2:11pm
Hey Lady!
Woot woot! 10 days until my birthday! I can't believe I am going to be 29. Next year I will be 30! Holy shit. Lol, I'm getting old. Ugh, I wanted to read your nb first, but I have too much I needed to write first before I got to do that. And my turtle is annoying me so I am putting on some music. I guess Saorse likes when I sing <3. Anywho -- where do I even begin? Hmmm. Well. After I got finished talking to you on Friday night, I get this text from Barry. It was late, like 1am. Apparently his cousin woke him up freaking out that he only had 4 lorazepam left. I'm not sure how to spell that -- hold on. Ack. Stupid phone! Taking forever. Anyhow, ugh. Just wanna know what the damn medicine is called, lol. It's lorazepam. So I was right, good. Anywho, finally on with the whole story. Apparently, Chris woke Barry up telling him how there are only 4 left in the bottle and he says he (Chris) had really been the only one in contact with the bottle with nobody watching. So the last time it happened I'm sure it was more Chris and not his (at the time) girlfriend who took the meds. And the last time he went without those meds for a while he ended up having bad seizures so I have no idea what is gonna happen this time. He took something else to help with his RLS last night and this morning he was all sorts of lethargic. So I am really worried that he's gonna have more of the same trouble again. He NEEDS to kick his cousin out. Because he just can't be trusted around his meds. When Monique and I were working on that spell for him she saw that he had a hard lesson to learn and it was about someone that basically everyone warned him about and I think that it's his cousin because he told me a part of him feels stupid for ignoring everyone's advice and letting him in. I just hope he does it sooner rather than later. The thing that really pisses me off is that CHRIS is always saying how he likes me. Well, that's always well and good but I don't really like him at all for what he's doing to Barry. The stupid thing is that while Chris was fucked up last night (before Korey's house), he was saying how he was thankful to have people who gave a shit about him. And how he couldn't wait until Tuesday because he was getting paid. Barry and I just gave each other a look. No one had cigs left so we all went over to Joe's house (he lives in the same apartment complex, just across the street). We all went over there so they could do whatever. Then Joe said he had peyote (dunno how to spell that), which was a big mistake cuz Chris was dipping in the bag and took about 6 hits while still trying to get Joe to give him a quarter of it. He said he was having a shitty day and apparently the only way to get through it is to take a bar and a half of xanax, 6 beers, pot, and peyote. Lol--excessive much? Then he went on about Korey. That one time recently when Korey was acting weird though. Lol this is a funny story. When Barry and I were getting ready to go (I had to drive him to Berwyn for work because his spare tire finally blew and the place that he was going to get his new tires from closed 3 hours earlier than usual on Saturday and Sunday they were closed) he had asked me if what had happened with Korey was weird and I said yep. I said I thought it was odd that he'd come to someone's house and act sullen. He said that it might have been because Korey might act like he was okay with us being together but he might still feel like if it weren't for Barry, he and I might have been together (or the other way around). Just then, Korey emailed Barry saying something like, "I know you are still mad at me, but?" (I forgot the rest of it). Apparently, he just felt awkward while he was at Barry's because he felt like he shouldn't be there. Like he was intruding or something. But I didn't feel that way and neither did Barry. And then according to KOREY, when he and Chris went to the woods, they just talked about shit that didn't matter for 2 hours. According to CHRIS, they had the best talk ever. So, anyhow, after a while, we all left Joe's place and Barry and I left Chris at home and went over to Korey's house.
~more later~
3:43pm
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5:12pm
Hello again!
I figured I better get back to writing, although even though I haven't been writing, I have been working on other stuff in here, like putting pictures up and writing captions. So much fun! Man--this summer was wild. Can't believe only 2 more months until Christmas. Crazy!
Anyhow, so Korey's wasn't so bad. Nobody even brought up the whole incident, I got to meet Korey's daughter finally, and Barry and I got to be all snuggly and stuff and Korey didn't seem to mind. Although it did piss me off when Korey didn't seem to think I could handle watching a child for 15 minutes while he and Barry went to the gas station. But whatever. I managed to keep my mouth shut although I wanted to say something like, "What? I'm so incompetent?" But he wanted to let Chris watch her. Not last night but earlier this year. Ooookay. I have babysat children before. I had a babysitting job earlier this year, actually one of the kids was not potty trained yet so I'm okay with changing diapers. But, if I hadn't of cut him out of my life for so long and had been around when the baby was actually born, he probably wouldn't have said that. But you know what? I'm just happy that there is FINALLY peace and we can all hang out and be friends because that's all I ever wanted. I feel like these are baby steps, but it's better than nothing. I have known Korey since middle school and even though he is sort of different now (definitely more paranoid), he will always be my buddy from 7th grade 4th period English class who read everything before the teacher even opened her mouth, and who gave me a candy heart that said "my girl" on it for Valentine's Day that I never ever ate. But I know in my heart that a relationship or even just FWB would never work between us because he wouldn't be able to handle me and frankly I wouldn't be able to handle him being his crazy self. I don't do well with drama and accusations and all the crazy. I have enough to deal with. Plus, he still got his girlfriend pregnant by the time he and I started hanging out again. I'm not gonna be the reason why mommy and daddy aren't together.
So anyhow, by the end of our visit, Melissa (Korey's gf) came home. When I introduced myself to her she was like, "Oh I heard about you." Which at first I was like, "oh shit, what horrible things did you hear?" (I didn't say that out loud), but then I realized that it was from when Korey was trying to get us all to have sex together, which THANK GOD never happened.
Holy shit I need a break, I have literally been writing for almost 6 hours now. Ugh.
<3,
Rita bo Bita
5:54pm
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6:05pm
Ha I didn't really go away, just wanted to start writing on YOUR stuff for once. I wanted to be ready for when your letters started coming in.
So, here I am, commenting on your comments. Something you said about the photo albums gave me an idea about what I can do for the new nb. I have some ideas, and you just said that you didn't get to make copies. Sweet! Don't worry, you shall see what I will do with them. It's part of the photo journal idea. Sweet!
As for Cory, I dunno why he has problems, but on his FB EVERYONE is like, "oh I miss you, where are you," etc. maybe in another 10 years I will hear from him again, lol.
Wow this section of the nb is really depressing me. Aside from all the family stuff, my life was pretty much like that. I don't get how people can be just SO mean. These lyrics just popped into my head: "bruises fade, father, but the pain remains the same. I can still remember how you kept me so afraid, and in the morning when I wake, I look back at yesterday, and I'm okay." I left out one part because. well, you know the song.
You know, I am really glad that I met you. Even though we have been through a LOT over the past decade, I feel like you understand me better than anyone because you've been there too, maybe even worse in some cases. People don't realize that the things they say and do effects the people around them. And most of the time they can put things in the back of their mind and just "forget" their cruelty. But it's a part of who you are. Well -- they. Wrong pronoun, lol. Here is the thing though -- everyone has emotional scars. The easy thing to do would just be ignoring the problems and blocking things out. But that hardly ever works. All that pain and suffering has to come out somewhere. And then there are the people who are shitty to people because they have been treated shitty. That's called bitter. And then there are those rare people like you and me who DON'T treat people like crap because we know how it feels and we don't want others to feel the same way we have. Do you know how rare that is, Chels? It's okay to feel depressed because your lack of means. The only thing that is keeping me going is knowing that I'm not the only one going through this. But Chelsea, listen to me. You have something that not everyone has. You have the ability to be a real person, even though you have been trampled on practically your whole life. Yeah, there are things you're still struggling with, but at least you're acknowledging the fact that they're there. It takes so much courage to be you. And I am so proud to say that I have been there for more than most people have, at least in the last decade. But promise me you won't give up. Please. I know it sounds stupid, but please. And I won't give up either. I may want to get married one day and I want you to be there standing up with me. I want you to be an aunt to my kids if I ever have them. Oh shit, now I'm crying lol. I know we live far apart now, but you will always be a huge part of my life. You are like the sister I never had. And in a lot of ways you are like the mom Winter never had. She has to have someone to look up to, and God help us if it's gonna be Sara, Debbie or Brenda.
Ugh I feel like the hugest jackass ever. I just heard from Barry and he said he was getting there (to feeling better) just had to drink a lot of Gatorade. And I said that I knew he wasn't okay, I just didn't know what he needed. I didn't add that the only reason why I did leave was because his cousin was there and could help. If he had been alone then I wouldn't have left him. As it was I already felt guilty for leaving when I knew he wasn't okay but he wasn't alone. So I just have to move on. Plus I had been with him since Saturday, I was beginning to go a little nuts lol.
Awww, just read about Tucker. I haven't been perfect to my pets, either. As for Ryan, I'm definitely not offended by what you said. It makes sense to me, too. For a guy who's never not cheated on a girl, what better way to have a relationship than a long distance one? If you and I had still been talking at that point, I'm 100% sure he would not have tried to pursue anything with me. The moment I told him we were fighting, he was on me like white on rice. And ALL of our fights were about you. So yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what was up.
You know, if a girl isn't into having the sex and a guy says "too bad" or "too late", then that guy just does not respect women at all. Sex should be 100% consensual by both parties and you probably didn't try harder to stop him because you just didn't know what the fuck to do. The same thing happened to me when Mike raped me. Anyone with eyes (and ears) could see he was hurting me, but he didn't care. Ugh. Sometimes men disgust me.
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