7/12/12

7/12/12
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Hey.  Sorry it took me so long to write again.  We got to Universal and then we just stayed busy.  I had such a good time though.  I really love him.  It was a nice getaway for us and man, when we came home, it made us really appreciate the whole trip.  Nothing bad really happened, just…. being here sucks.  That’s all.  I don’t know what else to say.  Oops.  I want to get this thing done!  I wanna do the new one lol. Crazy how I have ideas for THAT.  This one just lacks.  Grrr.  I mean, I think I went into this one thinking it would be simple so I guess that’s okay.  Once I have the writing out of the way I can focus on just the stories and middle sections.
I’m sleepy now!  No good cuz I am doing dinner and movie with Brian tonight.  Spiderman!  I’m thinkin’ Chili’s for dinner too.  I was so depressed the last 2 days and I think (no, I did) I made him upset because I pushed him away so hard.  I broke my own heart doing all this.  Last night he gave me this look like I didn’t love him anymore and it killed me to see how I was hurting him.  I told him in the car I loved him and he said, “I love you too.  Thank you for telling me I was starting to wonder.”  Stab!  Stab!  It put a pep in his damn step though once I said I loved him so he must have really worried.
Sometimes things that hurt me just outdo the good things and I push people away and let the hurt consume me.  Sometimes he just says things that hurt so much and it’s like, I bottle it up because if I talk about it, I get mad and cause a fight.  What started the whole thing?  Well, Tuesday night we went to Skeeters and he mentioned how he was glad we didn’t fight in Orlando.  I asked him if he’d been worried that we would, and he admitted that he had been.  It upset me because it made me feel like I was this horrible girlfriend that only fought with him (we’ve had a few arguments lately…) so I ended up bawling right there at the bar because of my guilt.  I explained that between my mother, Rory, and David I was always made out to feel like my feelings/actions were wrong, and so I was afraid I was treating HIM bad too.  Earlier I’d asked him if he ate and he said a little bit, but I hadn’t so after Skeeters we went to Walmart for food for me and he admitted to being hungry too and said he hadn’t eaten and I got mad and started a fight because if he lies about stupid shit--what else does he lie about?  That’s my paranoid, untrusting, self--thus the batshit crazy post on FB!  We made up after a fight but I was so depressed by then that it carried on to Wednesday where I just overthought and let myself be hurt ALL DAY!  --more later gotta get ready--