7/27/12

7/27/12
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Hey.  What’s going on?  Haha like you can answer that right now.  Anyway, so work was ok yesterday and I’m glad I gained hours the day before!  Last night Brian did his contest at the Duke.  He didn’t win but he did a great job.  Not sure where we stand still, but whatever.  He said last night that yesterday morning he was concerned because I didn’t kiss him the way I normally do.  I was honest and told him I thought we had a long way to go… and he agreed.  He said it was a good thing though because this is how we’d really get to know each other and there was no illusions of perfection.  I guess we had illusions of perfection before.  *shrug*.  In the car I started talking about if we broke up and he got all upset and said he wanted to change the subject.  Later, before we even made it home, it came up again and this time he was like, “I thought about it the other day and was bothered by the fact that breaking up with you didn’t upset me that much.”  I told him it would devastate me and he tried to change what he said and I said, “Don’t.  You said it and meant it for a reason…” and he was like, “I say a lot of things.”  This morning we were talking about him playing WOW tomorrow and I said I was going to try and hang with my chick friends.  He was like, “Ok, and then I’ll come find you.”  I said, “No.  We are going to take our space.” And he went on to say he’d have enough space playing WOW.  I was like, “Look, you said maybe we needed space and the only space we’ve taken is the space we’ve always taken.”  Then I reminded him of what he said last night and that maybe he would decide he didn’t want to be with me.  So, things are still not good on my end.  He’s trying though, I give him that.  I don’t know, Rita.  How could he say those words?  How could he not be upset?  Why am I so easy to throw away?  What do I do so bad?  Why am I here?  I feel like a piece of shit.  Like, I got tossed into this world by accident and I don’t actually belong here.  Like there’s no place for me.  It’s not just Brian, either.  It’s career, family, etc etc.  Ya know?  Brian is upset with himself.  He was a little drunk but still.  I don’t want him to be honest only when he’s drunk.  Maybe he really doesn’t want to be with me.  So just tell me.  Yea, it’s going to really suck for me and I’ll cry and I’ll mope and I’ll be devastated and then I’ll slowly move on.  But I do love him and I want to be with him, I just lost trust in him a little bit.  I’m so sorry I get mad at stupid shit sometimes.  I don’t know what to do.  Maybe he’s only with me because he’s afraid I won’t be in his life at all anymore.  I probably wouldn’t for a while.  God I hope I’m wrong.  Writing about it is breaking my heart.  I have cried so much this month it’s unbelievable.  July has always been a sucky month for me.  2012 July is no different.  I think tonight I’m just going to tell Biran all of this and let him decide what he wants to do.  But if we’re over, I’m going back to my shell.  No more relationships for this girl.  I am so confused.  When I finally realized I wanted to be with Brian, it was like everything clicked into place.  I knew we’d have issues, but nothing ever seemed so right.  I know I’ve said that about Oscar, and David, and Ryan Mac even, and probably Ryan Brennan too.  This feeling was different, though!  It was like having an epiphany or something.  He’s been unsure from the get go but yet he’s been in love with me since December 27th 2011 he’ll tell you.  Blah.  I need a nap now from crying.  So freaking tired!  I’ll keep you informed on what happens but for now I need to change the subject.
I hope I’m not the only recovery person tonight.  I hate running around.  Especially if I’m also the back up cashier.  Well, and if I’m this tired and in pain!  The good news is NO Lil since Sunday and that means I don’t get yelled at.  I think I have Barb and Daniel again so yay.  I also got my meds so hopefully I’ll lose weight again.  I think I might try to rework the pet aisle tonight.  I hate when everything has its place and customers just make everything a disaster.  Try to help us out for pete’s sake.  We try to make the store look good so customers come back! But yea i’m going to take pictures and show you just how bad it looks and the work I do.
So, really,  my whole schedule for this thing got fucked and now I have to figure now the whole printer thing too. Hopefully this still gets sent by mid/end of August *sigh* Now, I know you won’t get this before it’s already done, but you know how I am with my lists and this will help me remember to ask you later.  I need you to send me pictures of:
{list of names I don’t feel like typing out at the moment}
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I’ll write a letter with a more permanent list.