March 27th, 2012

March 27th, 2012
7:52pm

Hey Chels,
Well, I got through 30 pages!  Only took 2 days.  I'm gonna start my next 30 tonight and see if I can knock off some pages so I don't have as much to do tomorrow.  I think I'm going to keep making these journals into books so we can both have copies (and will do for you too if you'd like).

So... I talked to Larry a bit today and told him that I missed him.  Not like "that" but just missed being around him.  He didn't say it back but I wasn't really expecting that.  I'm glad that he's letting me say what I need to right now.  Although he leaves me alone a lot.  I dunno... I feel like I want to ask him if he still feels the same way he did about a month ago, but I'm not sure what that would prove.  Honestly, I don't know why I'm still worrying about it because I'm still not ready for anything other than friendship. I guess I just want to know if what he told me was true or if he was just trying to cheer me up.  But I guess no matter what, I will find out eventually.  I don't feel like right now is the right time to ask, either because I don't want him to have to be confronted with feelings that he might not be ready for right now.

I was reading about my relationship with Barry and omg that shit was complicated.  Him getting pissed at me over a stupid comment then acting like I was crazy for being uncomfortable in Korey's house and then not even kissing me before he left?!?  And then to tell me he loves me via TEXT MESSAGE?  umm... I dunno what I really expected.  To be honest, the whole thing sounds kind of fucked up.  I mean, he had JUST ended things with Sarah and was still pissed at her when we started talking again.  I was so worried about HIS feelings and all this time he expected ME not to lie or cheat or act differently because he told me he loved me, when he did EXACTLY those things.  And then a LOT more.  I should be thankful that anyone with romantic intentions for me is giving me any kind of space right now, and enjoy that space while I can.  I think that if Larry is going to change his mind and not wait for me, then he is really missing out and he knows it.  I think the best thing to do is give him some real space so I can give MYSELF space.  At least this time, the wondering part is on a curious/want to know basis instead of an urgent/need to know basis.  I don't feel like if I leave him alone I'll lose him.  With Barry it was like... it was so important for me to get him to trust me and I was always worried about where I stood, even when we were just friends.  It was like he saw me as bait or something and he knew exactly how to play things.  He was just extremely hard to read and I could never tell if he liked me or not.
But in the end I guess he didn't because I wouldn't treat ANYONE that I liked with such utter disrespect.

8:27pm