February 14th, 2013

February 14th, 2013
12:48am

Dear Chels,
Wow, you know what I just realized? Two years ago today, Barry got me flowers. Last year he was in jail. This year, Joe got me flowers, candy, a card, and slept over on Saturday night. And today he thanked me for being the highlight of his day. I just about melted, Chels. It is amazing what a difference a year makes. This time last year I was so broken inside. I felt like I literally split in two. There was my old self who loved and was in love with Barry and who was trying desperately to hold on, and then my new self that found the strength to let go. And now this year I'm involved in this play that celebrates women and what they've gone through. I am so proud of myself for finding the strength to volunteer to not only help, but have a part. I have been saying for a long time that I wanted to act again. I feel like this goddess group is everything that I have asked for and more. I finally found a great group of women (and Jason) who understand me in a way I have never been understood before, who I feel confident enough with to share myself with, and who force me to get out of my comfort zone and do something that's bigger than myself. I feel like I have finally found me.

It took everything I had not to take Barry back. A few times I had the thought that it would be so easy just to take him back and pretend like what he did was okay. But I just couldn't face him and I still can't. I probably could if I had to, but I don't even want to think about speaking to him ever again. I had a conversation with Mike the other night. Mike. And it was still easier than what I would have to deal with regarding Barry. Yes, Mike did a lot of things that were very fucked up. And maybe in time I will not feel as horrible as I do now about the thought of speaking to Barry again. But at least Mike didn't endanger my life. At least he didn't shoot heroin into his body. What Mike did was stupid, yes. But what Barry did was so much worse.

I know this is going to sound so fucked up. Feel free to judge me, I don't even care. But I hope that today Barry is remembering last year and how he called me from jail. I hope he remembers how he treated me those last few months and I hope he feels horrible that I'm not even speaking to him and haven't since he came to pick up his stuff in April last year. I hope that it eats him up inside, the pain he caused another human being and not even being able to get closure. I know that shit must sting, even just a little. But I know he's the sentimental kind. So I know he would be thinking about last year and how shitty things were. Although I'm pretty sure he's remembering it quite differently, thinking I abandoned him in his hour of need and then telling everyone that I knew what he was doing. Bitch please, you think I would keep that shit to myself? Of course not. But whatever, he made his bed, he has to lay in it.

Even though things didn't exactly work out between Larry and me, or James and me, I am happy where I'm at right now. I would probably still be hung up on Larry if Joe hadn't of come along but I did cut him off from having sex with me before then.  Speaking of Joe..

I am kind of nervous about something. This is going to be a tmi moment so... You've been warned. So... He is coming over on Sunday to spend the day with me. And we talked about what happened the last time he was here and how we weren't prepared and all of that. Anyway, I had told him that I would give him head if he wanted and he declined. But then he told me that he wanted to cash in his bj raincheck. Now... I know I've said this before. But I really don't mind blowjobs and I will tell you why. I enjoy turning someone on and making them feel special and like I actually care about them. Plus it turns me on to turn someone else on. Which is a great attitude to have even before you start. But I'm just nervous he won't like my technique or something. The last blowjob I gave was kind of strange. And I didn't get a chance to practice again because I had to break up with that guy. But he just wanted me to make him cum and I couldn't because of whatever reason. I know every guy is different or whatever, I just have never had to finish someone off that way because somewhere in the middle the guy would stop me because he wanted to have sex to finish. And I think that's what I'm nervous about. But I want to be able to do something special for him and I want him to enjoy himself. I don't want to tell him that I'm nervous about it because then he would feel weird about "making" me do it. I don't feel like he's making me do anything. I just want to give him something he'll remember lol.

I know you really don't want to hear how things go, but you know that I have to make an update. So I will just say yay or nay lol

Oh and before I forget... Am I the only person in the world who worries about this sort of thing?

1:23am