11:40pm
Hey Chels,
Wow, I didn't realize it was so late! See what happens when you actually do productive stuff instead of just laying in bed watching TV for hours? I have noticed that I really enjoy being busy and I hate not doing anything. I just start feeling bad for watching "too much" tv. I think that's why my DVR is always full. Of course, sometimes I enjoy "me" time, but usually that's spent doing things besides just vegging out.
So, how is your Halloween party going? I can't wait to dress up. I'm not sure which day I'm going out (Barry wants to go to a couple of places for Halloween). Crap I just checked and one of the places was doing stuff tonight. I thought it would be tomorrow or Sunday. But whatever. If anything we can just dress up on Monday and watch scary movies and not go anywhere. And honestly, I think I am all for that idea. I have to take my mom to get her wound repacked on Monday but I think I'm gonna dress up when I get home and just be dressed up all day. Haha I love that idea.
Alright so I have wanted to write about this for a looooooongggg ass time. Okay. But before I do, tonight I decided (since I'm staying in this evening) to draw and watch some YouTube stuff. So I started watching Olga Kay. She says "moosh" a lot, which reminded me of something. When I was with Brian, I used to squish his cheeks together and say "moosh moosh." This was back in 2004 when he came to live with my parents and me. He was a completely different person. He actually cried and showed emotion and actually gave a fuck about me. I would have married that guy. But oh well.
Alright, enough of the depressing shit. So, there is this book called Something Borrowed. I read it back in 2009 back when we weren't speaking. It's about these 2 women who have been best friends since they were 10. One of them is shy and dependable, does what is expected of her, follows the rules, etc. She has always seemed to be overshadowed by her crazy outgoing friend named Darcy, who just does whatever she wants without thinking of the consequences. She makes everything all about her and exaggerates for dramatic effect, etc. Anyway, Rachel meets this guy named Dex at law school, but she never felt like she was good enough for him, so he went out with Darcy. On Rachel's 30th birthday, she ended up sleeping with Dex. And then it turns into a whole "should she feel bad if Darcy really is a crappy friend? Do these people actually fit as a couple?" And so on.
At first when I read this book I really identified with Rachel because I was going out with Ryan, who you had such a connection with for so long. I really struggled with my feelings because I remembered what our dates were like back when we first met and I felt like I had to find out for myself if there was anything there. And I also felt like how was I going to be friends with you again if you found out all of this stuff? I tried justifying it to myself that it was okay because we had that huge fight and were "never talking again." So like, every time that we did talk to each other and you still didn't know, I would feel so guilty. And Ryan would basically guilt me into telling him whether or not I was talking to you. Like it was his business. I was so afraid of you finding out and getting so hurt I would shut you out because I felt like that was easier but I would miss you. And then I made the mistake of trusting that bitch, Emily. She should not have gotten in the middle, that was not her secret to tell. I think that's what hurt you the most. The weirdest part would be hearing from you and not being able to tell you where I was because I didn't know how close you and Brian were. Things were better between Ryan and I when you and I weren't talking. Even in the beginning. I should have told him to fuck off if he was going to be a big baby but oh well.
Anyhow, my point was that it was so surreal to me to have feelings for someone I had only heard stories of for 6 years. I never felt like I would ever meet him, much less anything else. One night at the beach (I think it was our 3rd date) I was looking down. He actually scooped up my chin and gave me a really nice kiss. My first thought was, "so this is what Chelsea was talking about." I'm not sure what all I've told you before so if you're hearing it for the millionth time, I'm truly sorry.
So, the book gave me this false hope because of the ending, but the reaction was something I expected out of you. Which is what I DIDN'T want. I don't want to spoil the ending if you ever decide to read it. And THEN there is ANOTHER book called Something Blue which is told from Darcy's point of view. I have to say that like, she might have been friends with Rachel for 20+ years, but that doesn't mean she actually knew her or respected her as a person. Rachel at least felt bad, but then whenever Darcy would do something shitty she would "get back" at her by sleeping with Dex. But Darcy didn't even really care about Dex, just that he was "good on paper". I think she is more in love with herself than anyone else.
Phew, had to stop writing before I gave away the whole story, lol.
Man alive this week was rough. I have only 2 more nights of the medicine and then I'm free. I can't wait to get into yoga again. My body is hurting like nobody's business. I still really hope Barry and I get to hang out on Halloween, that would be so nice.
I have to get going. I have to get up early to get your package. And then my aunt is coming and I'm not really sure what time she'll get here. I saw her message on Facebook and I guess she sent me an e-card but I dunno which email address she sent it to but I didn't receive anything. She can save up $21,000 to buy herself a new car but she can't buy me a real birthday card? And then she whines to my mother that I didn't acknowledge everyone. I'm sorry, since when is MY birthday all about YOU? If she brings it up I'll be like, "look. I was busy all day and I did thank everyone for wishing me a happy birthday. And I haven't seen a card from you so not sure which email you sent the card to?" Nope, not on my garn3tr0se one either. Ugh, I just hope she doesn't make me pretend to look at her puzzle designs. I don't care. And I don't want to discuss my personal life with her, either. Barry is a nice boy and we get along great but we're not getting married yet, the end. Lol, the subject of marriage hasn't come up once since we've been together, actually. We talked about it when we were still friends or whatever, but I had no idea how he felt about me and he was involved with Sarah so, yeah. But of course my mother doesn't have to know that. Lol, I mean my aunt.
I will make another list, I feel like I've already written some of this stuff but if I haven't checked things off I'm going to assume that I didn't. Please bear with me, I haven't been sleeping well, too stressed out, lots of running around and not enough down time. Plus I wanted to wait for your letter so I could comment on things to finish up but I realize that I need both of my stories and comments for you to get this thing done. But also, I am planning on getting Instant Star done at the same time so I can send everything that's finished all at once. So that's 2 notebooks, jewelry box, and Instant Star. I kind of hope I could drag it out for your birthday, but I dunno. That doesn't really seem fair.
Well, your birthday is only 30 days away. So if I can finish it by the 21st, you'll hopefully get it around thanksgiving. But there will be some b'day stuff in there for you. Alright, I love you!
<3,
Rita bo Bita
1:26am
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