10:45am
Hey Chels,
What's up? I'm still laying in bed right now. Today is my chiropractor/tarot group day. I still feel so worn out... I've gone through about a billion emotions these past few days. I decided that I can't be with Mark right now until he gets sober. Because it's the things he does when he's drunk that get him into trouble. I don't even care what the real story is, who hit who first, blah blah blah whatever. The point is, he could have done a million things differently that night. If it was really her provoking him, he could have gone outside before it even escalated. But no. He chose to be stupid and it cost him his freedom for the moment, but not only that, it cost him his time with me. I feel like if he had really wanted things to work out with us he would have done everything in his power to make sure he stuck around. But the way things were going, I'm pretty sure he still would have been drinking and then what would happen if he got too rough with me? I would have had to call the police on him and you best believe I would have pressed charges because I feel like nobody is doing him any favors by not pressing charges if he does get violent. Which brings me to my next point. I'm not saying this will happen. But if I do decide to take him back he needs to have been sober for a year. If he can't wait that long and if he decides to find someone else who won't make him wait a year then fine, that's his prerogative. Also shows me where his heart really is. But at the same time, I don't want it to be like "be sober for a year and then I'll definitely go out with you again." no. It's "find a program that works for you, get your life together, get sober because you don't want anything to compromise that life, while being sober because it feels right for you, and if I haven't found anyone else by the time a year is up then we can talk." I'm willing to wait at least a little while but if someone shows up who I feel I need to find out what's going on there... I'm not going to limit myself. But I'm not really looking for anything right now, anyway. So it works for now. He's not a bad guy. He just has issues with alcohol and I wish he could get better because he wanted to. But if he can't, I can't fix him. I can be his friend and be there for him if he needs someone (if he feels the need to drink) but I just can't keep my heart open to him... It hurts too much. I need to mourn the loss of what could have been, at least for now, and find it in my heart to forgive him for being selfish and hurting me and letting Kristin read our conversation. She's so two faced. Apologizing to me and calling me a victim? Bitch please. It's not like I'm perfect. But it's probably taken way out of context and I have to feel like she is partly responsible for this. Not for his drinking because he could have totally chosen not to, but her behavior from the past week or so. Because right after she sent me these apology messages, she disappears completely off of Facebook. So... I have to think that there's more to the story than he just got drunk and started beating her up. I mean... He obviously did something, but she's more involved in this than she's letting on. She was protecting her family from... Me? If she really wanted to protect her family and help Mark out she should have stopped allowing alcohol into the house and found some help for him. Instead of calling me names and harassing me for no reason. I didn't do anything to her. Just didn't realize just how insecure she really is.
Alright I'm going in circles here. I have my group tonight so I need to stay calm and happy to prepare for that. I love you and I promise to take care of myself and not make any promises to do anything because a lot can change in the future. I'm sure this is partly why I felt so scared the whole time we were together, like it was all an illusion and being in jail brought me back to reality. Sad but true.
Love!!
Rita
11:16am
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