March 4th, 2012

March 4th, 2012
1:48pm

Hey Chels,
Wow it's been 2 whole weeks since I've written in here.  I don't even know if you've been writing in yours but I already have so much I need to get finished and I don't want it taking forever so I guess the only way to do that is to write a little bit every day until I'm done.  I'm sorry about "yelling" at you in here the last time I wrote in here.  I didn't realize you were going through so many different things.  From what I can gather on your facebook it doesn't seem like you're hiding but I feel like you're hiding from me.  One minute you were so happy that I wasn't shutting YOU out, and now all of a sudden I feel like that's what you're doing to me.  Only thing I can't figure out though is why.  Aside from getting pissed about that whole Ryan thing.  I can't figure out why you would stop talking to me right now.  But I guess, I mean I hope, that in time all will be revealed.  I just think it's kinda stupid that I am going through a crisis right now and you're taking space from me but not from any of your other friends as far as I can tell.  I'm not going to push you to talk to me (because I know that won't work at all) but I will expect some answers at some point here.

On another note, the past couple weeks have been going okay.  I am really loving that support group.  It has already helped me gain so much insight into this world I had no idea I'd have to worry about.  I still feel like I made the right choice for me.  It's weird though, as angry as I am at him right now, I am still willing to explain myself to him.  Because as much as he hurt me, in order to fully move on I have to tell him everything.  He doesn't really deserve it, but I do.  That second letter was so hard to read and at certain points I was actually screaming at the pages.  He fully admitted to doing heroin.  Apparently I am the only person he has admitted this to and he doesn't know that I talk to Sarah or Stephanie so he doesn't know I know what he's been telling his parents.  He didn't even admit anything in his letter to Sarah.  He's known her since 2004 and he's not going to at least tell HER the truth?  Fuck that.  In a weird way I had been looking forward to his letters.  I started to envision long heartfelt letters filled with secrets he'd only tell me and I began imagining what I'd write back and maybe my compassion and understanding would help his recovery.  ::rolls eyes::.  That feeling only lasted a few hours until reality set in.  The heroin was bad enough but now... although I don't really want to know the answer (or his version of it anyway), I still feel like I have to ask if he paid for blowjobs.  Just from what both Korey and George told me, plus all the condoms I found and the OTC viagras... it just seems to weird for it to be normal.  The condoms looked like they had just been bought and I know that we had not been having sex so... I'm not sure why there would be a full box ready to use when I know for sure he wasn't using them with me.  He still claims he didn't take the pictures I found of Chris and that skank, but what about the video? I know for a fact it wasn't mounted because I watched it and it moved.  Thank God it wasn't that long but I'm still digusted by what I saw.  Just the fact that he let that happen on a bed I slept on is enough for me to want to burn my skin off.  And I told him that when I wrote him back.  That there was also a video which I watched and clearly someone else was there holding the camera because it moved.  So... if that wasn't him then someone else was in his apartment messing with his camera and watching Chris fool around with some girl on his bed and taking video of it. Yet he didn't think it was yucky enough to delete.  Or at least get mad that someone used his camera to film Chris.  I'm sorry, does he think I was born yesterday?  He may not have thought of it in the way I did but that's my whole point--he didn't think about how I would feel.  when he started pushing me away, when he left gross pictures on his camera and when he started using heroin.  VERY selfish and VERY self absorbed.  All that was bad enough but factor in everything else and it's a wonder I haven't gone over there to bitch his ass out in person yet.  But I'm not gonna waste my precious time yelling at someone who is already in jail.

Alright--I would love to continue this but I need to spend some time cleaning my room because it's gross.

<3,
me

2:48pm