12:14pm
Hey Chels!
How are you doing? I hope you are feeling somewhat better today. I miss talking to you everyday but I'm so glad that we got past that little rough patch. I wasn't exactly TRYING to tell you what to do. It's just that you had told me what happened with Ryan right AFTER all that shit happened with Barry so the timing wasn't right at all. But... what's done is done and I am sure as hell not going to give up on us after everything we have been through together. It is painfully clear that we BELONG in each other's lives. You are my soulmate :). Not in a lesbian kind of way but in a best friend kind of way.
Anywho so... I guess Barry did get my letter. I know this because I hung out with Sarah on Monday and she let me read his note. I told him where Killer was and he wrote that he was with someone he trusted (kind of ironic considering no one trusts him anymore). He also seems to think that he might be out by April 30th, which is his next court date. You know, I feel like he's just screwing himself more and more. If he pleaded guilty he could have gotten help to cope with life (obviously if he didn't need help he wouldn't have gone down that road to begin with) and he's not being honest with anyone (besides that joke of a letter he wrote me) about what actually happened. Anyone who was looking could have seen what was going on. I think people wouldn't be so judgmental if he was honest and said, "yes, I did use. It was a mistake and I'm sorry for hurting everyone. But this is what I plan on doing about it." Sarah wants to see him in jail and I told her I would take her but please don't tell him that I'm there. I'm not sure if that's actually going to happen but.. she wants to see if he will be honest with her. I did tell her that if she chooses to be friends with him still I wouldn't be mad or stop being friends with her. That's her own decision. She said that she will decide based on what he says, if he confesses to using or not.
I think it's kind of fucked up that this whole time he had been telling me not to trust her, that she's too flakey to be friends with and all of this other stuff. and first he's telling me that she cheated on him even though they were never official, then 6 months later he's talking like he thinks of her as a little sister. Okay... someone please explain that to me because he started things with me long before he was even over her. So I have no idea when he managed to break things off with her, start something new with me, and then get over her without even breaking a sweat. And I remember that whole time thinking to myself that he could just go back to her whenever he wanted. And I wasn't even trying to call him my boyfriend. He just assumed I thought we were together and didn't say anything about it. cuz why would he when he's getting free sex? ugh that is such a pigish thing to do. And then today his cousin Stephanie tells me that her gramma passed away. She has altheimer's disease and had been in a nursing home for 5 years. Barry's grampa died in the summer of 2010 but I couldn't even be there for him cuz that's when he was ignoring me and being up Sarah's ass all the time. And now, BOTH he AND Chris won't be able to go because they're both in jail. It just astounds me how some people can be SO selfish.
Things with Larry have gotten a little better. We actually talked some stuff out and I FINALLY got to say things that have been on my mind for weeks now. Just that even though the timing may have been off, I don't feel like what we did was a mistake and he said he felt the same way. We're still just friends right now but it felt good to say things. I also told him that no one else besides him has ever given me space before. I thought my last boyfriend did but looking back on it, that's not how things happened. We basically slept together until someone else asked if we were together. I'm not sure what that's called but it sure as FUCK is not space. So, Larry said he just didn't want to lose me and I said he wouldn't as long as he was always honest with me. So... we'll see.
It's funny, I have noticed that the only boys I'm talking to even on a friendship level (Larry, Mark, Geoff, and Steve) are boys I've known for a VERY long time. Everytime I even meet a new guy or just see a cute one walking down the street I get a little panicky. I just don't want anything to do with any guy that I don't know right now. And that may be closing myself off to any new possibility but frankly I really don't give a shit. I'm not really worried about meeting anyone new right now, anyway. I even told Larry that the only reason why I believe anything he's telling me is because I've known him for like... 13 years. Granted we didn't keep in touch after high school but I can tell he is still the same person so I know that I always have a friend in him regardless of what else happens between us.
Alright my dear, I need to get going for now. I love you and I'm so glad you got my stuff!
<3,
Rita bo Bita
1:10pm
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