September 29th, 2012

September 29th, 2012
 12:57am

Hey Chels,
 You want to know something kind of funny? I always end up writing at this time of night and sometimes when I'm talking about the day I had I'll say "today" even though that's wrong because today started almost an hour ago. And sometimes I get confused because I say "tomorrow" when talking about the next time I wake up, which is almost always the same day as my entries. Ahh.. Technicalities. Gotta love 'em.

So, I did not sleep very well last night. I kept thinking about Larry. Not like I usually do (or have done in the past), but just about all the things I always say I'm going to say to him and then never do. I just didn't want to get into it with him the other night. I was just proud of how I could disengage way more than I could before. Before, if he didn't respond or didn't respond in a way I wanted him to, I would get my feelings hurt. But this time I was just really tired and wanted to go to sleep, and I didn't text him at all today. Thing is, it got to the point where he would say that he always liked to hear from me, but most of the time that I would text him or try and talk with him on Facebook, he would either ignore me completely or give me one word answers. And after a while, I got sick of it. I would always get excited when he showed me attention but it was always short lived. So, looks like he turned out to be a dud too. I really did like him enough to wait and see what would happen if we were to get together but he just never made the effort to let me know either way what he was feeling at all so by the time I met James and my friend Mark was asking me out, that was kind of it for me. He said he didn't want me to miss out on something great because of him. So he doesn't get to come back into my life as anything more than just a friend and if he can't handle that then too bad. And honestly, I never even thought about us together until he started mentioning he was interested in me. But he has to live with the fact that he hurt me more by not being a real friend to me than by not being boyfriend material.  I will ask him why he chose to do that to someone like me who never did anything to him to warrant that behavior. I just hope he can give me a real answer. No matter what he says though, it's not going to change my mind about how I feel about James. In a way I feel like I'm writing about it like James is a consolation prize or something and that Larry was just a rebound because I just got out of that horrible relationship. I know you don't think of me like that but sometimes I feel like that's how I think of me. My decision to sleep with Larry wasn't based on the fact that I had any romantic feelings for him (at least beforehand or at the time). But he was adamant in showing me that he liked me and wouldn't leave me alone for a while. Factor in that plus the fact that we have always been friends since we met, I felt like if I was going to sleep with anyone, it would be someone I knew wouldn't hurt me or make me feel badly about myself. I was still pretty messed up over my ex though and I think he took it upon himself to cheer me up. Honestly though, I'm not sure how it would have worked out for us, I mean I had to be alone to deal with my feelings. Bringing Larry into anything negative was the last thing I wanted. It was nice to feel like someone wanted me when I had been without that for so long and after a while I could really see us together one day, but I knew I still had a long way to go and maybe he knew that, too. That's why I really don't think he slept with me with the intention of hurting me. I think he really did like me but realized the timing might have been waaaaay off and instead of just being honest about it, he didn't want to be cut off from me sexually. Honestly though, as much as I love him as a friend, I think that the friends with benefits thing was all I could handle at the time. Although he was concerned about being the only guy I was sleeping with... Not sure why that was a big deal if all he wanted out of me was sex. And see that's what I mean. I just wanted someone who could be there for the times I actually needed someone and all he was concerned about was being the only guy I was sleeping with even though he'd have sex with me and then leave me alone for weeks at a time. That's the part that makes no sense to me.

But when I made that okcupid.com profile, I wasn't really sure what I was looking for. Mainly I was sick and tired of my guy friends. They were all pissing me off by just being them so I decided that I would try and meet some new guys and see if any of them would end up being friends. And then one of them found me. And his name was James. He was really funny and he liked reading books and watching Supernatural and he wasn't annoying about calling or meeting right away and honestly he was the best one that I could have found. And I still think that. We have our times when we're all over each other and then other times when we're all sweet and cute and that's really all I need. If our relationship was built on sex alone, I think it would dwindle down after a while. But when we hang out and something is preventing us from being physical (his kid, being sore, being out in public), we can still tolerate each other. I'm pretty sure we're a million years from moving in or getting married or whatever, but I'm really happy with him. And all my other guy friends (who I've learned are pretty much all in love with me or are at least willing to sleep with me) are missing out. I was ready to punch Geoff on Sunday. He asked me to a movie and then it's 5pm and he hasn't texted me asking when we're going to the movie, in fact he tells me that he just had "a late lunch" so I have to wait till after the movie to eat. Then he proceeds to be 20 minutes late in picking me up so we make it just in time, then he makes sure to tell the lady at the restaurant to split the check which he has never done before. I mean, I'm not gonna complain about paying for my own meal but the whole thing just pissed me off. If my friends can't act right and stop being jerks then I'm gonna have to just stop dealing with them altogether. I decided to like someone that isn't them, get over it. No matter who I chose I would have been hurting somebody. So... For once I just wanted someone that I liked.

So... I've decided tomorrow is cleaning day. I am going to organize my whole entire room and finally get rid of stuff I don't need and vacuum in places that I haven't been able to vacuum in in ages. It should take me the whole day but I'm pretty excited about it. One thing James has done for me is inspire me to keep my room clean. Granted, he gets a whole basement for all his extra stuff, but still. I'm not only dusting and vacuuming, I'm going through my old stuff and am going to donate what I don't use to Goodwill. I really need to organize my clothes and clean out my dresser drawers so maybe I can start with that. I'm just so excited to make this room better. And plus, I don't want James to see my room for the first time and complain that I'm a slob. I don't think he would but there are so many corners of my room that I haven't been able to touch that the thought of someone coming in here and seeing dust in corners makes me kind of ashamed that I'm a grown woman and my room is still a mess.

I will let you know how it goes though, I might have different plans altogether and might wait till I'm really bored and snowed in before actually cleaning this place up (lol).

Goodnight!

Love,
 Rita

1:46am
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Isabella Marie Swan Cullen
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Name: Isabella Marie Swan cullen; preferred name: Bella
date of birth: september 13, 1987
date of transformation: september 11, 2006, at age 18
source of transformation: edward cullen
place of origin: forks, washington
hair color: brown
eye color: brown (human); red (newborn vampire), which will change to gold/black
height: 5'4"
physical description: bella's dark brown hair is long, thick, and straight.  she has a wide forehead with a widow's peak, and a narrow jaw with a pointed chin.  her eyes are large and widely spaced, her cheekbones prominent, her nose thin.  her lips are out of proportion, a bit too full for her slim jawline.  her eyebrows are darker than her hair and are straighter than they are arched.  she's slender but not muscular.  as a human, bella was very fair-skinned, with chocolate-brown eyes.  as a vampire, she is even paler, and her eyes are bright red.  they will change to gold/black as her human blood leaves her system.  bella's features were heightened and perfected by her transformation.
special abilities: her mind is impenetrable; no one can read her thoughts unless she allows it.  she can shield herself from all types of physical attacks and learns to shield those around her.
education/occupation: she is a graduate of forks high school.  as a human, she held a part-time job at Newton's Olympic Outfitters.
hobbies: bella enjoys reading, especially the classics, and listening to music.
vehicles: red 1953 chevy pickup truck, a 1960s honda motorcycle, a 2006 mercedes guardian, a red ferrari F430
family/coven relationships: she is married to edward cullen, and renesmee cullen is her daughter.  her father is charlie swan.  her mother, renee, is married to phil dwyer, bella's stepfather.  bella views carlisle and esme cullen as her father-and-mother-in-law, and alice cullen, rosalie hale, emmett cullen, and jasper hale and her sisters- and brothers-in-law.

personal history:
isabella "bella" swan was born in forks, washington.  her parents, renee and charlie, divorced when she was still a baby.  bella lived with her mother, growing up mainly in riverside, california, and phoenix, arizona.  up until 2002, bella visted her father in forks for a month every summer.  the climate in forks was unpleasant to bella, though, and when she was old enough, she insisted that charlie meet her in california for a few weeks in the summer instead.
bella didn't fit in with her peers in california or arizona.  she had the feeling of being a little out of sync with everyone--even the person she was closest to, her mother.  renee was a very extroverted, impractical, and absentminded mother who liked to dabble in a multitude of hobbies; from necessity, bella turned out quite the opposite.  at an early age she took over most of the household responsibilities.  when not being the adult, she preferred quiet pastimes like reading, in part because she was extraordinarily clumsy.  her naturally responsible nature carried over into her schoolwork, where bella usually recieved A's.  her plan for the future was to get a degree in education and teach, like her mother. however, she intended to teach at the high school level.
when renee fell in love with and married minor-league baseball player phil dwyer, bella chose to move in with her father in Forks so renee could go on the road with her new husband during baseball season.  bella arrived in Forks in january 2005 to finish high school in the town where she was born.  on her first day at Forks High school, she met edward cullen.