1:27am
Hey Chels,
What up? I'm glad I got to talk to you for a little bit but I'm still really worried about you. I hope you get the care you need to get better.
Anyway, I have some news. I'm not sure how you're going to take it so I'm gonna write it in here before I decide to tell you. I saw Larry tonight. No, we did not have sex. We did make out for a bit, but my condition on seeing him was that we keep our clothes on and it actually happened. At first I didn't want to see him at all. But after a while I gave in. I really did miss him. I was nervous for a little bit but then it just felt like it always did. We did talk, too, about what happened. He said that the summer was bad because he was going from work to softball to camping and it was over 100 degrees out and apparently I wasn't the only person who felt like he disappeared. He did apologize for what had happened and he owned up to a lot of things.
Honestly, I'm not sure what I want right now. I don't want to be in a relationship if it's not the best thing for me. I still like my freedom and focusing on me. Plus I want to give myself some time to get over James. But on the other hand... Being with Larry tonight just felt so right. I could just stay in his arms all night. Which is nuts because I was just saying similar things about someone else. I didn't even bring James into the picture to get back at Larry. I really did like him. But things just didn't work out and I feel better equipped to deal with myself and my truth. I mean look. I had a problem with James and instead of shutting my mouth I said something about it. I cried all day Friday and now I am kinda done. I just sent his stuff over to him. I'm sure I will get a text about it later. I did write a note. It wasn't mean, it just said I was sorry things didn't work out and I hope he can find what he's looking for. I dunno, I just have no time for people who are supposedly honest and yet still confusing as shit to me. Maybe he is bipolar or something. I think we might have had that conversation but I don't remember. So, then when I told Geoff that I was single again he was trying to get me to sleep with him. His exact words were "we are great friends. Sex would make our friendship even better.". Look, I'm not that kind of woman. I can't just sleep with whatever penis happens to be next to me at the moment. I'm sorry I don't feel a connection but it's just not there. With Larry, it really is there. The earlier part of this year was difficult because we are really close and always have been but we both had our own stuff to deal with. Of course, you can't just disappear on a girl more than once and then expect her to still give you chances. Eventually she's going to move on, which is what I tried to do. I want to wait at least 1 month before I have sex again because I like that one rule, of giving yourself half of the time the relationship was and then moving on. I did do that with Barry, I gave myself 6 months and then decided to at least try. So that's what I did. And Larry didn't let me go because he didn't want to be with me anymore. He just didn't want to be the reason why I couldn't find anything better. But to be honest... He is someone I have a very deep connection with that goes beyond physical and it's always been that way. I'm not going to be all crazy about it like I was last time. I'm still going to put myself first. Because I owe it to myself to make my life better, not worse. But when I am with Larry again that way, I want enough time to go by that I don't feel like a huge slut lol. I mean, what kind of person would I be if I was certain I wanted to be with one person one week and then sleep with a totally different person like the week after? That's not right. So, I wanted it to be because we both want to and not just because it didnt work out with someone else and he was there. Which I will admit that is what it looks like but it's not what it really is. If he really wants to be with me though he will follow my lead and wait till I am ready. In fact, he better, lol.
Anyway, I'm outtie for now. I need to get some sleep. Hope you are feeling better!! Love you!
Love,
Me
2:03am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On The Radio lyrics
This is how it works
It feels a little worse
Than when we drove our hearse
Right through that screaming crowd
(i think this is a memory of something that actually happened, maybe her version of a tour bus or a prank.)
While laughing up a storm
Until we were just bone
Until it got so warm
That none of us could sleep
(you know when you start laughing and your whole body hurts and your cheeks get all red and buzzy and then you get really hot and uncomfortable because you've been using all your oxygen up to laugh instead of breathe? that's what i think this is pertaining to.)
And all the Styrofoam
Began to melt away
We tried to find some worms
To aid in the decay
(you know what's funny, whenever i think of worms i think of that worm in the bottom of the bottle of tequila. but i'm not sure that would make sense here.)
But none of them were home
Inside their catacomb
A million ancient bees
Began to sting our knees
While we were on our knees
Praying that disease
Would leave the ones we love
And never come again
(this is all the first verse and i'm not sure what all of it means. it just reminds me of a huge run-on sentence of something that happened to her, one memory burns into another memory and so on and so forth.)
On the radio
We heard, 'November Rain'
That solo's really long
But it's a pretty song
We listened to it twice
'Case the DJ was asleep
(hehe i love this part. i really want to believe that she was actually listening to the radio and this song came on and she heard it twice because the dj is asleep and not paying attention or in the bathroom or otherwise not paying attention to his job.)
This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
( i put this on my facebook from time to time. but it's so true. you love until you don't... these are just things that are true.)
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath
(that last line is the truest one of all. everyone must breathe until their dying breath. it just means that no matter what is going on in your life, if you're still breathing, it means you still have purpose here on this earth and everyone has to endure it until their life is finished.)
No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
(this is about love. you look inward to see what things you like about yourself and learn to love what you like about yourself.)
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
(and then when you find someone and try to make it work with that person, you get into their heart by showing them the things you love about yourself.)
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again
(this just means that even if it doesn't work out with someone, in time you'll get over it and do it all again because that's just a part of life. finding love over and over again and learning things about yourself along the way.)
And on the radio
You hear, 'November Rain'
That solo's awful long
But it's a good refrain
You listen to it twice
'Cause the DJ is asleep
On the radio, on the radio
On the radio, uh oh, on the radio, uh oh
On the radio, uh oh, on the radio
I picked this song mostly because i think it's sooooo cute :). if you have never heard it, please look it up on youtube. i love regina spektor! but also because it has a good message. even though sometimes things don't work out in your life doesn't mean you just give up. and then i'm sure the chorus is just about a song that was on the radio, maybe when she was having this memory?? i'm not sure. would be cool if i was right though lol.
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