Hey Chels,
So, I came to a stunning conclusion about Larry. I don't think his intent was malicious, but I think he ended up taking advantage of me. I mean... In the beginning of this year, he and I talked right before I became single and then I was single but the breakup was (as you know) completely awful. Now, if he really meant what he said about being willing to wait for me, he should have insisted on waiting for me and wanting me to be better before starting anything. But he went right for it. I'm not going to blame him for everything because I had a part in it too, I could have said no I don't want to have sex at all until I feel more like myself, but I didn't. I just didn't think he would really do this. I mean there was a month where he was all over me, texting me and chatting me up and then when we finally do hang out he tells me he doesn't want to let me go and then the first time we have sex he asks me if he can keep me. And then after the second time, all that is over. I tried to justify it to myself over the months saying to myself that I'm not ready for a relationship so it's okay and blah blah blah but you know what... He saw an opportunity and he went for it. But as soon as he started getting some from me he held back all of those feelings and beautiful things he was saying before. I'm not sure if I want to even wait for that guy to show up again because you know, I gave him more than one chance to be that guy again and he never showed up. So... Unless he comes back swinging and has the guts to back it up, I think this chapter of my life is over. Maybe after I've already moved on I will be able to say this stuff to him. But now isn't the right time to tell him anything. But I'm not gonna keep throwing myself at someone who doesn't want me. For a whole month all he wanted was a picture or video of me and then I started sending them to him over the months and have gotten nothing back, not even an acknowledgement that he got it. Now, I can't fault him for being human and having the attention span of a fruit fly. But I can respectfully take myself out of the equation as a romantic interest and just go back to being his friend. And really... I still know deep down that he really is a moron for letting me get away. I think we could have been great together but for some reason he didn't want to find out. So... I guess now I start the process of getting over having feelings for him and just viewing him as a friend. Which basically means I'm gonna only talk to him about friend stuff and not let him flirt with me. Maybe if I stop the flirting he'll want me again lol. But like I said, I don't want any of that unless he's planning on doing something about it which it sounds like he's not. If it was some guy I had just met who did this to me I would be fucking furious and I would just cut him off completely. But since it's Larry... I dont think I could ever do that. Cut him off sexually fine. But to cut off his friendship would be cutting off a piece of my heart that's way too big. It would be like cutting off my head or something. Not like a pinky toe that I could just live without but something vital that I need to function. Despite his slight douchebaggery, I know in my heart that he does care about me and wants me in his life. But as boyfriend material... He'd have to work really hard at convincing me. Honestly, I really have no clue why he even opened that door if he wasn't prepared for the consequences. So now he faces the reality of someone else who gets to call me beautiful and be my man and be there for me and snuggle with me and who I give my heart to.
In all honesty though, I'm still giving myself till November at least before starting anything new. I mean... That should give me enough time to get over Larry (we didn't have that much anyway) and should give me enough time to decide if I want to move forward and meet someone off okcupid. Even this guy I am liking right now... If he can't wait until November to meet me for the first time then fine. I decided that's how long I'm waiting because it seems like a good number to decide anything. 3 months is a long enough period of time to decide if someone is trustworthy or if they will kill you in your sleep. So... Three months it is. And if he can't deal with it then oh well. Oh and guess who I heard from today... Steve!! Yeah... Apparently he was so upset at me because he had already bought his plane ticket and rented a car before I told him I didn't want him to come here. You know, I remember saying I liked the idea of him being here but I didn't know what my plans were yet and then I got invited to that party so I decided it would be better if he didn't come. But obviously if I had known he had already bought his ticket of course I wouldn't have told him not to come here. Sometimes I do NOT know what goes on in people's heads, with Larry AND steve. Ugh. But maybe that means that one day I'll get an explanation from Larry as well?? If I wait long enough? I don't even want him to say what I want him to say. I just want an honest conversation of why did you try and get me to start to fall for you just to leave me there by myself?? I'm not saying I did fall for him but I could see myself going there and I could see us being together and I guess he really did change his mind. But... More than anything... I just want to hear what he has to say about why he did what he did. I don't even think he was conscious of it. That's just my feeling. Sometimes people do things they don't understand. I just really hope I'm right.
I still need to write about the ren fair. But for now I'm gonna turn all my stuff off, get comfy, and watch some of my beloved Olga Kay until I fall asleep. And I'm praying I get more sleep than I've been getting!! Tomorrow I'm gonna catch up on some reading so... Yay :).
Love you!!
Me
11:47pm
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~song project~
Song #4: We Are Young by Fun
Give me a second I
I need to get my story straight
My friends are in the bathroom
getting higher than the empire state
my lover she is waiting for me
just across the bar
my seat's been taken by some sunglasses
askin' 'bout a scar
and I know I gave it to you months ago
I know you're trying to forget
but between the drinks and subtle things
the holes in my apologies
you know i'm trying hard to take it back.
so if by the time the bar closes
and you feel like falling down
I'll carry you home
Tonight
we are young
so let's set the world on fire
we can burn brighter
than the sun (repeat)
now I know that I'm not
all that you got
I guess that I
I just thought maybe we could find new ways to fall apart
but our friends are back
so let's raise a toast
cause i found someone to carry me home
tonight
we are young
so let's set the world on fire
we can burn brighter
than the sun (repeat)
carry me home tonight
just carry me home tonight
carry me home tonight
just carry me home tonight
the moon is on my side
i have no reason to run
so will someone come and carry me home
tonight
the angels never arrived
but i can hear the choir
so will someone come and carry me home
tonight
we are young
so let's set the world on fire
we can burn brighter
than the sun (repeat)
so if by the time the bar closes
and you feel like falling down
i'll carry you home tonight.
*I thought I could analyze this one like the other ones I've done, but I don't think of it as something I can do that way. So... I think this song was written as a bar song. It's about this guy who spends his time at bars and he's describing the scene as he sees it -- his friends are in the bathroom doing whatever while he sees this girl he's had relations with talking to some other guy and he knows she is talking about how he screwed things up. he's also hoping that by the time closing time comes around he will find someone to go home with, whether it be this girl or someone completely new. i think the song is ultimately about the comradery between bar friends, finding someone special to take you home and hoping to be that person for someone else.
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