March 22nd, 2013

March 22nd, 2013
12:57pm

Hey Chels,
It has been a very long time since I've written in here, at least that's what it feels like to me. The cool thing is, right now I'm actually listening to music as I write this.
So... This week has been really tough. Joe and I had a talk on Wednesday morning. At first he was telling me not to waste my time on him if something better came along because this sort of thing happens when he doesn't take his meds. And I was just saying that I would rather be alone than worry about someone I don't care about half as much as I care about him. So I guess we decided to keep hanging out and he likes having me around. But I really have no idea if he just wants to be friends and leave the romantic part out of it or continue with what we were doing before. He said that this is why he keeps his distance from people, and something about being alone but I don't remember. But this is how I feel... It's not like he's the only one who is broken and I'm perfect. The last person I gave my heart to was Barry and although I've come a long way, I find myself shutting down a lot easier than I used to. So it would be easier for me to just say "this is too hard, let's just be friends and nothing else" and have that be that. But from the way he's been to me, I don't want to give up on him and decide that it's too hard. I want to give things a chance to either work out or not. Let me decide for myself if he's no good for me or not.
But I still don't know what he wants and if he just wants to remain friends or if he wants to give us a chance, too. I actually wrote him a note and asked him that. I would just text him but... After Wednesday he's been acting like he's been acting the past couple of weeks so I don't think I want to try and talk to him about this until I have him right in front of me.

So... Today is my first day alone with my dad and I'm kind of scared. I am going to a party later and he'll be home alone for only a little bit. But he has new blood pressure meds and we're supposed to check his blood pressure before giving it to him. The good news is he stopped barfing and he has a new anxiety med that seems to be working so. Yay.

Alright, I need to start getting up. I need to meditate on all this stuff and sort my head out. Love you!!

1:21pm