11/10/11

11/10/11
1:08am

It's a full moon tonight!  Beaver moon, I think it's called.  You know, I just had a thought  I dunno if it's weird or not but I just had it.  I'm not gonna worry about seeing Barry so much.  I still love him and everything but I hate stressing about how often we see each other, if it's enough, and so on.  It's been almost a month since we've physically seen each other and at first I was going crazy but now I feel like it's whatever.  I am 29 years old.  I am my own woman and I don't need to be up my boyfriend's ass every 2 seconds.

On a related note, I feel kinda nervous about seeing him again.  Not in a bad way, but more of a shy, butterflies in the stomach kind of way.  I don't even know when that will be but I'm thinking this weekend (although my period is due at like any minute).  Truth is, I miss him a lot.  And it's been so long since we've seen each other that I feel like it will feel like a first date.  I just hope it's soon!  Ugh.

<3, me

1:17am
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11/10/11
11:09pm

Hey Chels!
In exactly 51 minutes it will be 11/11/11.  How fucking cool is that?
Man. What a week.  I started hardcore studying again on Monday and I've been doing really well, attempting to take 3 hours out of my day and just study.  If I take a break I stop the clock and start it again when I start back up.  So far I have been able to go almost the full 3 hours.  But I've had to quit because either I get distracted or tired and I just have to stop.  I think I need to find a comfier spot.
Also, I have been working on other NBS so I've been kind of neglecting this one, but I figured that tonight is as good a night as any to write.  Okay so, yesterday was a pretty shitty day.  My friend Sarah forced me to watch this movie called 180 degrees.  It starts off with this guy asking people if they know who Hitler is and the first like 10 people say no.  Okay, I don't believe ANYONE when they say they don't know who Hitler is.  So, right off the bat I get pissed off because it's so stupid.  And then the guy goes on to say that during the Holocaust there were piles of bodies of Jews.  Some were still alive, others were dead.  Hitler had his Nazis push a bulldozer forward to scooch the bodies into a huge ditch.  "If Hitler told you to move the bulldozer, would you?" some people changed their answers.  This one girl named Alisha said that she would in fact push the bulldozer (mostly out of fear of her own life, I think).  And my friend commented that when this woman was asked in what circumstances would it be right to kill a baby while in the womb and she said, "you know?  I can't think of one."  Then when the guy started showing how babies grow in the womb (15 minutes in) I turned it off. After that whole fight we had over abortion, I was PISSED that she would insist on having me watch it.  I am not disputing the fact that when a baby is in the womb, it is a life.  Even at 3 weeks.  That's not what my problem is.  I am also aware that lots of kids with asshole parents rise above it and go on to lead happy and healthy lives, but a lot of them don't.  I'm not saying that kids with normal parents don't have their share of problems, either.  It's hard to predict how someone is going to turn out.  But if you're going to choose to have a baby, don't be selfish.  Have one because it's what YOU want and have the maturity level to be able to handle it.  I DO have a problem with people (I'm sorry, like Sara), who keep having babies with different daddies and all of that.  It kills me to know that Winter is already so damaged and will probably be looking for "daddy" anywhere she can.  I pray she doesn't make the same mistakes as her mom.  But again there's no way to know for sure.
I feel like sometimes abortion is more humane than a lifetime of suffering.  Kids deserve to be wanted and loved from their conception until forever.

But, just because I'm for abortion means that I could state my case however I want to and still be wrong.  It's not my fault she can't have her own children and adoption is her only way of becoming a parent.  I think what she's really thinking is "the more unwanted kids there are, the better the chances are for me to be a mom."  And to me that is a selfish way to think.  I could be wrong, of course I don't know for sure EXACTLY what she's thinking, that's just the feeling I get.  I wrote that I thought the movie was stupid and I hate it and she thought I was joking.  WTF!  And she was shocked to learn that I was actually upset!  Maybe she needs to work on herself before raising a child.  The fact that she actually wanted me to watch this and was shocked that I was so upset shows how little she knows me.  I will continue to be friends with her, but I'm done with trying to discuss anything serious again. I really don't want to cut her out of my life.  But I can't try and talk things out with her if she isn't going to listen.  Listening to someone doesn't mean trying to change their minds.  It means you understand their perspective and respect their feelings. The thing I love about you is that yes our views on certain things (like abortion) are different.  But you don't make me feel like shit for feeling the way I do.  And in turn I respect your feelings.  Because in the end we both know it doesn't matter who is right or wrong, we listen to what each other is saying and, what now?  Respect each other's feelings!  There are just too many answers to deem abortion absolutely right or absolutely wrong.  Because I don't think it's that straightforward.  Nothing ever is.

Ugh!  So. I figured out something today.  My ex is creepier than I thought.  It turns out that he subscribed to this girl Stephanie Martin that I knew back in high school but wasn't really friends with until college.  We lost touch and I recently friended her and soon after, I noticed that "James Irons" was subscribing to my public fb statuses.  This is how I am "so sure" this is him:
1) his whole persona is about having big feet
2) he has 9 friends, all of them women.
3) he has an ex named Cinnamon (her actual name), who happened to be one of his 9 friends.
4) his profile picture is disgusting (or at least in bad taste).
I have known this man since 2002 (as long as I've known you, scary).
I know all of his tricks.  I could deal with it if it was just me but to bring my friends into his sick little game?  Fuuuuuuck that shit!  I asked Kendra how she knew Mike and she said she didn't, he just added her to his friends list and liked her page.  She asked why and I told her and she was like, "omg, ew!"  and she took him off her lists and blocked him.  At least when I was trying to be friends with Lisa's kids I just wanted them to know that I was still here and I really hope that they would want to still be friends but the only one who DOES give a shit is Nichole, Rita's kid.  We have actually talked and we are cool with each other.  But after Heather wrote me this note calling me "creepy," it really hurt me but I finally let her go.  I guess when someone breaks up with your uncle and still tries to be friends with you, it is creepy.  We did have a conversation once when she was 13.  But her mom made sure that didn't happen again.  Maybe if she hadn't been such a huge bitch, we would still be friends.  But no.  I have to let all of those kids go and it fucking kills me but that's life.  If I were in that situation, I would not keep my kids from someone I was close to if I felt like they were a positive influence.  There was just so much drama maybe it was better that ties were cut.  I have kids in my life who do love me and who are great young people who I love so much.  And I have lots of people who do love me and don't think I'm creepy at all.  So HA!

Oooh.. I have to tell you something, but I'm writing it in here instead of telling you in text (or anyone).  I was invited to go to this presentation on dyslexia.  By Terri Barth.  That's right.  Terri invited me somewhere.  And you best believe I am going.  I have no idea why she would invite me to something like that, I'm not a teacher or anything.  But you best believe I am going to go and see her and maybe even have a conversation?  I dunno.  Maybe it's her way of reaching out or maybe because it's in Elgin.  I'm gonna go and see what happens.

UGH MY HAND IS HURTING!

<3!
Me

12:40am
11/11/11!