January 18th, 2012

January 18th, 2012
12:15am

Hey Chels,
Just did some yoga and I feel so much better.  Although I did have a somewhat crazy day.  Oh btw... I'm on the last book of the Seven Deadly Sins series: Greed.  I'm waiting until I finish to give the full report.
So... I actually heard from Barry today.  The reason why I haven't been hearing much from him for the past few days is because he's got allergies bad from the weather being so damn crazy and he had some foot fungus that was actually pretty serious.  That boy has been through so many illnesses it's ridiculous.  Even though he probably won't be on ALL the meds that he's on now for the rest of his life, meds will just be a part of his life forever.  Just like my dad, you, Geoff, Alex... over half of my friends have these issues.  It's bad enough that I have to worry about my dad all the time but I'm not sure how much more I can handle.  But Barry is going to be a part of my life no matter what, regardless if he's sick or not.  It does explain why he was kind of weird the other night.  He said "luv ya," which is what you'd say to a friend.

His meeting is today and I am praying to God he makes it to this one.  I offered to give him a ride (if he didn't want to walk) but I think he's asleep.  His original meeting was on the 5th but he was too sick to go.  I am 95% sure that he won't miss this one but all it takes is him forgetting or getting sick or something and then who knows what would happen?
I'm wishing he didn't say anything at all to the police, then he wouldn't be in this mess (and I'm pretty sure he often feels the same way).

Ugh.  I'm gonna stop obsessing over it and whatever happens tomorrow is supposed to happen and I'll deal with it when I have to.

Also, I had a long conversation with my friend Steve today.  I realized that if we had stayed together since we met, we would probably still be together, maybe even married.  We met in 2001 and we were "together" for a month before he met Ashley.  Then he got married and I went through Nick, Mike, Brian, and Ryan. By the time Ryan and I broke up, steve was still miserable but wouldn't leave Ashley.  She's the one who finally got sick of him and left.  But if there had been no Ashley and no other guys, he would have been the only man I have ever slept with.  I feel that even now that I'm with someone else. And it's not like I'm not happy with Barry -- I am.  I just can't help wondering how my life would be different had I chosen another path.  Maybe... I could write a story about it?  Hmmm.  That I have to think about.  It's funny because I can remember a time not too long ago when I was thinking, "I am so happy with Barry.  I am SO in love with that boy."  And then the next day I found that conversation he had with Sarah, and then that really weird New Years, and all these conflicting feelings I'm having. I do love him.  I get all stupid when I'm around him.  Just like... whenever he touches me I feel my face light up and his kisses make me all giddy... but it's been so long since we've spent actual quality time together that it's starting to drive me nuts.  I think it's just because I really miss him.  But he has been too sick/busy/stressed to have time for me.  And believe me, I understand about all of that.  But I have feelings, too.  I have wants and needs and it would just be nice to know that he's thinking of me too and misses me, too.  I did wake up to a really nice text, which was a start, but I think one day I'll have a talk with him.  I'm relatively low maintenance, you don't have to tell me you love me 50x a day.  But it would be nice to hear that you are thinking about me.  Well, I can't really say that becaue he DOES do that, just sometimes it takes a while.

MORE TO WRITE BUT TOO TIRED!

<3,
me

1:04am