3-31-12

3-31-12
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Good lord this is ending up like the last one.  Here’s the plan for today though.  Laundry, nbs, nbs, nbs, and roller blading.  That’s it!  Lol.  So wow it’s almost April.  Maybe I can get this done by May so you have summer reading lol.  So, I guess I should explain how I ended up dating Brian.  So, we got in the fight which was a mixture of things.  First, I was worn out from all the partying while Pappy was visiting, and Brian was worn out from it also.  I mean we were out every night for two weeks!  Plus I was getting sick at that point.  Then, earlier I’d invited Stephanie to go but she didn’t know so I assumed she wasn’t going.  Well then Brian started bitching in text to me about Stephanie going and I was sick of him always dogging her so I told him not to pick me up and he got mad.  Then it just turned into this big fight and he told me to go fuck myself and I told him I hoped he stayed in Indiana and never talk to me again.  I was so upset because not only was I missing Pappy’s “last night” and Jordan’s birthday party, but I was no longer friends with this guy who I spent 95% of my time with.  So, we didn’t talk Sunday or Monday at all, and even though I had told him never to text me again--I was surprised not to hear from him.  I mentioned it to Erica and she got this little smirk on her face so I knew she’d been talking to him.  I made her let me read the texts and Brian was talking about all his feelings and how he was torn up not talking to me but that he was respecting my wishes.  Anyway, I was stubborn for a while longer but Tuesday, he sent me a message and apologized.  We decided to talk it out face to face.  So we met up Wednesday night and talked.  I told him I was pushing him away because I could see something had changed a little bit about his feelings for me.  I mean I knew he liked me before but he understood where I was in the relationship.  But then he was touching me more, getting mildly jealous over other guys (that I saw--he wasn’t too vocal) and I freaked.  I found out he slept with my acquaintance friend and it bothered me.  I told him I did have feelings for him--I was just terrified.  I wasn’t sure we’d get back to how we were but we went to a movie Thursday and it was like so much better.  I realized then I was changing my mind.  Friday he left for Indiana and told me he already missed me at the airport in text and I knew then that I just wanted to be with him.  So, Friday night I was talking to Erica about it and she convinced me to tell him.  I went to Ryan’s house to meet his friends that were visiting and all I could think of was Brian.  I tried to talk to Ryan about everything but he was on the phone so we didn’t really conclude it but I told him that he wasn’t the one keeping me from having a boyfriend--it was me.  I also told him I had feelings for someone else but I think that’s where he was distracted.  All in all, I feel like I got closure with Ryan.  Even more so now than that night, because now he knows I’m in a relationship with Brian.  We actually hung out at Ryan’s house one night and everything was ok.
Anywho, so back to the night I knew I wanted to be with Brian.  I still wasn’t sure I wanted to take that leap, I was terrified.  So I was back and forth.  I guess I started--no I freaking realized for sure, that I felt like I wasn’t good enough for a good man.  I mean, Saturday came around and I was telling Erica in text every reason I could never make it work with him. Then I started telling him how I was feeling and how I was such a slut, etc etc--and between the two of them I calmed down enough to see the words Brian was saying and so I said, “Okay, let’s just do it.”  And now here we are!