March 11th, 2013

march 11th, 2013
11:37am

Hey Chels,
It has been so long since I've written in an actual notebook that when I do, it's just plain strange. In the nb I'm working on, I'm still in the month of August. But I'm almost done with chapter 1 so we are getting somewhere. I think I have enough material for going on 3 notebooks now. Lol. But anyway...
So, this weekend was something else. On Saturday I didn't talk to Joe at all. He never texted me and I just needed a break. What he had said scared me a little and I needed time to figure out what I was going to do. Ultimately I decided on two options. One would be bowing out now and saying it isn't worth getting hurt over and all that. The other one would be to give things a chance to develop. He was probably telling me that he gets bored after a while because the relationship isn't based on anything real. It was the same thing James was talking about when he said he'd eventually get bored of having sex. I took it personally then also. But I understand that sex does get boring after a while, especially if there's no connection or anything else tying you to someone. To me, sex doesn't really get boring, but in the past it's been a way to validate things. Like, he's still having sex with me so things must still be okay, when they obviously weren't. So that's why I made a promise to myself to not have sex until I was in another relationship. I don't think one time is going to kill me but I made such a big deal about it. So of course I freak out when he tells me sex isn't that important to him. To me that means there's room for other stuff and time for us to figure out where we want to take things without being clouded by the physical things. I am fully okay with not having sex, as long as when I do it is with someone who I feel I have a connection with and I know deep down he isn't just using me for sex. So... In contemplating all of this, I decided to stick around to see how things did develop. And maybe because we established a connection based on things other than the physical, we could have something better than what we have both had before. For all I know, it could come back to bite me in the ass later. But at least this time I'm not running scared at the first sign of things not being perfect. I'm pretty much over Barry and the whole thing. But I think my heart is more fragile than it used to be. Instead of ignoring certain things, I can't anymore. I have to seriously think about what is best for me.
I know that cutting James loose was the right choice. He acted in such a hurtful way that I knew he just wanted me back and he wasn't going to wait until I was ready. He just wanted what he wanted. Even if Joe and I weren't together, I don't think I could have taken James back. For one thing, I'd never be able to see him because my dad is having seizures daily. And he has a thing about driving for too long. So oh well. This time around, even though I was mad at Joe, I didn't feel like things were my fault. In the past I would always feel like whatever was wrong was somehow my fault. He never even knew that I was mad, either. I was going to leave him alone until today but I texted him anyway and we ended up having a conversation.

--break time--