6:53pm
~Chelsea~
Woot woot it's the 1st day of spring! Oh and I guess I wasn't finished writing that story, but oh well. It is so weird to see all the trees sprouting green leaves already and there's so many flowers. usually by this time it's still cold and it takes forever to warm up.
So... I decided I had to talk to Larry today. I didn't really want to do it over text message because of how he had been acting but he wasn't up for seeing me tonight so I told him it wasn't a big deal, I just had some stuff I needed to talk about with him and he asked what was it so I just asked if he was changing his mind already and he said that he had some doubts but he didn't know if they were all in his head or what. So we just talked about a lot of things. I do like him but I don't want to ruin things by moving too fast and he basically said the same thing. I'm glad that I found the courage to speak up because I was still be freaking out over it. I just couldn't get it out of my head that something was different and it was after the last time we slept together which was a week ago today. Something in me just clicked and I realized how much of a special person he is. I mean I knew that before but there was just something about the way he was with me. But then I guess he started to worry that what I was feeling might not be real because of how my last relationship ended. And he was also worried that our relationship might have just ended up being about sex which would have been bad. I mean, that's not what I want. I basically told him in the beginning that it would be easier to get into my pants than my heart right now. But it's not like I picked some guy at random. I had known this kid since high school and even though we hadn't spoken since I left (graduated), I still thought about him and he was essentially the same person that I knew before. So I knew that I would be safe. I think that at the time it's what I needed but now that things were starting to happen I think reality hit both of us which is completely fine. I'm just so happy and proud of myself that I had the courage to ask.
And I guess Monique was right when she told me that we would stop for a bit and then go again. This gives me some time to be on my own, too, and sort through my own feelings. Any other guy would have kept his mouth shut to keep the sex going or would have told me I was crazy and I had no right to worry about that stuff yet. The thing about me is that I will do just fine on my own, I know that much. Even when I was with someone, I felt like I was alone because I still didn't have someone I could be honest with. Barry maybe but only for a teeny tiny bit. I just wanted to know either way so I knew what to expect. I'm not gonna be mad or hold it again someone if he doesn't want to be with me. But I don't deserve to get dicked around. I deserve someone who will at least be straight up with me no matter what the answer is. Will I get that? I have no idea, but at least I'm finally being honest with myself and not letting a man's romantic intentions sway my decisions. It's tough but... I value honesty over anything else.
Wow... so this time last year Barry and I were just figuring things out and this year his court date is the 22nd. Oh--and on this day in 2004 I met you and Brian in person! Wow... crazy. Alright, I need to go. I iz hungraaaaaay.
<3,
me
7:33pm
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