January 12th, 2012

January 12th, 2012
12:29am

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BEVERLY!
Well, today is the last day of my Massageprep.com subscription and you want to know how I'm spending it?  Listening to my book on cd and resuming work on the last nb (I was making a book but didn't get done in time for some sale they were having so I stopped working on it altogether in favor of studying).  I do have to find out how to get my mom $50.00 and with my next paycheck I have to send $20.00 to the ultrasound people, give $20.00 to my doctor's office (I wanted to pay more but can't just now), pay $100 for the phone bill, $76 for car insurance and $50 for HSBC!  So maybe with my NEXT paycheck I can get that subscription back and until then, write down what I have and give myself more breaks.  And that also includes writing more in here :).

I'm not sure what I'm gonna do with this yet, honestly I just want to use it strictly for writing.  I just feel like all the projects and everything are too much for me to keep up with.  At least for now.  I dunno, I might be at a point where I'm just burnt out on doing crazy projects for a while.  But I think maybe I just don't have the energy for much right now.

So... today went better than I thought it would.  Oh, just FYI.  I am going to sometimes write the same things in my livejournal as I will in here BUT I should tell you that I am using my entries as my own personal journal and I'm going to print everything out and put it in my own NB.  I haven't really written to myself in a while (actually written) so that sort of takes care of both things.  I want to save yours, too, but then I got a sort of idea where my next nb would be all letters that we've written to each other or our livejournal entries as letters to each other or something like that.  Like... I want to incorporate as much of our online life as I can into the next nb and of course pictures we have taken and all of that.  I think I'm gonna redo that "reunited at last" scrapbook and save the pictures I already have for something else.  we'll see.

So... you know that picture you had on your wall about marriage?  Well, on New Years Eve, Barry and I were having this conversation about marriage.  I'm not sure if he and I will ever get married and if we don't I'm really okay with that.  My parents have been together this whole time.  But his parents.... his dad has been married twice and his mom has been married 5 times.  And the only girl he has ever thought about marrying was Sarah, but even that turned out bad.  He says marriage is a business transaction more than anything and I can see his point.  A merging of assets and prenuptual agreements and security.

And then there's me.  I don't necessarily think that's all marriage is about.  I think people really do love each other and they have found that one person they never want to let go of.  But I have always been a bit squeemish about marriage.  First I'd have to find someone who I could actually consider seeing myself with, and then I'd have to see if it was worth all the trouble.  And so far, it hasn't been.

I think, for me at least, people forget that being married isn't just wearing a pretty dress and looking perfect and the perfect song and the perfect flowers and cake, etc.  People focus so much on that that they don't take the time to really see who is standing at that altar ready to say the perfect words to bind you two together.  People lose sight of the fact that this is a merger of 2 completely separate people.

And I don't think people really "change," I just think that there are expectations that aren't met or a woman knows something is wrong but goes through with it anyway and spends the rest of her time trying to claw her way out.

What I want isn't necessarily a piece of paper declaring me legally bound to another human being.  I want to feel safe in his arms and comforted by his touch.  I want us to be linked together in a way that only people who are really close to each other can be linked, and I want us both to be accepting of each other for exactly who we both are.  I don't want us to put pressure on ourselves or each other to feel something that isn't there or to rush into something we're not both ready for.  I want to feel as if what we have is this thing that is so precious, I just want to throw my loving arms around it and protect it so nothing can hurt or taint it.
Is that what I have with Barry?  Most of the time, I really feel like the answer would be yes, but I don't like Sarah being there.  I feel like the closer we get the more she's going to freak out and I feel like eventually I'm going to lose because he won't just tell her to fuck off.  He did get mad at her and told her off a ton when she called his cousin a junkie, though (I read this conversation via text message).  Apparently she was talking too loud and Chris heard her call him that.  Personally, I happen to agree with her.  How is he not a junkie?  But would I tell him that?  Probably not.  Because it wouldn't change anything, besides maybe my relationship status.  But as much as Chris is a shithead, it's not my place to say anything anyway.  It does piss me off that Barry is letting him sponge off of him, but that's his deal, not mine.

Ugh--if I have any chance of getting up at a decent hour tomorrow, I need to get my happy ass to bed soon.

<3,
me

1:25am
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"Immortality:
Vampires do not age from the moment their transformation is complete.  Vampires have no natural life cycle; they exist in this progressionless state indefinitely.  This is a conditional form of immortality, as they can be permanently destroyed by fire.  However, their speed and strength make it necessary to incapacitate them before burning them.  Only another supernatural creature has the ability to incapacitate a vampire, by tearing her limbs from her body.  Thus, vampires are in no danger from human beings.  A vampire who is incapacitated but left unburned has the ability to reconstitute herself.  One facet of the absence of aging is that vampires do not develop emotionally or mentally past the age at which they are transformed.  A transformed child would remain childlike forever, unable to mature in any aspect.

Nutrition:
Vampires do not have a circulatory system.  Their bodies are harder than human bodies, but their cells are selectively porous.  They recieve nutrition only from blood, which, once drunk, is absorbed throughout the body. Blood satiates their thirst and makes them physically stronger, but it is not necessary for life.  Vampires cannot starve to death; they get progressively weaker and thirstier as time goes on.  They are not able to digest solid food.  If a vampire swallows a solid as a subterfuge, that substance will sit in his stomach until he forces it back throughout his mouth.
Human blood is the most appealing to vampires and hardest to resist.  However, they can recieve the same nutritional strength from animal blood.  Vampires do not need to feed as often as humans do; drinking the blood of one human is enough to satiate a mature vampire for a week or two.

Supernatural abilities:
Most vampires find their key personality characteristics intensified by the vampire transformation in the same way their physical abilities are strengthened, but relatively few have abilities that can be classified as supernatural.  More common would be a human with a love of learning becoming a vampire with an insatiable scholarly curiosity, or a human with a deep value for human life becoming a vampire with the strength to avoid human blood.
But a few vampires do develop additional abilities that go beyond the natural.  These extra abilities are due to psychic gifts in the original human that are intensified in the resulting vampire.  For example, a human who was very sensitive to other people's moods might develop the vampire ability to read thoughts or influence emotions. A human who had some limited precognition might develop into a vampire with a strong ability to see the future.  A human with the good instinct for hunting might become a powerful vampire tracker.  The proportion of supernaturally talented vampires to normal vampires is greater than the proportion of psychically gifted humans to normal humans.  This is due to the same factor of temperament that results in more beautiful humans being selected to become vampires.  Vampires are also drawn to gifted humans when they look to create companions.  Some vampires actively seek out the gifted in the hope of utilizing that extra ability on their own.

Newborn vampires:
A newborn vampire--defined as any vampire who is less than one year from his date of transformation--is different from a more mature vampire in behavior and appearance.  The newborn is plagued by an unrelenting thirst and will feed as often as possible.  The thirst is so maddening in the first year that most newborns are more animalistic and wild than their older counterparts.
They are marked as physically different by their vibrantly crimson irises, though in other ways they look the same as mature vampires.  Their behavior is more diverse than their appearance.  As they age, their behavior generally becomes more rational and consistent."