12:19am
Hey Chels,
OMFG what a day! I am so exhausted but I need to write about all of this before I go to sleep. So, my day started off by talking to Nichole for a bit. I declined to go to the baby shower but I still want to get her something so I asked for her address and we got to talking. She said that she always liked the fact that I'm a good friend and I care about people. I said that I hated leaving you guys (the kids) but I just couldn't be with Mike anymore and I'm so glad that she saw past what everyone else didn't. I am so thankful that I get a second chance at friendship with her and see her get to be a mom as well. At least the guy she's with isn't a total douche so maybe I can see her more than once? Who knows. I'm just glad SOMEONE from my old life even wants me around. I'd be okay if no one did but my heart would hurt a SHIT TON more. It's so hard to be attached to children and then have to leave and the worst part is that you can't even explain why you're gone because it's not your "real" family. Except in Barry's case I got closer to his cousin Stephanie after he went to jail.
But anyway--ugh I am so tired! I'm sorry but I have to cut this short but thankfully I will have time tomorrow to finish my story and get some new nbs ready.
Oh--Monique and I did talk about Larry and we both came to the conclusion that I'm just not ready yet. But like... if it gets later in the year and he's still "too busy" for me then fine. She said that he had been trying to figure out how to fit me into HIS life but not really thinking about how he would factor into mine. I actually had the same thought and I said that when the time is right, we will fit into each other's lives. And if we don't, then oh well. But you know what--at least *I* am willing to wait and *I* won't be the reason why we aren't together. It will be because he's a moron. But... this isn't anything new, she was validating everything I had been writing about in here--putting my romantic life on hold while I heal, not feeling sexual at all, extremely self protective--all of which is perfectly normal to feel which is a relief to hear. I just dunno why I would get shown how great things could be with Larry just to have it end--I really hope that gets picked up again.
Alright--and on THAT note, I'm going to pee (again) and then tucking myself in to watch some Olga Kay videos (if I don't crash first).
<3,
me
12:44am
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7:27am
Hey Chels,
ugh I am up so early! Sometimes I can go back to sleep and other times I just can't. But I wanted to write about something that was on my mind. A part of me thinks I should try and just get over Larry. I mean, he went from being all about me to not talking to me at all. Since I've actively stopped talking to him he hasn't texted me once besides to answer me back. It really sucks because another part of me still wants to wait and I'm not writing him off completely but I'm just sick of this. It pisses me off because why start up anything at all if it was just going to be like this? I didn't do anything to deserve this, that's for sure. I know I'm not ready for anything more than friendship right now and blah blah blah... but I think that he better have the guts to be honest with me like he said he would be. He's gonna hear from me on his birthday next week but after that... I dunno. I just need to get over these feelings of being stuck with feelings I can't do anything with. He is the one who wanted to kiss me, you know? I didn't come up with the idea of us as a possibility on my own and I think there IS really good stuff there. I just need to separate myself from him for a while I guess and maybe it will pick up again. I just don't get why he'd have me fall for him a tiny bit and be comfortable around him if he wasn't going to do anything about it. And I KNOW his intentions were good. I just don't get this, I guess. STUPID BOYS! The bad ones screw ya, and the good ones screw ya.
<3,
me
7:42am
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2:00pm
Hey Chels,
Wow, I was a little whiney earlier, lol. I mean like, isn't this essentially what I've been doing? I mean, not really "getting over" him but giving myself space and taking myself out of the equasion for now. I'm sorry you have to put up with all this craziness... if you're still reading this, thank you lol.
So... I will write about my day yesterday and then spend the rest of my day on new NBS (picking out which songs I want to analyze and starting a poem section).
So... I got to Monique's about 2:30pm. We talked for a bit first before anything and then she got down to it. I'm going to have to record my sessions because I'm pretty sure I forgot everything already lol. She did see one card where she was looking in a mirror and saw me looking back at her, which was interesting. She said that things were starting to come together for me in my life again and we talked about Larry for a bit. Essentially he feels like right now, I'm the one who got away and she wasn't sure if we were going to work out in the long run but she did agree that even if things didn't work out between us, he will never hurt me the way I've been hurt. I wrote about all this stuff and pretty much all the other Larry stuff last night. Ugh--my turtle's water is so dirty, I have got to clean it out. Poor guy.
Anyway, all in all it did validate what I had been thinking all along. That I'm halting everything and declaring myself to be just me for now.
After the reading, I went out to dinner with Geoff. We went to this sushi place that he had never been to before but I had been to with my ex a couple of times. After that I really wanted to go for a walk so we went to this forest preserve by his house but it was kind of cold so he took me back to my house so I could change into something warmer than what I was wearing and get a flashlight and then we were on our way again. We had to drive a little bit and it had gotten dark by the time we got there and on the way back we saw something weird in the sky. It turned out it was a blimp. But before we could tell what it was, it was pretty freakish.
So... we just ended up walking in a straight line for a mile or 2 and then I finally came home. It was a pretty nice walk.
Oh and like, throughout all of this Larry stuff I keep hearing "he'll come around." Mostly I think (and I could be wrong), that it wasn't just for MY protection that we stopped having sex. I feel like he feels too much for me to handle right now and he doesn't want to scare me away. Who knows what we'd be like if we hadn't of slept together, but I can't take it back. Sometimes I wish I could just go back in time so I'd have my friend back, but if we were really meant to be friends we wouldn't have gone as far as we did. I really don't feel like it was his objective to use me. The whole reason why I decided to have sex in the first place (with him) was because I didn't know how long it would take for me to feel like I wanted to be in a relationship and I didn't want to wait THAT long to have sex. But... ultimately I'm glad that whatever happened between us did because it showed both of us what's out there with each other. And I know in my heart that unlike someone I know (and ended up dating), he doesn't have at least 3 girls on the side ready for whatever. I'm not particularly pissed at Larry, but I am kind of upset at myself for not questioning Barry more. Like why he stopped talking to me for 4 whole months and how could he like me when he had just stopped seeing Sarah, who he was CLEARLY in love with. I tried so hard for him and I got absolutely shit back. But if I had taken actual time for myself back when Ryan broke up with me, I wouldn't have to wait to heal up to date someone that I like. Ugh... I know I've written about this shit before and I'm sorry. I KNOW I'm obsessing over my own life choices and who could have known that things would end up this way? Like you say, it is what it is. But I am strong enough on my own and maybe one day I won't have to be "the one who got away" anymore. I'm optimistic that if he really does like me that much, he'll come around. I'm not really sure how long I should have to wait, though. It would be really sad if I waited till there was snow on the ground and he didn't want to see me. But... more sad for him I think, lol.
At any rate... I think for a while I want to try and focus my entries on something besides him. I mean, if things change and there's actually something to write about that doesn't include me just saying the same things over and over, then of course I will write about that. But until then I'm just gonna focus on other stuff. I know I must be annoying you with this shit, I mean I KNOW I'm annoying myself by obsessing over it. How much healing can I be doing if I'm constantly worrying about some guy that isn't even my guy? I guess it's all part of the experience, but still.
Ugh I need to get PAID so I can do the following:
1) pay my insurance bill and my phone bill
2) get a good hair trimmer so I can get some of this hair off my head (and bikini area, ugh it's annoying!)
3) get a new subscription for Massageprep.com so I can get some more tests done.
So far... this summer kicks last summer's ass! Why? Simply because I am my own woman! No dumbass manbabies to take care of. Whee!
<3,
me
3:01pm
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