9:57pm
Hey Chels!
Ugh. Why am I not done with this yet?!?!? Lol. I started reading your freewrites and I really liked them. Well, I've only read the one about sex so far, but reading these makes me feel like I want to go into a sort of trance or whatever and start writing just whatever comes out of my head. I think after I'm done reading ur stuff, that's exactly what I'm going to do.
10:00pm
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~Free write~
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I would prefer silence but my parents always have the tv on so it looks like I have no choice but to try and tune it out, which is fine. Ooh--or put my ipod on (duh).
Ahh--so much better. It is wonderful how music = magic. Instant love, instant conversation starter, poetry made into art set to music which beats into my very soul, become my blood, flowing through my veins and traveling to my heart and staying there. If I could, I would live inside a musical note. I wish he would understand -- not sure who he is, but I wish more people would understand me. It makes me sad that too many people don't. All I want is for the world to smile. What is wrong with that? Everything, according to some people.
Your words in your free writes makes me want to write every word that comes into my head, but ugh that will take forever.
Today. Today was, what was today? Was fun until I had to drive home and spent 30-45 mins extra in my car when I was 15 minutes away from my house. Not a good thing for someone with a small bladder. But now I'm home and I started cleaning up my room and started watching Instant Star. That show takes me back to when Brian was living with me. After the disaster that was Florida, it's hard to believe that he lived with my family for over a year. Jerkface!
Done for now (but there will be more, I promise)!
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I miss Joe. It will be 6 years in January, but the hole is still there in my heart. It saddens me that I never had a chance to know him before he died. In some ways I feel like I don't have the right to feel what I feel on that dark day, even though I can still hear the phone ring, hear Earnest's voice telling me, hearing my voice not believe it's the same person I'm thinking of. I can still remember Nick not leaving me alone, the tears that would never stop, the feeling of shock and heartbreak. I miss his gorgeous face. I miss his kind eyes and beautiful sense of humor. I miss his bearlike gait and gentle demeanor. Like Jacob Black he was his own personal sun, and yet he felt the need to fly, leaving us all behind. I know he is always with me, watching me and being with me in that quiet way of his. Every time I hear Led Zeppelin I will think of the way his face lit up immediately.
I also can't help but think of Brian. I know it wasn't my fault that he HAD to live with me. His aunt kicked everyone out of that house in Florida (stupid). But I know he blames me for not having that time with Joe that he could have had. All those parties and music shows he missed because he was stuck up here. You know what makes me sick? Joe died because of too much alcohol. Do you think ANYONE would get a clue and stop drinking? Maybe not within the first 6 months? but it's been 6 years. Cannot believe all I have been through in that much time. I feel like I'm a cat, at least on life #5. So much I wish I could say, I wish I could apologize for, I wish I could have been stronger. I have journals I haven't opened since they've been closed and frankly, I'm scared. I don't want to hear how my heart was broken THIS time. But it's there whenever I'm ready to take a look into the past. Maybe another day.
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11:10pm
So, just got to Labor Day weekend and um, you have had sex with Rich at least 10-11 times? I really have no idea what to say right now. I mean, on the one hand, before Erica got the help she needed she was kind of nutty or whatever, but I'm just trying to figure out why you would sleep with someone you claim not to like as anything more than a friend. I mean, from that one note I read, apparently this isn't the first time he's done this and it seems like maybe he wasn't as into Erica as she was into him (hello, thinking about marriage after 2 months?). I am pretty sure you might just be weak when it comes to men, which is whatever. I am trying really hard to understand, I mean, one slip up I understand, but 10? Or 11? That's like, a fling or whatever. Or you're the other woman or something -- I don't know. And it's funny that since he and Erica broke up there is less tension between you guys (at least from what you tell me). But there has to be SOMETHING there for people to get all nosey about and piss Erica off for asking if you guys are in a relationship. I guess there is a certain way people act around each other once they've had sex -- whatever the connection between them. My whole thing is -- if he was bad or whatever, what made you do it again? Hopefully this will be explained to me somewhere within the course of the nb. Oh and I had a point -- it's funny that now that he's single he's not TRYING to have sex with you. Unless there's stuff I don't know about yet. Eek!
Omggg I could keep writing forever but I am exhausted so I want to lay down for a while.
<3,
Me
11:26pm
P.S. it may seem in some entries that I'm trying to judge you or I'm being snobbish or something but I'm not. It's just me overanalyzing the situation, as usual. But I love you and you know that all your secrets are safe with me. 100%!
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