1:13am
Hey Chels,
I have a question. Would you be incredibly mad if I didn't handwrite all of my nbs? I just feel like it's going to take forever if I write all of it out, so I'm planning on printing out some of the stuff and then handwriting some. It will just save me bunches of time. And we need another poetry day and I need to go back and find our poems. But first... I need sleep because I feel like utter crap. I really do. I can't wait to go camping because I need a break from being here and yet I feel so miserable that I hope I'm okay enough to enjoy everything. But I think that aside from letting people know I got to the place safely, I'm just going to have my phone off and not even worry about it. That is the thing that I'm looking forward to the most. I remember last year, before my trip to see Stephanie, I sent Larry a video and I had hoped that we could see each other before I left. This time, a part of me still wants to say something at least, but aside from that I'm not making any promise to see him before I leave or after I get back. I feel like I'm okay if I leave him alone for a minute. At least we can talk to each other like normal people now whereas a year ago, we really couldn't. So we have come a long way even if I don't see it now. I think I'll give us a little more time before calling it quits for good. I'm not ready to do that yet and I'm sure he isn't either.
I have to say, going back to our first notebook has really brought some incredible memories back to me. Like how you would say how much you loved David and in the same breath he'd do something to piss you off. And then I was struggling coming to terms with the fact that Brian had a huge problem with alcohol, and pretty much all of the financial burden fell on my shoulders. He wouldn't apply to any place else because he felt that he ran Best Buy and if he had a hangover he could just not show up for work 3 days in a row. And I can just picture myself sitting on the curb at your work that day, just crying that Brian was doing all this stuff and inviting bad people in that just took advantage of me and I was so stuck. I was finally living in Florida, a place I've wanted to live in since I was at least 12, and I had a job and was putting myself through school and you were there... Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I had left in 2007. Would we still have gotten into that huge fight? I know for a fact I wouldn't have finished school but I might have been able to transfer, and another thing... Ryan. I definitely would not have met him. I think I was meant to meet him to help you get over him because he was a complete tool to the both of us. Sometimes I still cannot believe that I dated him... Seeing you write about him before that time is still so weird to me. But it all happened and it's our whole story and I'm going to turn it all into books. I'm giving myself until June 1st to do nothing but type this out. Then starting June 1st (or whatever that Monday is) I'm going to start studying again. This time I'm going to do 25 questions a day. Then I'm going to have 1 hour of book reading (for nbs) and then the rest of the day will be dedicated to typing the books up. I think this will be my summer project. And then I'm going to dedicate one whole day to actual writing in my most recent notebook, volume 12. Maybe Sundays which should also be poetry days :). And I'm pretty sure you said you wanted those poems printed out so I can do that for you.
Alright my dear. This year I'm making things happen, getting things updated and finished. And hopefully by Christmas you will have in your possession all of our notebooks + a poetry notebook spanning all of our notebook poetry together + a book of all our letters that we've written to each other (if you want that one). Plus volumes 12 and 14 in the works. I feel like my original journals are okay just the way they are because there's too much in there for me to go through and it's all okay. But I'm sure you would enjoy a copy of all our stuff. So we both have equal pieces of each other :). Time for bed!
1:39am
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