April 13th, 2012

April 13th, 2012
8:13pm

Hey Chels,
How are you?  I'm doing okay even though I had kind of a crazy day.  My massage with Jim didn't go over so well.  He was trying to get up on the table and his legs locked up and he fell down.  He was pretty embarrassed about it.  His mother had to call 911 to get people to help him back up.  His family is trying to get him into this facility designated especially for people his age with disabilities but he doesn't want to go.  But today was a prime example of why he can't live with his parents anymore.  He needs to be in a place that is equipped with things to keep him mobile and his parents are unwilling to put anything in the house that would help.  And it's not that far away from his kids.  Everyone could change their schedules a little bit to help out.  But I get it.  He doesn't want anything to change.

Also, I had a strange dream about Larry today.  I dreamed that he had a girlfriend, but I didn't know about it until he was texting me and mentioning something he and his girlfriend were into.  At first I was mad and thought about yelling at him but decided against it and just started asking him questions.  All the while I was with a group and we were packing up to go somewhere but I was distracted because I was trying to talk to him but the letters weren't spelling the words I wanted to say and my group ended up leaving me behind.  All in all... kind of a sad dream.  I think a part of me is worried of a possibility that he could find someone else in the time it takes me to heal from all of this.  From what already happened between us though, it didn't seem like he was interested in anyone else and so far I haven't heard anything.  I think if we don't end up together it would be because he found someone else, not me.  Because I still want to hold out for the sweetest boy I've ever known.  It's not really because of me that we're not together now but if he's willing to wait for me, I can at least try again when I'm ready.
I'm not just interested in him as a boyfriend though.  I know that if I needed anything he'd be there for me in a second.  He is just a really sweet person and always someone I have been able to talk to.  Plus, back in the day, if he said something that could get me to laugh he'd say it over and over again.  He's always shown me that side to him that he never really showed anyone because he was always more comfortable around me than most anyone else.  I never remembered him as shy or quiet, he was always the guy with crazy stories to tell and relentlessly flirting with me (lol).  I'm guessing he still feels that way but it's hard to show that much of yourself when the other person is going through something rough and needs to be left alone for a while.  I also think it's hard to be around someone when all you want to do is touch that person and hold their hand or whatever. I'm not 100% sure but I think we could have a bit of that situation going on here.  At least, that's what I've been telling myself.  I know for a fact that if I hadn't of gone through what I just went through then if I wanted to date someone else I would be able to just go for it.  But I have to admit that even when we were talking ALL the time, everything that came out of his mouth was about sex and that's not really getting to know me, either.  But it got me through the first 6 weeks of the firey hell that I was in because it gave me something else to focus on.  But the main part of healing is an inside job.  I have to be 100% okay before moving onto something new.  I already knew that it wouldn't be fair to him to let him have one part of me but not all of me.  I just hope that when I'm ready for that again, it'll still be something that he wants.  And if it isn't then I hope he will at least be honest with me.

I'm feeling a lot better about leaving him alone, though.  I know he has to be thinking about me sometimes.  I'm most likely the last person he kissed and a lot more. So in the back of his mind he has to be thinking of that.

I'm gonna go back to my movie.  ugh I wish my computer worked!

<3,
me

9:02pm