark.
I think that's another reason why I've been distant. In the past as you've noticed I was always way open (maybe a little bit too much), about my love life. But now... I dunno. I finally feel like I have found happiness and I feel like I can't really share it with you. At this point it seems silly but i guess I just got into the habit of not saying anything after that whole big thing earlier this year about how you were pissed that we were together. You know, from your point of view, I know it seemed a bit sudden, especially after making that video about addiction. And I still feel that way. But after I had time to think about it, I changed my mind because I'm in love with him and I didn't want to wait a year. And he's been sober now for 5 months. Which isn't a long time but for someone who drank as lot... 5 months is a while. How do I know that it's for real? There's alcohol in the house. If he really wanted to get his hands on some he wouldn't have to go very far. But he hasn't shown an interest in drinking since he's been here. He chose sobreity, his kid and me over alcohol. If he was still drinking, I know he wouldn't have any money to spend on saving up to get his own place or getting his kid stuff for Christmas or anything. I know he takes pride in not being tied to that lifestyle anymore. And I know he cherishes what we have, which couldn't be what it is today if he hadn't quit drinking. Because as much as I feel for him, if he did go back to it after he got out of jail, I wouldn't have been able to be with him at all. I know myself, I wouldn't have been okay with it.
The best news in this whole scenario is that it seems as if stupid face is gone forever. Which is stupid, but then again pitching a fit at me because she was jealous wasn't so bright, either. And then getting into trouble for the very thing she accused him of doing. Except she hit her own family. So dumb.
At any rate.... I want you to know that I am working very hard on my angel wings story so that it can be done before you get up here. I'm doing volumes 5, 6 and 9 as well so the other ones can be books. I have a list of which books/originals to make for you. And I want to do it all at once. So... from here on out I'm going to have a sort of hectic schedule. I know you love me no matter what and I can always adjust and take my time to finish, but that's just not me. Unless I send volumes 2+3 with the cookies and I can write your letter as well... hmm. I might have a box that will fit all of that. If not... oh well lol. And to top it off, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to print out the rest of volume 12, just to get it out of the way. But I will see how much time i have for that, it really isn't going anywhere. I am fairly certain already that I have enough material to fill at least 3 notebooks. I already have volume 14 all filled out and waiting, 16 will be our activity book. What I want to do is this: make room for pictures and in the picture space write something like: show me a picture of what love means to you. Or what you were really excited about that day. And when we have visits we can document those. And then something like... write the lyrics to your favorite song. Now, write your own poem with the title. La de dah. It'll be our life at that moment. What I think I'm going to do is finish the next two notebooks I have the way I already arranged. Then, when I'm finished with 14, whatever I have written down is going to be Volume 16 and that will just be a book for us. And then after I'm all caught up, start the activity book. But, I can start brainstorming more ideas now so by the time it happens, we can get to the fun part because the work part will already be finished. But.... I'm giving myself until the end of this year to write a chapter a day of Angel wings, so far I'm 4 chapters behind. So, tomorrow is a huge writing day plus take Mark to work, then visit my dad in the hospital, then pick mark up, then home. Then Wednesday is Mark works 11-5, visit dad somewhere in between, pick Mark up, cookies, Tarot group. Actually, Wednesday and Thursday my mom has off so we are going gung ho on the cookie making. So if I want any writing done it has to be in the morning.
So... it's 3:07am and I have to rearrange my man so I can sleep without him snoring through my ear plugs. I love you!!!
Rita
3:08am
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