8/14/12
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So there was my mom’s letter. I don’t think I addressed some things but it felt good to say a lot of it even if she won’t read it. I don’t really feel the need to write the other letters right now. maybe when I’m angry. In the meantime, Happy Tuesday! I don’t work until 5 luckily. So I can get some writing done. Rory is home today so maybe he’ll drive me to work. He has a job at this restaurant in Boca called Stephan’s. It’s pretty fancy. He works a lot--I hope he keeps that job. Right now, there’s a very strange girl that he works with outside talking to him while he works on her car. He wants me to go out and be friendly with her again. But she’s weird. I don’t have time to be nice all day to her. I mean, she’s really sweet. She has a very soft voice and clearly some kind of strong intuition. She can base my personality off my sign. I don’t know, is a Sagittarius really supposed to get along with an Aries? Lol. Her name is Raquel, which is really funny (I’ll tell you why soon, it’s very funny). Maybe she’s not as wacko as I think, I’m trying to decide why I even thought that. Oh well. So, I wish I had today off but luckily I do have Friday and Saturday off, which will be used for laundry, room cleaning and writing in the NB. I think I’ll be done with writing by then, but who knows. I’ll probably be adding to the story writing anyway. So last night I went to Brogues with Jess and had a freaking blast. There was karaoke there of course. Jess of course met new people via she couldn’t parallel park so she had help from this lady, and then a guy got in and did it for her. Lol. What a way to make new friends! I was thinking in my head, “I should get out of the car in case he decides to just drive off.” But OMG Rita, I was like frozen to the seat. I just couldn’t make myself get out. Obviously, things were ok. He didn’t drive off with me. So, anyway, Jess told them her name was Jakoria and that her dad wasn’t just black--he was jet black and came straight from the boat. The reason she’s so pale is that her mom is white and she (Jess/Jakoria) is albino. Lol. I started calling her Kori and told her next time I was going to tell people I was Raquel and she could call me Ra Ra so we’d be Kori and Ra Ra. Now today I meet a Raquel. So funny. I always have so much fun with Jess though. She gave me two bags full of clothes and I went through them. I got like 10 shirts out of it maybe. Everything else was too small. I may send you some shirts/shorts to see if you like them/if they fit. We’ll see. Anyhow, God it’s almost 1pm. That sucks. It means 4 hours until I go to work. I’m thinking of taking a bath after I write this page. I only have 12 pages left. I think I can do 3 today (6 really with front and back) and we’ll see how tomorrow goes. Lol. Oh I had a strange dream last night. I was older and married to Brian. and he told me he didn’t love me anymore. I think I dreamed it because it’s already happened to me with David. Plus, the book I’m reading right now, it happened to the main character. Still, It was very heartbreaking. I have this fear--and Brian says it’s very obvious--that Brian will just one day stop loving me.
I know that’s David’s fault, but it’s also mine I think. I mean, David didn’t just stop loving me the day he told me that. It had been going on for a long time. I just wonder when it actually happened and when he realized it. Sometimes I think I caused it because I get mad and go off. It already happens with Brian and now he walks on eggshells with me. Eventually he’s going to get tired of that and realize he has stopped loving me. I don’t know how to change myself though. How do you undo 28 years of all you know? Same with Brian. He reacts very much the same ways I do. At least he understands my fear. He’s very realistic about it but that right now, he’s very much in love with me and that’s that. blah. I miss the newness of our relationship. I don’t mean that in the way most people do. My feelings for Brian are just as magical as they were when we made it official. In fact--I love him even more. but when we first got together, we were invincible. Now, the ugly flaws are out and we know what we love and hate about each other, and that forever is a very thinly spread word. I obviously knew that before, but you know what I mean. Anyway, and so Brian’s dream was crazy too. he was hanging at some bar and Ryan Welp (one of his friends that died in his accident) came in. He was dead and Brian knew he was dead but he asked him what he was doing there. Ryan said, “I can’t to hang out with you but I have to go now.” So Brian was like, “well ok where are you going?” And Ryan said, “to bed.” It was weird but I know Brian is probably more bothered by it then he lets on.
Ugh. So my throat is sore. I’m pretty sure I’m coming down with a cold, which doesn’t surprise me because I always get sick in August. Always. Oh well, I’ll just have to get through it with cough drops, OJ, tea and honey. I’ll be fine!
My dad leaves Saturday, or Sunday for GA and then he and my mom will go to Texas. They’re driving. I think it will be good for them because they’ll have a whole week together instead of a day or two and without me and Rory around. Maybe they’ll figure out that they need to be together. Who knows.
Damn, I do not want to work tonight unless Joey is now there and it’s just Daniel, Barb and me. But to be honest, i’d rather work tonight. Tomorrow morning is what I really dread. 9am-3pm. It should go by fast. I was going to bring this nb with me and go to the mall, grab food and write. I still might. I might sit in the massage chair too. We’ll see. Tonight I have to double check my schedule. I wanna make sure I am off Thurs and Friday. No, Friday and Sat. Not Thurs-Fri. Lmao. I also need to fill out my work availability for Joey and hand in my request off form. I hope I don’t forget those today. So, in the next 3 weeks, brian and I have to make like a couple grand for plane tix home, hotel, food, his tux, and rental car, plus bills and what I need. And souveniers because I will want something from LA lol. Not to mention, I can’t wait to take pictures and meet people. I’m not going to lie--I’m terrified to meet his friends. What if they make fun of my pregnant looking belly, my crooked yellow teeth, and my lazy eye? What if they give Brian a hard time for being with me? I would be so humiliated and poor Brian. He doesn’t think that will happen though. Lol. He thinks they will love me or they just won’t care either way. I hope they love me and vice versa.
So, I read this story via FB. It was a nice story. This man came home from work one night and told his wife he wanted a divorce. She asked him why but he never responded. The next day, after thinking about how his heart belonged to another woman, he came up with his divorce decree. He was allowing her to keep everything but he wanted a divorce. She ripped the paper up and turned away from him. He came home the next night and found her working hard on something. Ignoring her, he went to bed and fell asleep. He woke to a letter from her stating she would grant him his divorce with just a few conditions. One, he would give it one month. Two, he would not tell their son as he had finals coming up. Three, for every day of that month, he would carry his wife from their bedroom to the front door. So, deciding to honor her requests, the husband tells his love the wife’s strange requests. His lover laughs bitterly and tells him that she’s just going to have to face it.
The next morning the husband and wife awkwardly start their adventure. Upon seeing this act of romance, their son is thrilled! The next day is less awkward. By days five, six and seven the husband realizes the lack of intimacy he and his wife have shared. One day he comes in the room and sees his wife changing in front of the mirror. He sees how frail and skinny she has gotten. Their son, now used to the new routine, shows up in their bedroom and says, “dad, it’s time to carry mom.” The husband scoops her up and feels how light she is. He notices also how she lays her head into him and knows he is still in love with her and does not want a divorce anymore. Later that day he goes to the lover’s house and tells her he’s not leaving his wife and wants to be with her. The lover gets mad after realizing it’s really not a joke, slaps him and slams the door in tears.
The husband buys flowers and races home to tell his wife how sorry he is and how much he loves her, but instead--he finds her in bed--dead. She had been battling cancer.
Isn’t that so sad? I mean, wowzers. It makes me really want to cry! I think she didn’t want her son dealing with her death/sickness during finals and she knew she didn’t have long to live. So why not die knowing you love your husband? Man. I hope Brian knows how much I really do love him. I’m not planning to die soon, but life is not a guarantee so I’ve got to let go of the dumb shit. Anyway, it’s time for work so… Love you!
<3,
me
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8/14/12
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I got off work earlier than I thought I would. I’m kind of nervous about 9-3 but I made plans with Barb for the $.99 margaritas and early dinner at Casa Linda’s at 3. I hope Brian will give me like $20 to go. I don’t think I’ll spend that much but who knows! Ugh I hate that feeling you get when you know you’re coming down with something. It’s like, in the back of your throat. Your throat doesn’t necessarily hurt, but it’s irritated. Ugh I want it to just go away. No sick! I may need to go get stuff from Walgreens. I guess we’ll see how my honey feels. Work was ok. I think my blood sugar was crashing ‘cause I was just upset. I wanted food, there wasn’t really anything so I asked to go to McDonald’s on the way to work. Well then we had no time so I said if it was alright I could order something so my dad gives me $5.00 which I can’t use for crap except junk food from Big Lots. *sigh* I ended up buying buffalo wing bleu cheese chips. Those sucked. I heated up a swedish meatballs TV dinner, THAT sucked, and Idk blah. My almond snickers and Dr Pepper was good though! Lol. Now I’m home and my dad’s in bed. he was kind of a prick. First he bitched about Rory, then bitched at me for not having a license, blah blah blah. I just do not need to be bitched at. I get that enough at work. God. Ugh throat! Stop it! Germs go away. Omg this girl on fb. She’s like 20 years old, she’s had 4 or 5 (maybe 3, maybe 6) miscarriages… now she finally had a child but the father of the baby is a druggie jackass. She bitches on fb all the time about her life then when people give her their opinions/advice (and I’ve seen nothing but constructive criticism) she gets mad. Well bitch, don’t whine and cry then! #PeopleINeedTodeletefrommylife!!
<3,
me
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