1:17am
Hey Chels,
Phew what a day. I slept like shit because I was still so pissed over James and then I hung out with my friend, Mark who asked me out again. Ugh. First off... With James.. This is so stupid. He basically said that he thought I was joking. So yeah that whole thing pisses me off. Yet he can't understand why that would piss me off. I ask you to be my boyfriend and you turn me down and you can't understand why that would piss me off??? Ugh. I hope he never texts me again. Fuck him. And as for Mark, yes I like him. Do I like him like him? No. I feel like going on a real date would be leading him on. We can hang out as friends or whatever but that's all he's getting from me and if he can't accept that then oh well. And then there's Larry. I'm not sure when we will see each other again. But the next time we do see each other, I'm going to have to talk to him. I just feel like if we're going to be intimate, we both have to feel like it's headed somewhere besides just being friends. He knows how I feel about him and I will probably always have that soft spot in my heart for him but if we are just going to be friends I can't continue sleeping with him. Now, I'm not saying that the next time we sleep together he HAS to be my boyfriend. But I can't keep just sleeping with him and then nothing else. Either he's my friend or on the road to becoming more than that but we can't just be friends and have sex. I'm not okay with that. But... Hopefully I don't have to have that conversation yet. I don't want him to feel trapped or have him feel like he has to be my boyfriend just because he doesn't want to stop sleeping with me. I just think it's reasonable to put those feelings out there. Like, "just so you know, if we're going to be sleeping together, I would like to know that it's at least going somewhere besides just friendship. Cuz I'm okay with either but I can't just be friends with you and sleep with you." and if he can't respect how I feel then... Too bad for him.
I wrote you a letter tonight but I just wanted to say I am so so sorry to hear about you and Brian. I know the decision must have been hard but you know, you weren't happy for a while. On the surface things were great but there was a lot that was wrong and you couldn't take it anymore. You deserve happiness, Chels. You just need to believe it for yourself. You need to tell yourself everyday that you are worth the effort. I know it probably wasn't so much something that he did but it was a decision based on something you weren't happy with. I just wish I could be there for you. I'm glad Jess was.
So, tomorrow is going to be a very exciting day. I'm gonna wake up and dance, then I want to clean out my closet because I'm sick of not being able to use any of the cabinets due to the overflow of crap, I want to make a vlog for you and work on finishing up typing. I have 562 pages left and if I want to finish by Christmas I need to bust my ass. So I'm going to give myself the rest of this week to do nothing but that, then Monday start focusing on studying again. I know I'm not going to get 572 pages typed up in 5 days but it will put a huge dent in things if I could just start typing and really crack down until I feel like I've done enough.
With my closet, I'm sick of how everything is still a mess. I need to give some stuff away. I need to go through everything and keep what I want and let go of stuff I don't need anymore. On a side note, I might just utilize the space in my mom's closet or dad's to put stuff away that I'm not using so my closet will be cleaner, lol. I'm just sick of looking at it.
I also figured out what I'm going to do about all my notebooks. I'm going to go through all of the ones I have finished and then finish up the ones I still have to finish. Then I'm going to start typing them up so I can edit them the way I want and then scan the pages that have pictures or that I don't feel like typing out. Although... Those might not be so bad or I might not feel like I have to do those. Anyway, I'm going to find a space in my closet to put the actual notebooks and maybe even wrap them individually until I can find a box big enough to fit them. And then ours I will send you the originals. I think with the book that I made in your name, I am going to finish it out by putting your letters (that I've typed because the originals are staying in your box), pictures of our trip and poems in there to finish it out. I really can't think of a better way to wrap up that story than to put our pictures in plus poems. Maybe not even the letters. I have to go through it and organize everything but... I have to finish the book somehow. I think I'm going to copy my favorite pictures like I did with them for the other notebook, but I'm going to use the color printer. Might be more expensive but I don't care. I dunno. I'll figure it out. I really don't know what else I could use it for considering I made this journal and wrote out our story when i was pissed at you but by the time I had finished we were talking again. But I can't just leave the whole rest of the book blank. So... Maybe just using the pictures from the trip last year and adding poems you've written and putting in my own will help finish it out. For all I know, tomorrow can be an organizing notebook day and figuring out how many journals/notebooks I have and deciding what order they should go in and then finishing up/organizing the ones that still need to be finished. I think I could do that. It's just something I have to do for myself. I want to get this nb project underway and I want to feel like I can see where it's going and quite possibly cleaning out my closet will help me figure that out.
In any case, it is now 2am and I've blabbed about this for way too long now. So I will get some sleep and hopefully see what I'm up for doing tomorrow. I love you and I'm praying for you.
Love,
Rita
2:01am
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Marked
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So, I'm a little farther into this book. I didn't know what to think about it at first so I didn't give it much of a chance, but once you get past the set up it's really good. So, this girl has a full Mark on her head which apparently you're not supposed to get until after you fully complete the change. The school and the whole vampyre way of life revolves around this goddess named Nyx. And the Zoey caught this girl giving head to some guy but he was turning her down and locked eyes with Zoey. Apparently that girl is involved in some vampyre secret sorority and her name is Aphrodite. I want to get a little farther before explaining things again but so far I like what I'm reading. I can't wait to finish it.
November 6th, 2012
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I just finished this book and all I can say is wow. I wasn't sure about it at first but I ended up loving it. So this girl, Zoey, is supposed to be just a fledgling vampyre like everyone else but she is at high priestess status already. She found out that Aphrodite was using someone as a "refrigerator" for her rituals, meaning one of the other student's blood was used mixed in with the wine. Zoey craved the blood but it also made her sick to think that she would crave it. I don't want to give too much away but I thought it was crazy when I read something that reminded me of one of the stories I'm writing. Zoey's mentor, Neferet, had a mother who died and her father made her take her Mother's place. It wasn't long after that that she herself came to the school and lived through the Change.
So, Zoey does this purification ritual to clear herself and get some guidance as to what to do about aphrodite. She gets this strong intuition that she needed to go to Aphrodite's Samhain ritual so she did and her friends wanted to come with her but she wouldn't let them. So, she's at this gazebo and Aphrodite starts the ritual and does it wrong. So when Zoey's ex-boyfriend shows up, the ghosts start attacking him but Zoey takes over the circle and calls the corners and closes the circle so the ghosts have to go back where they came from. After she does that, she gets this tattoo thing around her eyes and all around her neck, shoulders and back. Aphrodite is pissed that it didn't happen to her and Zoey gets to become the new leader of the Dark Daughters.
Can't wait for the next one but I got a few more books to read first!
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