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Good afternoon, “Rita Bo Peep” lmao. I almost said Beep instead of Peep lmao and Rita bo Bita it's getting cray cray up in here! Well, things are a little better after weeks of rocky shit but I’m not holding my breath. The good news is I have glasses (well I’m just waiting to pick them up) and the bad news is I have to come up with $ for that eye test I wrote about, and a Dr/thyroid meds. Ugh. 16 days until Brian and I make our one year. If we get there. I hope our fights will cease. I mean we will have fights of course but damn they are getting frequent. I know it’s just everything pressing down on us stress and whatnot but if he expects me to make changes he has to make them too. Ugh.
So wanna hear something very interesting? My friend Danielle texted me in the midst of my fight with Brian Wednesday night and this is our conversation:
Danielle: Can you please get ahold of Ryan ASAP? Sara sue is tellin people they’re together.
Me: her and Ryan Mac? Lol he wouldn’t even date me, he’s not gonna date her. He doesn’t want to be with anyone. Tell her quit runnin’ her damn mouth, Ryan will be pissed.
Danielle: I know
Me: smdh where are you guys?
Danielle: Fosters Too
me: ooh I wonder how she came up with this new idea.
Danielle: she spent the weekend at his house.
me: what exactly is she saying, how do you know she means Ryan Mac? Oooh. He probably slept with her then.
Danielle: lmao.
me: well if he was stupid enough to do that, then he deserves this shit lmao.
Danielle: lmao
me: let him have her, I don’t care! love you!
Danielle: love you too.
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I don’t know how much I’ve actually said to you about Sara Sue. She’s out of her fucking mind crazy. You never know if she’s lying or not either. She supposedly has 3 or 4 kids that she lost (she told me someone reported her choking her baby, and so they just went ahead and snatched her kids. I was like, did they investigate? She said no. so--yea. Sorry. They’d have at least interviewed her first and investigated a bit. Honestly, who knows). She goes from man to man like water, she’s obnoxious and crazy and smells bad. Men pick her up and take her home and she lives there until they see how nuts she is. When she was with Justin, she supposedly got pregnant but it turned out to be a hysterical pregnancy and then weeks later she randomly started crying over her “miscarriage.” Sooo yea. Back when I first liked Ryan Mac and actually liked Sara Sue, she got right in the middle of that. Oh yea. Took him aside to get all the scoop on his feelings for me and made sure I knew what he said. So if she and Ryan have something going on, more power to them. Maybe they deserve each other. I’m not lying when I say I don’t give a fuck. In a way, I wouldn’t mind saying to Ryan “WTF are you thinking, dumbass?” But…
1) if I do, everyone will just think I’m jealous. I’m not but it’s comical
2) Since Sara is probably doing it to get to me, I don’t want to give her that satisfaction.
3) I kinda feel like… bad for Kristin, Brian and Vicki lmao.
Oh well! But yea, I’m not going to Skeeters while Sara is inserting herself in Ryan’s life. Not because it bugs me--although it is gross. IJS. Lmao. But mainly cuz I just don’t need to see it, or deal with her when I got other shit going on in my life! Oh, and she sings like a cat is being raped then tries to tell me what *I* did wrong when I sang. She thinks she can help me get somewhere with my singing. Yeaaaaa ok. If I’m gonna get there, I’ll get there by my damn self and God! By the way, Brian and I may have our issues, but I’m still with him, it’s been almost a year and so why do I care who Ryan Mac is with? Oh right--I don’t. That’s as much thought as I’m willing to give it anymore.
*shaking my damn head*
Man, I hate when there’s a song in my head I want to learn and then I can’t remember what it is. Grrrr.
I just want to get to page 60 and then go read in a hot bubble bath! Then lay down and wait for my man. I have no idea what to write about.
I just remembered the song! OMG LMAO. Taking Chances by Celine Dion. I like the Glee version better but it’s a great song. You know Idk why my HP has a Netflix app on Windows 8 if it doesn’t support it. Grrrr. Anyway, lyrics to Taking Chances on the next page.
{lyrics}
Yea, I like the Glee version way better. The reason I brought Netflix up is ‘cause I want to watch Glee! Idk why I can watch stuff online but not on TV. I think it’s ‘cause I like seeing EVERY episode at my leisure. You know?
I’m sorry so much of this nb revolves around music. I’m obsessed with singing now even more! Lol. I “took a week off” but not really I guess. haha. I kinda just want new shit. Ya know so yea if something catches my eye I share with you. Ugh my list may change. I’m not sure. But we’ll see.
So, I’m at my dad’s house still. It’s nice to be on my own. Rory came home. I guess he thinks we can just go on like nothing ever happened. Um, fuck you. I’ll be civil but I’m done. I’ve still disowned him. I’m still angry that my father won’t enforce him leaving. I told him Saturday not to bitch to me at all anymore because he could just kick him out. Now he says good things about the piece of shit. I should have said “don’t talk to me at all about him.” I feel like I am never going to be at peace with them when it comes to Rory. I try to but they they just keep enabling him to be the way he is and it brings it all back fresh and new. I don’t want to be angry with them like this forever but I wish they’d stop adding salt to to the wound.
I feel like I can’t trust anything around me anymore. I’m not sure of anything, I question everything, including Brian. I feel like I am spinning out of control. It’s such a bad feeling that I’m not comfortable with. I feel like I just don’t belong anywhere. I’m worried about everything all the time. Work, food, medicine, health, everything. I wish things would start looking up.
Ok, enough depressing thoughts for now. I feel like I can’t even focus on anything enough. I’m all over the place.
So! Brody wants a pug but pugs shed a lot so Brian would be sick all the time. So I did some research and we figured out that a boston terrier would be a great dog to have. Lol. So maybe one day I will find a boston terrier rescue… I wish Brian liked dogs more. Why can’t I find an animal lover DAMMIT? Lmao. Seriously though. I hope he’d never make me get rid of my dog (unless it was violent). I’ve had enough of that. I just want to keep my own dogs. I miss my Tucker, my Luke, my Tiki, my Kayla, etc. My dogs. I still kind of have Toby even if he is my dad’s. If I move to Indiana I won’t.
Ugh. It’s March and I’m still doing the “I’m going--no I’m not--yes I am going” dance (concerning Indiana). I wish I knew if I’d be happy or not with Brian there. I just don’t want to waste 7 years more of my life being unhappy.
I said enough depressing stuff--SORRY!
Alright. SO tomorrow:
--clean my room
--clean the floors
--figure outfit out
--read
--write at least 5-10 pages in here
--Brian’s mom’s party
--write your letter.
I’ll try to explain my fight with Brian in here. Thanks for being a good friend. I’m glad you always stick up for me. I want you to know that I don’t want you to hate Brian. Or think he’s bad. He’s a good guy, and I know he’s probably right about my “fits”. I try to control it but sometimes I do get carried away. Idk. Maybe he should video record me and vice versa. I am so quick to defend myself lmao.
Blah. I’m so frustrated. I love him, I just want us to be happy. I don’t think either of us are right now but I hope we make it. Ok, gonna go now.
Love Always,
Chels
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