1:49pm
Including this page and excluding the picture pages I have 63 pages left to finish up this nb! Yay! I just got finished reading yours and read the first nb letter that you wrote. I ended up stapling the letter in 3 different sections to 3 pages so you have... 132 pages left to finish up your nb so yay! Apparently your next one will be volume 9 so just keep that in mind if you're keeping track and my next one is 10. So, okay. With all that junk out of the way, hi! How are you? I cannot believe all of that junk, what would Ryan have to do with anything though? And it just seems like Nicole likes him or whatever, I'm not sure. But, I say pfffft to both of them. You don't need to be dragged out to any drug dealer places. Does Nicole understand at all what you went through with David and Lynne? And if she's gonna preach about she thinks you're passed all that drama, well wtf is she doing then? Ugh. How long have you known Nicole, anyway? Now I see more about why this whole Ryan thing isn't JUST his fault. Although, if he was actually trying to get better as opposed to getting high or whatever still, he might have chosen differently. Right now his addiction is winning.
It's like with Barry, the guy is smart, okay? But his cousin is an addict, so when Barry tries to treat him like a regular person -- see I don't get that. Ugh my dog SMELLS! Anyhow, I just don't get how someone with an IQ of 139 can honestly expect an addict to behave like a rational human being. Chris is so into his addiction that I am not sure if he'll be alive by the time he's 30.
But anyway, I don't get Ryan or Nicole's behavior at all. Maybe he feels like he can relate to her better because they can get high together or something? I dunno. But I still feel like he's failed you at every turn already, every time he could have stepped up he didn't, so if he's gonna treat you this way I think you're better off. And wtf was that with that Roland guy? It sounded like he just wanted sex and him bragging about having more offers and having enough friends is just him saving face. Men are very egotistical creatures. To understand a man is like, to understand 1 thing -- the male ego. The male ego is easier to stroke than the penis, but more fragile than a snowflake. If a man's ego is bruised, he will try ANYTHING to save face, the most popular being to say the exact opposite of what the actual truth is. No matter what they say, if it's out of hurt or they're showing off, think "exact opposite" and you will be a lot closer to the truth.
~brb~
7:02pm
Lol, when I say brb I guess I really mean it. At least, I mean well.
Well, I went to the thrift store with my mom to find a Halloween costume, but I couldn't find anything. I ended up finding a shirt though and I went online and found a pretty skirt. I already have leggings so I don't need those and I'm prolly going to wear my boots. I don't care if the style is different, I'll make it work. I'm not sure what Barry and I are doing for Halloween yet but we will be together and that's what matters. You know, I thought about this. Both years that Ryan and I were together I was there but he couldn't come up to be with me on mine and my last birthday was -- well -- it could have been a LOT better if we hadn't gotten into a fight a few days before thus ruining the whole experience. The last birthday I had with a boyfriend was in 2007, when you and David were there, Ryan, (my roommate), and Nathan also because Nathan had just moved in with us. In 2008 I was home and Ryan and I were still just talking or whatever, but it was around then that he bought my first plane ticket to go see him. Ahhhh, memories. Apparently, my dinner was supposed to be tomorrow (the 23rd), but my mom has to work to get Thursday (my b'day) off so I have a whole week to get my room spotless. It sucks because I had to cancel going to the zombiwauk so I could clean and then I find out that I had a whole week. My room isn't so bad, but this is the first time Barry will be seeing it so I don't want him to think I'm a complete slob. Which I sort of can be but he doesn't need to know that, lol.
So, this weekend compared to last weekend is total sucko. No plans, no boyfriend, no nothing. Last weekend was a whole bunch of crazy. It was around this time that I was at the Arkwauk with Alex and Rachel. We walked around for a while and then walked over to where there was some sign that was going to be re-lit. Apparently the sign was to some restaurant that hadn't been lit in over a decade and the townspeople all helped put the sign back up. They painted it and rewired it. I videotaped the whole thing happening. I am trying to put it on face book now. It was so cool to be a part of something that historic. Afterwards Alex really wanted to meet Delilah so we waited for our turn. Alex said hi and it was nice to meet you, all of that and I said, "hi, I just wanted to say that you really helped me out a lot," and then I told her that when I moved to Florida I was so happy that I could still hear her, and I would just listen to her when my life was falling apart. This was the point where I started tearing up a little bit. Then she gave me this huge hug and asked if she could pray for me and I said yes so she did. I told her a little about Brian (no names) and how the abuse was mostly mental that turned physical and when I came home I still had a bruise on my arm when I went to Alex's wedding. She asked me if I told people that I walked into a door and I said no and she said, "good for you". I truly believe that I was blessed at that moment. I had 4 people who literally saved my life all in one place. Delilah, Alex, Rachel, and little Anthony. Just his being born made me feel so much more connected to being here. And it helped not miss Florida so much. That was a big help in healing. Delilah told me I was still healing, and that made me think. I mean, if I saw anyone who had helped me I probably would have had the same reaction. They weren't really sad or hurt tears, it was more of feeling overwhelmed at the moment. But maybe there is still some hurt in there somewhere. I know I'm a little better off than I was 3 years ago. But maybe I still have a ways to go. Who knows. Brian really did a number on me. :-/.
After the Artwauk, Alex and I went to get some food. I left her place at 10pm and went to Barry's. I got there around 11:30pm and Chris opened the door. At first he wouldn't let me in but I had to pee bad so I just opened the door and let myself in. I guess he was fucked up or whatever ::rolls eyes::. Well, I had a nice visit with Barry (Chris passed out and in the morning couldn't remember when I got there or anything else). I'm not really proud of this but I have to say the weirdest thing in the whole world is having sex in the same room as someone who is passed out but you have no idea if they will wake up for a split second and see somebody naked. I really do not want anyone (well, okay maybe 1 person) seeing me naked. I know Barry doesn't care, but I do. I know he wouldn't put me into that situation on purpose, but I'm just a modest person I guess. But the good news is that from now on I think I won't have to worry about that because when I told Barry about Chris rubbing my leg, he said not to worry but only because the same thing has happened to him and he'll just have to leave the next time I come over. I talked to Barry yesterday about the "Chris situation" and he said he hasn't been late on rent yet but he's not sure how much longer he can support him. Cuz it's not just about rent, it's about everything else he wants. Drugs cost money. Cigarettes cost money. Whatever else costs money. Barry says he's not sure how long the borrowing/begging can last for. I was trying to tell him that it seemed like he wasn't any better off than he was when he was alone and he said, "I wouldn't put it that way exactly." I think he missed my point. I mean, yeah okay he has rent money, but that's pretty much it and what about general living expenses?
That kid smokes more than I've ever seen. Well, maybe, Debbie? That is a LOT. And since he is always smoking, he carries this bag around with cigarette butts in it from all the cigs he can find. I'm sorry, but that is fucking gross. And I think that's why the bed smelled so bad. Cuz he just set it down next to him. I'm like, "seriously? You're gonna sleep with that next to you?" sick.
Ugh? I'm tired of writing about this. I don't care what happens but Chris needs a real job soon or Barry won't have any choice but to kick him out. I don't think Chris even realizes that he is living there because no one else in the family will take him. And I mean NO ONE.
--tired--
8:33pm
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