12:32am
Hey Chels,
I'm so glad I got to talk to you today. I have missed you so much! But I know that you're sick so I'm not going to hold it against you if I don't hear from you as often.
So, today I was inspired to rededicate my tarot card deck so I'm going to start doing readings in here again (or at least mini readings). I had planned on doing that before and it never got done so... I'm gonna see if I can start fresh now. Same as with everything else. And if I run out of room then I'll just get a new nb. I mean, i'm making these into books for you anyway so I can keep writing and doing whatever if I want to. I have decided that once I'm done with your books and I see how they've turned out, I'm gonna make more books out of all my notebooks because frankly, I don't have room for all of them. And if I have no way of saving a picture or article I'll rip it out of the actual nb and make a NEW nb out of it. I feel like these notebooks are my destiny in a way and I would like to preserve them as best as I can. i still have my own journals, but there's more on LJ than anything.
So.... I do remember something I had forgotten before about Monique's reading. She said that she saw the warrior Joan of Arc surrounding me, which is awesome because as crazy as this sounds, I have actually felt like I have gone through a messy battle of my own and I survived. Granted, she got burned at the stake, but her legacy will always be around. And I felt like she was right there with me, picking me up and pushing me to be strong. Of course there is God too, I'm not saying He wasn't there. He is always there. But I felt her spirit STRONGLY, especially in my decisions to say goodbye.
Also, Monique told me that she saw me on the top of a mountain with blood running down it, like there was definitely some symbolic bloodshed from this fight, but that in my case the blood moreso represented "crawling my way out blood and fire," and also rebirth. Also, she said that when all this happened to me I stabbed myself and that halted everything--creativity, relationships, even sex. Basically anything that moves me or makes me feel strong emotions. But I'm slowly taking it out, allowing the blood to flow through my veins again and I'm slowly getting back into myself. Oh--and that I'm becoming the person I've always wanted to be and things are coming together for me in my life. Oh--and the fay wants me to do more magic. Well, okay fine :).
Mostly I just feel like I've been through hell and a part of me doesn't know what to do if I'm not constantly obsessing about something. But I'm going to make a conscious effort to meditate more and clear my mind of the bullshit. Because this is my time and I'm missing it. Cuz one day I'll be in a relationship again and I don't want to regret not taking real time out for myself while I had the chance.
well my dear it's my bedtime. Gotta brush my teeth, comb my hair out, and watch some Olga Kay until I fall asleep.
<3,
me
12:59am
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