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I know I have stuff to tell you, I just can’t really recall what! Lol. This is the problem with not writing EVERY DAY! I’ve been up since 4am and i didn’t get very good sleep. I’m watching Daniel’s son Randy. I don’t mind watching him for free, it just irks me that Dan only calls when he wants me to babysit. But oh well. So, Randy has been here since 4am and he’ll be here till 2pm roughly. It’s 10:30. Oh well only 3 ½ hours to go! Not bad. I put the tv on around 6am for Randy and then I slept more. I had this crazy dream that Randy was in the car (it was a silver jeep looking van type car) and he forgot to put it in park so it was going backwards. He fixed it and came inside, I fell asleep and woke up suddenly because of the car. Sure enough, it was all over the neighborhood crashing into stuff. I chased it, but suddenly it was in my neighbors’ driveway and he’d shut it off and put it in park. That’s when I woke up, lol. My dad made Randy an egg with ham but he wouldn’t eat it. So, he’s still awake watching tv; surprisingly. I figured he’d pass out by now--but nope. (sorry for the pen color change. I don’t know why it stops--it has a lot of ink still. Just needs a break I guess). Well, the glue wouldn’t come out so I had to cut a new hole, but it was too big so glue goes EVERYWHERE. It’s a huge pain in the butt! Ugh, I just got so sleepy again all of a sudden but I wanna write until it’s almost time for the soap opera. Hopefully Randy will watch his portable DVD player or be asleep so I can watch Days. So, Tuesday I went to the doctor. I saw Dr Kelso again. She’s the lady who removed my finger nail last year. Anyway, she told me that my arms hurting and swelling and my body hurting the way it does was an indication of my organs shutting down on me and that I was very lucky I came when I did because I could’ve slipped into a coma and died. I never knew that could happen because no one ever told me I could die from it… it scared the shit out of me though. I feel like that’s the closest I ever got to death (besides trying to kill myself). And I don’t ever want to go through that again. So, Dr Kelso made sure I only take brand name thyroid medication because for me she says it’s medically necessary. It’s more expensive but it’s all I can take. She says I should feel normal again within 2-3 months and maintain a healthy weight if I’m taking it stably. So I hope my death scare causes me to remember! I just want to be thankful for every day I have now. It means a lot to me to know that I am very much clearly here for a reason so I just have to be patient and have faith, you know? *sigh* I have to go back in January for another TSH (The thyroid blood test). So let’s hope I have a job to pay for it. I think she also wants to do a bcb, and a complete metabolic screening but that’s $100 extra. They called me yesterday and asked how I was feeling. I told them I felt awful and they said that was normal. My reading was 121.29 which is so high that it means I was doing very poorly. Never again! I promise, promise, promise. For realsies, scout’s honor, promise. Alright, I have more to tell you but it’s 1pm and Days is on then I’m going to the mall with Daniel. Okay, back long enough to tell you everything else going on. Maybe. So we went to Major’s on Tuesday and Steve met up with us. He said he was going to bring Ryan but he wouldn’t answer his phone (sounds familiar). I asked to see Ryan’s # cuz I had one on my phone I’d texted and called once to see who it was. It was Ryan, his phone IS back on and I text him again to say “oh now I know who it is and I’m gonna beat you for not answering. >:(.” Still no answer. I’m contemplating sending a “bye Ryan” text but I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I mean, a lot of is me wanting any reaction and knowing I probably won’t get one, and if I do, will I just give in? So I don’t know but UGH SO TEMPTED!!!! Anyway Steve kept trying to get me or Erica to sleep with him and we kept saying no. Eventually, he just left without even saying goodbye. I don’t know if he’s pissed or what, but whatever. Men are impossible. I sang “Wanna Love You Forever” and only got halfway through it before I told Paul I couldn’t do it. I’m so critical to myself. I also sang Finally and Clumsy by Fergie which was ok. and “My Immortal” again. Went better now that I take Tom’s advice to RELAX, sing from my diaphragm and go powerful at the END. Um Ryan answered me. I sent the text and wtf. Weird ass bastard. Ugh, Rita. He’s like, where are you going? I said nowhere he was like ok? I said just saying goodbye is all and he goes “ok. I get it.” So I said “yea :(“ And he says “Are you drunk?” I was like, “No. I don’t drink anymore.” And that little jerk! he says, “alright then you’re just having a moment.” He knows I can’t let go, and he just expects me to stick around I guess. So Rick was right, you were right. I said, “No, I just know you don’t seem to care if you’re friends with me or not so I let you go man. I don’t like it. I don’t want to but I see things a lot differently.” Then he says, “What are you talking about? Who are you with?” And I said “Just me, why?” He goes: “Stop! I do care, we will talk again.” I said, “What? I don’t think you understand Idk how to explain.” He say, “I understand perfectly.” And the last thing I said was “hm :/” Ugh. I’m going to read for a while in the bathtub and then go to sleep. It’s only like 11pm but oh well. I had more to tell you but it will have to wait for tomorrow. I’ll write more about all this Ryan junk tomorrow.
<3,
me
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