7/19/12

7/19/12
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Hi.  Well, I was set for today to be a great day but so much for that.  I went to the dr to get my thyroid prescription refilled.  Dr Kelso wasn’t there so I got this real prick of a guy.  He told me first that if my dosage of synthroid worked for me we could keep it there.  Then, he looked at my chart for 5 minutes and went “hmmmm” and said he was going to take blood after all because the last time it was checked was in December.  I don’t think that’s true, I seem to remember having it redone in January when I still didn’t feel well but whatever.  I get that I need to have my levels tested to make sure I stay healthy but grrrrrr.  *sigh* Really, I just didn’t want the extra cost of the blood tests. So I’m gonna have to put my big girl panties on and deal with it.  But I don’t have to be happy about the rest.  He wanted to weigh me so he took me to the scale.  You wanna know what he said to me?!  “You must eat at a lot of restaurants because you gained ten pounds.”  I’m not going to lie, that really sucked.  I’m thicker and I have a gut, so what?  If you’re concerned about my weight fine, but why be so crude about it?  I need to man up if things like that make me cry.  Anyway, so I put Instant Star on (it’s my happy place) and ate a salad for lunch.  I’m not going shopping for clothes until I lose 30 pounds.  156 pounds is perfect for me.  I wanted 130 lbs but everyone’s right.  I’ll be too skinny then.  So I’ll shoot for 150/156 and see how it goes.  Brian is trying so hard to make me feel better.  He says he’ll diet and exercise with me.  He loves me no matter what and even if I gain 300 pounds haha.  I really love him.
You know what I just realized about Instant Star?  Jude has a dog in one episode and then we never see the dog again lol.  It’s a wheaton terrier and it’s so cute.
Um, I’m hungry.  In all honesty, I have been eating too much.  I think Brian and I just got so comfortable with each other.  Couple that with I quit smoking and yea--I eat a lot.  Smells get me, a whiff of anything foodwise that I love (chicken wings) and I’m chowing down.  Right now I’m starving and I donno what to eat. I think I’ll go get the almonds I had on my salad!  (Ok obviously not the same almonds hahaha.  The same kind I used.  There, yea).
MMM almonds and water… yum.  Ok!  Ok, I know it’s gonna be hard after 10 pounds to lose more so you’re gonna see me get discouraged.  Hopefully I can do what my Brian said and stick to my guns… I did with smoking!  (almost 6 weeks!) so I can do it with food and exercise, too.
I’m going to write up to 6 pages, take a bath and write 7 more pages tonight in here.  I’m pretty sure I can accomplish that.  You know what I’ve been meaning to do?  Make a bucket list.  In fact, I have like 10 lists I wanna make so I’m gonna make them here!

My Bucket List
write and publish at least one novel
make at least one album
sing onstage in front of thousands of people
be in a movie
star in a movie
be on a tv show
have my poetry pubished
Go to Los Angeles, CA
go to NYC, NY
go to New Zealand
go to Ireland
go to China
go to France
go to Germany
go to Spain
go to Jamaica
go to Greece
go to Israel
go to italy
drive (well, get my license)
scuba dive lessons
ballroom dancing
be in a ballroom dancing contest
scuba dive
be in a music video
work at Disney World as a character
be 130 lbs!  forever!
be rich
have a wonderful marriage
have a lot of kids
own a no-kill animal shelter
dance with the rockettes
be happy.

Things I Need to buy for the next NB:
Binder
paper protectors
glitter
school glue
tape (I have a certain kind in mind)
at least one composition book or a few thin notebooks
new pens
my camera
“products” I can’t disclose
Inspiration!
I have a few things to decide but I don’t have to decide now.  The answer will come while I do the notebook.  I just wish I could wave a magic wand and finish this one with all the potential it deserves.  *sigh* So hey, you know how in Season 1 of Instant Star Jude is making a video with Shay?  Well it would have been cool if they actually showed the video like they would have on MTV.  I’m just saying.  Ugh I hate the romance between Sadie and Tommy.  Also, having the dad cheat is so lame if the mom was just going to abandon them all along.  You know?  She just leaves.  It’s like, you never were there but now you really leave?  Bah humbug.  Fuck, I have to pee but I need to finish these last 6 pages so I can feel accomplished lol.  You know, Shay really is a charmer on the show.  Still, I don’t like him.  He’s not my type.  At all!

Things I Want To Buy
eyeshadow palattes
eyeshadow pigments
cleanser
scrub
mask
toner
blush
lipsticks
lipglosses
brushes
eyeliners
hair curler
dry shampoo
leave-in conditioner
shampoo
conditioner
makeup sponges
body wash
back scrubber
nail polish
teeth whitener
toothpaste
towels
new bedding
pajamas
exercise clothes
socks
sneakers
flip flops
high heels
tights/pantyhose
barrettes
hair ties
purses
lotion
earrings
rings
necklaces
bracelets
new jewelry box
textile posters
pillows
t-shirts
christmas gifts
tank tops
bras
panties
shorts
skirts
shirts/blouses
jeans
blazers
dresses
water
green tea
potatoes--bake
chicken
cranberries
almonds
weight loss pills (otc natural)
thyroid meds
dried fruit
fruit
yogurt
popcorn (no butter!)
and I think I’ve got it all covered.

*Christmas Gifts*
I want…
a laptop
kindle fire
money for Victoria’s Secret
Betty Boop/Page stuff
a good job in Orlando
oooh, and cookies from you.
My own place in Orlando!

I’m doing something (even if it’s small) for:
Dad (I wanna pay to register his boat tags)
mom
Rory (I guess)
Riley
Reegan
Winter
Brody (video games stuff from this store in the mall)
Brian (tons of stuff)
you

I think that covers Christmas.  I know my birthday is first and I think I just want to see you for Breaking Dawn 2, and have a nice dinner/movie with my dad, Brody, and Brian.  Omg!  This scene in Instant Star!  Tommy kisses Jude on her 16th birthday.  I hate that he says it can’t happen lol. This damn show!  Lmfao I can’t believe I’m almost through the whole first season in one day.  And I’m going to watch more while I write after I bathe and go get my paycheck.  So, I’ll watch more. I think tomorrow and Saturday after work I’ll do computer stuff.  So I really have this NB figured out.  Doing good.  Ok, so bath and then paycheck and then I’ll write more!  Love you so much!

Okay, so I’m back. My check was $168 and change.  Not even enough to foot the bill for the doctor much less get my prescription filled. However, and this is why (well partly) my daddy will always be my hero, he said I could give him half this week so it would leave me with money for the week and my prescription.  So that’s good.  I’m very happy about that.  I also got salad and chicken stuff for dinner and I’ve been drinking water all day.  Take that fat! Eating good won’t be enough though.  I don’t know how I’m going to fit exercising into my life too but I am walking to work tomorrow so I’ll just take it one day at a time. Man alive I am tired.  The heat fucked me over tonight.  Sometimes I’m just exhausted.  Now I’m waiting for Brian to come over and watch some Breaking Bad before we go to the Duke for karaoke.  Wanna know something kind of funny?  Brian wanted to go.  He’s in this new contest (I can’t be in it because I won the last one) and he wants to try a song he feels he could win with.  Also “Simply Irresistable” By I forget who.  Lmao.  I just think, that’s cute that he wanted to go.  Omg I’m 3 episodes (4?) into season 2 and I only have one page.  Lmao.  Whoops.  So I should probably pick up the pace.  Unfortunately it’s about dinner time and I have to figure out what to do with my chicken. I think I may ask my dad to grill it (all of it) so I can put it on a salad for my lunch tomorrow too.  I’m thinking that would be a good idea as long as dickface (Rory) keeps his hands off my chicken.  We’ll see.  I don’t know why he always has to eat my stuff.  He ate all my salsita chips to WTF?  Quit eating my food.  I try not to eat here anymore because he always comments on how all I do is come here to eat and then I leave and I’m just like my mom.  He is a complete asshole.  I don’t understand how he’s so horrid to my mom and she just keeps on sticking up for him.  It’s ridiculous.  It’s pissing my dad off too.  She sends Rory money, etc etc.  Yet *I’m* the dependent one.  I may still live with my dad, but at least I don’t sponge off him.  I pay all my own shit, I basically take care of myself except for how Brian helps.  So I just called Brian to see where he was and he said another 20 minutes.  Booo but that does give me writing time.  Or nap time.  Or cooking time.  Ah, decisions, decisions.  Man… I kind of wanted to go to the mall before I went to the Duke to give the lady more money for the stuff I have on layaway but I don’t think that’s going to happen.
Maybe tomorrow.  Ah, U turn just came up to my room and made himself comfortable on my bed and I’m just gonna let him stay.  He’s licking his non existant balls and now he’s gone.  That was a quick visit lol.  Oh I just realized I’m at the end of season 1, not in season 2.  So that’s good.  I was wondering why it was going so quick.  It’s the last episode though, when she kisses Jamie.  I don’t think I ever could have been on board with “Jumie” (Jude and Jamie.  Jummy or Tode?  er Jommy?  Is Jude and Tommy.)  Kristopher Turner and Alexz Johnson have no chemistry it seems.  Watching them kiss is excruciating.  I put this on to brighten my mood and it worked. My boyfriend is probably going to be walking in any time now.  I think I’ll do one last page and then do my last three after Duke.  I’m sure I’ll have tons of drama to tell you about.  That’s why I don’t even like going to karaoke anymore.  It’s like going to high school again.  I’m about done with all the people I’m “friends” with.  I feel like I’ve outgrown them.  I mean really outgrown them.  Everyone called me a drama queen and I know I have my moments, but I have really stepped back and you know what?  Still major drama.  Ooh I hear my man.  THERE HE IS!  Alright, I’m gonna write this, while he looks at his magic cards (?) lol then eat, then do my makeup, then leave, haha.  Brian is watching Instant Star with me lmao.  I have weird throbbing pain going through me, my chest and boobs mostly.  Owwwwwwww.  Erm, my man is trying to explain his magic cards to me and it’s like a foreign language lol.  Ok, I don’t know where the fuck this pain is coming from but I don’t like it.  DO NOT WANT.  Omg I saw that dog again!  Yes!  Two episodes lol.  Sorry I’m all over the place.
Anyway, I’m gonna say adios for now.  But more soon….

<3,
me