7/17/12
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Hey! Happy NBS day! Haha. I promise all I’m doing today is NBS dangit. I wanna write, write, write! I really believe I can finish this before September! So, back to Brian’s comment. Yea, it hurt me. I mean obviously, 10 years ago, Autumn was in his life and he called her honey. If you feel the need to tell me the mother of your child was honey before I was, maybe you have other issues to deal with. I just get so sick of talking about Autumn, Jen and David. Jen was the female version of David except she’s a meth addict. She’s like a mix of Ryan Mac/David lol. Anyway, Brian loved her. I know that. As miserable as he was, he loved her. That’s why it still bothers him and makes him partially who he is. (he has a very hard time expressing himself and can come off as an uncaring asshole). So, anyway I kind of ignored him after that. I was very cold and uncaring. At one point, he tried to kiss me and I just turned my face away and acted like I needed to talk to Stephanie. I’m not going to lie, sometimes I see how far I can push for the attention. It worked, but it kind of backfired on me. The look he gave me broke my heart. His eyes held this “I don’t understand, what’s wrong? I’m so hurt” look. It really left me speechless to be honest with you.
On the way home, i told him I loved him. He said he loved me too and thanked me for telling him cause he was starting to wonder. That broke my heart even more. The next day, I cried and cried cause of my guilt and came up with an idea. I wrote him a letter explaining why I was hurt. Then I took him to dinner and a movie. He also apologized for his comments and said he wasn’t sure why he said it. It should be said now, that while Jen/Autumn/David are talked about, it’s not all we talk about. I mean, I know he loves me. He makes a real effort to show me and tell me. I just get so jealous because of my issues. I have to get past it!
Anyway, we’re ok thought now so that’s good. We’ve really talked everything out.
So, yea today my NBS goal is to do 31 pages (30 now) of writing. If I at least get half that done, and the rest over the course of the week, I’ll be happy. It leaves me with 82 pages left to write. The rest is just crafty stuff hehe. So yea, I’m going to do this while I watch TV and stuff. I know 31 pages seems kind of hard so I won’t beat myself up if it doesn’t work. BTW my next nb is going to be AMAZING. I changed my ideas on it, but don’t worry because the new idea is even more awesome. I’m not going to spoil it though. You’ll just have to wait. Bahahaha.
So, last week, Brian and I went to the mall and over by Sears is this really cool store I never had been in before. It’s not even new, I just never thought to go in. Anyway, it’s a fabulous little place. I found tons of things I want. There is a lot of Betty Boop and Betty Page things. So I put a Betty Boop pillow, a lips necklace, and a textile poster of Betty Page on layaway. I think I’m going to get more stuff and store it away for when Brian and I get our own place. I may even buy myself more things. Brian says we can decorate our whole place in Betty Page for all he cares. Hahaha he’s excited I like sexy things. I think he and I are going to have the coolest place ever. Woot. I must be really in touch with a muse lately. I just got total inspiration to finish THIS NB. Lol. I don’t think I’m going to do more devotional stuff. I’m gonna do a few book reviews, and then a song list/who I’d cast for my life movie lol! Yay! If there’s more pages left, I may do more devotionals. Who knows. At least now this thing will have more color.
So, I’m watching Days of our Lives for the first time in weeks. Carrie is pregnant with Austin’s baby (supposedly) I think it’s actually Rafe’s though cause they did sleep together. Someone kidnapped Melanie and I’m still curious about that whole storyline. Daniel and Nicole are falling for each other, and Will is gay. (like no one saw that one coming. I heard that like two years ago!) I tell ya, the show just isn’t what it used to be. I miss the old teen storylines. I miss Belle, Shawn, Mimi, Rex, Cassie, etc etc. All the good folk! Lol. They brought Billie back but again, she has no storyline, little air time, and it’s Lisa Rinna. Ew. I get that she originated the role of Billie Reed, but Krista Allen and Julie Pinson did so much better. And were way prettier. I’m just saying. I miss my RPG but with no internet, oh well. What can you do? *shrugs* yay! It’s raining. I love storms! U-turn must be scared because he keeps trying to jump in my lap. He finally got settle on the couch though. Lol. He’s so cute.
Erin just texted me “I’m too broke to come over, sorry.” She’s short and to the point, guess she’s mad. I said, “:( it’s ok I was supposed to call you and let you know about last night. I’m a chaotic whirlwind lately. I’m sorry.” And she didn’t answer so I’m 99.99% sure she’s mad at me. I’m sorry but TBH with you, I just can’t deal with her problems anymore. Every month, she posts on FB about how long it’s been since her dad died. Yet, she’ll tell you she doesn’t think she’s handling it the way she should and she doesn’t grieve. But she does, and I feel like she’s trying to use it to keep attention on herself. I’m not trying to take away from the sadness of her daddy dying. God know if/when mine dies, it will take FOREVER to feel human again. Erin thinks no one can possibly be as close to their dad as she was to hers. It’s just so selfish of her. I sound like such a bitch. I love Erin, I do. Just when I’m having things going on, it’s easy to remember the flaws in EVERYONE. *sigh*
I just counted all the pages I have left. 306. Not bad with all the plans I have. I just gotta keep writing, and get all the crafty stuff flowing. I will remain calm about this lol.
Hey, have you seen Bunheads? It’s made by Amy Sherman Paladino (sp--same creator of Gilmore Girls). I’ve only seen like 3 episodes but I really like it. It’s about a dancer who ends up working as a Vegas showgirl and this guy falls in love with her and knowing she doesn’t love him, he marries her and brings him back to his hometown. He’s rich, and his mom lives with him (she played Lorelai’s mother in Gilmore Girls).
Anyway, the mom teaches ballet and she’s kind of controlling. It’s a really good show. I can’t tell you what happens yet. Lol. You have to watch it! Haha, you’ll like it. Oh! On Friday, Brian and I went to Skeeter’s. We didn’t get there until like 12:30am. Anyway, this Jimmy guy (I slept with in the beginning of the year and then he never really spoke to me again) was there and he was all over every chick there, including me! He was like, “There you are!” I said hi, and kept walking to Tom (it was my turn to sing). He was like, “I don’t get love from you anymore.” I kissed his cheek and said, “I have a boyfriend,” and walked away. Well he followed me and asked for another kiss on the cheek so I rolled my eyes and did it and he purposely turned his face so I kissed his lips. It pissed me off so much. I went to Brian and was going to tell him what happened and Rick told me Jimmy was just a drunk with an ego, it wasn’t about ME it was about proving he could have me again if he wanted and not tell Brian cuz guys didn’t like to hear about stuff like that. So, Brian wanted me to tell him anyway. So I did and he ashed in Jimmy’s drink (cause he kept coming over trying to be buddy buddy with us) and he laughed about it. Oh, but now he tells me he ashed before I told him what really happened cuz I made it sound like it’d be worse. He’s so full of it sometimes. Jimmy didn’t even come in our direction until after I told him what happened so I doubted he ashed in his drink beforehand. Men, I swear. Now we’re arguing about how he talked to me in text today. I asked him to take me to Erin’s tomorrow and he went on this tangent about how he has to work a lot to afford our plane tickets to LA and so I got pissed off and now he wants to know why I flipped out on him. Ugh. Cuz I’m a bitch? I don’t know!
The funny thing about that whole Jimmy thing is I went to Sheehan’s (you’ve been there. It was Shea’s before) Saturday night and Ryan was like “It wasn’t me, right?” (on my FB post I didn’t put names). Lol. And I guess when Brian and Vicki (Ryan’s dad Brian, not mine) read it, they asked Ryan what he did. LMAO. I wanted to be like, “Hellooooo, wow you guys were drunk. You left before I got there so obviously it wasn’t Ryan.” Lmao. I feel bad for Ryan though because he’s not a bad person. He just makes bad choices. At least he isn’t annoying me as much lately. He was getting on my nerves weeks ago because he was acting so weird. You know, in the last 3 notebooks, you have watched me “love” and get over Grant, Robert (pffffft), and Ryan Mac. I “fall” (??) too easily. But at least I knew I was capable again of doing so. Took me a while to allow it, but I’m glad I did and that it was Brian I ended up with, even if I am mad at him at the moment. Lol. God why the hell do I have such a bad headache today? I think it’s the weather. So, there was this Lifetime movie I loved years ago and every once in a while I look it up on YouTube. Last night was one of those nights. So I watched a good portion of it last night and turned it off. Now it’s on ABC Family. So funny. It’s called Death of a Cheerleader. It has Tori Spelling (ew) and Kelly Martin (yay!) in it.
Wow, I’m so sleepy. I don’t think I’ll get all 31 pages done today so I’m shooting for at least 15 or 16. I guess that’s ok. I just realized I have to make up with Brian so he’ll come here. It’s our 4 months together today.
Man, I’m not running out of things to say really, just not really sure how to put it all together. Plus my dad keeps talking lol. It’s so nice for him because Rory is at work so he’s not here being an asshole. Now, I know you read it on my LJ but it’s the NB so I’m going to write about it here too. I had an overwhelming day not last Monday, but the Monday before, so like two weeks ago. My 32 hours work week got cut and then I got a letter stating I had to pay $146 in court fees by September 18th and that sucked. It caused a fight with Brian but we worked it out despite the stick up my ass. Then Tuesday, Rory was cleaning house and I just sat and read/watched tv. Yes, I should have helped. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel like it. I hate when everyone cleans. I was fine when I did it myself everyday before Rory moved in, when he was working and didn’t clean, etc etc. I have my own way of doing things and Rory just always trying to control it. He has to control everything. Plus, I’ve cleaned with no help for 4 years. Not helping once shouldn’t be a huge deal. Rory wanted me to put this snow globe I have (I got it from someone when I married David but I don’t remember who) in my room and I told him I had no room in my room (I mean, it’s not that big but my room was packed). So I told him to keep it in the garage. He shoved it in my hands and started yelling about how they were trying to clean the garage and then started calling me names. I went to my dad and tried talking to him and he got mad at me and said they were trying to clean and I wasn’t even helping so I flipped out and said “I always clean and no one ever helps” and he’s like “I know. I don’t understand why you’re screaming, Chelsea.” I hate when he does that because it’s like he’s turning everything around on me. Why the fuck do you think I’m screaming, asshole? Because you just blame things on me and act like I’m a big piece of shit. And! This is the person in my “family” I’m closest to. *rolls eyes* So, anyway, I went upstairs and cried :(. Then Stephanie came over and picked me up. We went to the mall and I was fine. I was calming down when Rory started to text me and tell me what a bitch I was. He and I spent the next 6 ½ hours fighting via text. I called him out on being an alcohol guzzling, drug addicted thief. All he could come up with was to tell me I was fat and when he realized that wasn’t affecting me--and I quote---, “lmfao just go steal more rum from Dad or shit of his to pawn off and leave me alone Rory. Your fat and stupid comments stopped hurting me a long time ago. People who matter hurt me--that means nothing you say affects me whatsoever. Go get high and die for all I care, you will eventually anyway.”
As soon as he knew that, he moved on to insulting Brian and trying to say I sold myself to a pizza delivery boy, and that I was locked in my room with David. Ugh, like really? Fuck you. He’s the last person I’d cheat on Brian with. I didn’t go home for days and Brian confronted Rory. I mean, Rory was really mean about Brian and he knew that’s how he’d affect me. It was so horrible. And by Thursday he still wouldn’t drop things. He threatened Brian! I was so done by then that I cut my whole family off. Clearly that didn’t last long, but you know--two weeks later I still don’t say much to Rory. Fucktard dickhead. I know my “family” well enough (aka, my mom and my sisters) to know that they’d make excuses for him. They always do! So I was automatically just pissed at everyone. Well I finally told my mom the whole story and how Brian was threatened and what do you think she says? “Oh yea you don’t wanna get in a fight with Rory.” Bitch, what the hell makes that asshole so fucking special? He is so awful to EVERYONE yet she still sticks up for his ass. It really fires me up!!!!
The same Tuesday Rory and I got in that fight, I went to Barb’s house with Stephanie. We were sitting outside talking while they smoked. I apparently stepped in an ant pile and got eaten alive. I didn’t want to interrupt anyone so I didn’t ask for Benadryl until we went inside. Apparently, that was a big mistake. I took it, but it was too late. First my hands got itchy so I washed them with cold water. That helped but by then my face was swollen and my whole body was itchy and I had hives. But it could’ve been worse. I could breathe. I’m still thinking of looking into the epi pen though. That’s the second time since coming home from Ohio that I had a problem with ants. Anyway, I figured a cold shower would help so I said to Barb and Stephanie I could take a shower there or we could leave then and I could take one at Brian’s and Stephanie’s house. I guess Barb didn’t want me taking one there because she basically shoved us out the door! So we went home. I tried really hard to stay calm but I think I panicked anyway. When we got to the house I ran in, tearing my clothes off and went straight to Brian’s shower. he followed me to the bathroom and was appalled by how inflamed I was. I turned the cold shower on but by then I was dizzy and hot and in my gut, I knew something was very wrong. I sat in the cold shower and immediately, my skin felt better. But then the cramps started. You know how I told you I used to get cramps so bad that I’d pass out and throw up and scream? Well, it was like that so I assumed I was starting my period and it was a week early. I threw up, I screamed, I cried, Brian didn’t know what to do. I feel so bad for him. I tried to keep a level head and give him instructions (i.e. ibuprofen, heating pad, hot bath water in the other bathroom (his is just a shower). I ran through the house in just a towel (thank God Stephanie went back to Barb’s ,Tom was asleep, and Gregg was at work!) Brian’s mom (also Barb) asked if I was ok and I just shook my head and kept going. It all lasted like an hour. Then it stopped. I was so sure i was starting my period but it never came.
It wasn’t until a week later that I was at Universal waiting in line for Harry Potter (ok Islands of Adventure) and my period did start that it dawned on me. I wonder if I miscarried or induced a miscarriage with allergy medicine/stress. You don’t necessarily discharge anything when you miscarry. I haven’t really let myself think about it since then but it’s a nagging thought in the back of my mind. I don’t know. Brian says he’d thought of it when it happened and didn’t wanna say anything. He also said he was surprised it took me so long to think of it. That’s weird. My cramps for my period were bad again but I dealt with it so we could have fun for Brian’s b’day. *sigh* who knows what really happened. I’ll probably write more about this, but it’s late so maybe tomorrow or Thursday.
The things I need to go shopping for:
Jeans--3 pairs plain
3 pairs designed
shorts--3 or 4 pairs
blouses--5 or 6
skirts--3
high heels--2
sneakers--2
blazers--2 or 3
lipstick-- (I’m so mad I lost my favorite)
Other makeup products.
Yea, I need to replace like everything and my style/taste in things has changed a lot. Yes, you’ll see everything. Trust me.
Well, it looks like I’ve got about half of what I wanted to write today. I claim victory! Lol… I know I’ll get it done this week. Next week I’ll work on the first section and more writing (for the last 82 or so pages) and once I’m done with section one and writing, I’ll do the middle part really quick (book reviews and “If My Life were a Movie.”) Lol. Then I’ll send this off by August 31st (if not sooner) no if’s ands, or buts. Good thing I don’t smoke anymore (5 weeks!), I can write on my lunch break tomorrow and at home before Brian’s off work if I don’t go to Erin’s (which I probably won’t). Love you more than life!
<3,
me
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