8:23pm
Hey Chels,
Ugh. I am a whole lot better today but still feel REALLY crappy. And on top of that, I'm a little mad. My whole birthday/Halloween weekend turned out way different than I had been expecting. And like, I finally heard from Barry today which was great and everything, but for the past couple of weeks I've been hearing from him like once a day or I ask him a question about something and don't hear back from him for hours. I know he's not cheating on me because I told him to break up with me first. As far as I know we are still together but I dunno. Ugh whatever. So, I've been thinking about your job situation and I'm trying to come up with different ideas of things you could do with your life (you don't have to consider ANY of these, just so you know):
~IDEAS FOR CHELSEA~
1) travel the country singing at different karaoke bars, especially ones that tip
2) go with a group to some volunteer thing like a mission trip or non-profit.
3) start a hobby (you do have LOTS of them, though).
My main idea for you would be traveling, although I'm not sure how you'd get around. You could get a bike, or say you are walking to all 48 states for charity or something. You could write a book or go around the country being a motivational speaker on bullying or addiction or something. Ummm, that is all I can think of for now, lol.
Okay so, I want to touch base on some of these daily devotion things. I don't mind them because you are sharing with me YOUR thoughts. Let me find the one I wanted, this isn't it but I will say that you can have more than one interest. I myself LOVE anatomy. And then music, history, English, etc.
Ahh, here we go. I have never felt like God was angry at me. But I will tell you this:
The worst times in my life were always the times I felt far away from God or felt myself thinking, "I don't understand God." Those were the darkest times I've ever experienced and I saw and felt things that no one should ever feel. I grew up in a church. My mom and I were both baptized on the same day: on Oct 19th, 1985 at Living Lord Luthern Church. I have been confirmed and had my first communion at that church. Most of the kids tolerated me to a certain point, but I never made it a point to be social with a bunch of spoiled rich kids who wore designer EVERYTHING. But I never went for any of that. I went because whenever I set foot inside that church, I knew God was there. I felt this incredible peace surrounding me and I knew that I was safe. No matter what the sermon message was or who the pastor was, all I could ever feel was love. I used to mouth the words of the benediction along with the pastor and I sang every hymn. I even had a few favorites that I can still sing to today.
So it was very strange to have this certain feeling like I was uncomfortable being there. It began when I was 14 as a sleepover at my friend Maggie's house to a 2 month nightmare I slept over and we played with a Quija Board. There was this spirit that was in love with Maggie.
Long story short, she made me a quija board and the rest is history. It started out with bad dreams and then graduated to seeing things that weren't there, blacking out, hearing hoof prints on the roof, and hearing voices. Ugh--- there is so much more but I don't want to talk about it. It's just, it makes me feel really uncomfortable.
So, one Saturday I went to church and I asked God to take it away and if he did I would never touch a quija board again. After that, my friend Maggie (who had gone to church with us that night) looked right at me and said, "I hate you." She later admitted having no idea why she had even said that.
On the way home from driving her home, my dad's tire blew for no apparent reason. I wanted to get home because Dani, Jenne, Jen and I were going to try and exercise it, and I think whatever "it" was decided that was going to be a delay.
After all of that stuff was finished, I once again felt closer to God. I no longer had those thoughts of not believing and all of that.
(trust me, I could go on forever about this and give you every single detail. But I just don't have it in me. And I think I've told you before).
The next time I felt my faith slipping was when I was with Mike. I was just really lost. I lost my focus in school, I was around all this drama and negativity, and I was with someone who told me how much of a failure I was everyday and yet I stayed because I didn't know how to stand up for myself. I kept getting deja vu and having these prophetic dreams and I was having a hard time seeing the light. It wasn't until AFTER I left that I started feeling a lot better and after my dad got sick I FINALLY accepted that I had psychic abilities. I accepted that it was a gift from God and now whenever I participate in anything Magickal, he is still the God that I pray to and honor, the one I've always known.
Phew! That was a lot to write, lol. Alright, I need to get ready for bed soon because I have to get up and take my dad to his remicade appointment. I love you and I hope I get your next envelope soon!
<3,
Me
11:52pm
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