12:34am
Hey Chels,
Well, this is it. This is the last day of me being in my 20s. My 20s are officially coming to an end. All I can say is... Wow. I met you right when I was turning 20 and the last 10 years have been crazy but I'm just so happy that you got to spend them with me. You've experienced all my crazy boyfriends, friend drama, family drama, big moves, deaths, births, roommate drama, beautiful life events, proud moments, embarrassing moments, life altering moments. I think what I'm going to do is think of a list of questions. Now... You're only supposed to fill this out when you turn 30 so if you get to this section of the nb before you do, just ignore it. Lol.
I have to think of the questions before I ask them, though so I'm gonna think of some good ones.
So, I heard from James today. This conversation started off okay but did not end well. He asked if I still hated him and I told him I didn't hate him. Then he talked about how he was an idiot and he screwed things up and blah blah (I deleted the conversation already). He told me he liked me and all of this stuff and after a while I guess he got sick of me being stubborn so he went in self defense mode again and said I just threw him away and wrote him off, blah blah. Ugh. You know what? I don't know where the block feature is on this phone but I'm going to have to use it on him. I mean, I would love to still be with him, if he didn't say what he said, or said it in a different way. He may not have meant it the way he said it but the message was pretty clear: we were not boyfriend and girlfriend, he didn't want to be, and I couldn't be serious about him. Or get, sorry. No matter the logic behind it in his reasoning, I still heard that he didn't want a commitment from me. Not until he figures his shit out. Well how long is that supposed to take? Ugh. Round and round the circle goes of nothing getting resolved cuz I don't want to let him back into my good graces. If at all. I'm not even sure why I'm still talking with him. Maybe mostly because we haven't known each other that long and I miss him as a friend or I'm just not ready to let him go all the way yet. But I don't fucking know. It's hard enough just texting with him. He wanted to talk to me on the phone but I shut him down and then he wanted to hang out and I shot that down, too. I can't just be okay with being just his friend a week after he crushes me. Jeez. But he doesn't care about my terms. He doesn't want to wait for me to figure MY shit out.
Ugh. I really am sorry that things worked out like this. But at this moment it's just too hard for me to go into friend mode. It's too awkward a position and I'm not going to put myself in that kind of position. Only a stupid idiot would say, "hey, I really liked this guy but he hurt my feelings and it's only been a week and I'm not that much over it to where I am okay to see him but it sounds like a great idea." ugh just fuck off then.
I don't want to have to keep explaining my reasoning. It took a lot on my part to even want to meet him in the first place. I don't even think he realizes just how horrible the first half of this year was. And I opened myself up to someone and we're getting along great and then bam. Rejection. I've been in too many relationships where stuff like this happens and yet I do nothing about it and just hope it will get better. But in this case, yeah I'm the bitch because I'm not gonna put up with it. While he had me yeah we got along but sometimes things just weren't right and we bumped heads. He knows he's never gonna find anybody else like me and yeah he's going to have to live with his mistake forever because I won't take him back. I'm sorry for that but I don't have months and months of my life to wait on someone. I have my own heart to consider and yeah I might be seen as selfish but I've spent way too long being more worried about someone else's feelings and getting shit on for it. So... If he wasn't smart enough to think about what he was saying before he said it the first time, I have no idea how things would be different the next time around. He needs to put on his big boy pants and just get over it. Because frankly... I'm better if I don't talk to him at all. Cuz when we do we just go around and around about who hurt who and who got hurt worse. At least when I messed up I felt bad and tried to make things right again. And things were getting better between us right before last week. He's not a bad guy and I wish we could just at least keep in touch, but I don't want to see him or hear his voice or anything too personal. He might like me or whatever but he sure as fuck doesn't understand a single thing about me. And he's trying to be mean when I tell him the truth of how he made me feel. I can't help if he thinks I think he's an asshole because of what happened. It was kind of an asshole move to basically tell someone she was just a friend, no boyfriend, no serious... All in one day. Who even said anything about getting serious in the first place?? Damn. I just wanted the freaking option. I didn't realize my feelings were contingent on YOUR feelings, excuse me. And apparently he missed having sex with me. Which is like, the most obvious statement ever. But I can't help that now can I?? Nope.
Speaking of which... I got to talk to Larry on fb chat a lot longer today than yesterday. And... We had some fun. That's all I'm gonna say regarding that subject, but yeah. It's not even like I'm in a hurry to be in a relationship again. But I do know at least with Larry if we were dating and onto our way to something my heart would be safe if I chose to give it to him. The only reason why Larry gets to stay when he fucked up a lot worse is because I've known him forever and he made amends with me and was sensitive to how I felt and we made up. Plus, no matter what happens with us, I know that I will probably never ever feel the way I feel about him with anyone else. Who even knows if it would work out romantically? He will always be a part of me.
Meh. I'm gonna watch some YouTube videos and then try and get some sleep. I hope I don't have another zombie dream!!
Love,
Me
1:27am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Love Me Just Leave Me Alone lyrics
I saw you standing there
You had gold dust in your pocket and
You combed barbed wire
Through your hair
(i have no idea what this means but i am picturing some sort of cowboy bar or something where this guy sort of caught her attention by being sparkly and looked like he had spikey hair.)
You thought I didn't notice
The skin on
Your teeth had a tear
(i'm not sure what skin on teeth is, maybe a metaphor for something but i think she's saying that he had some imperfections and he was hoping she would think his charm was impenetrable. it definitely got her to write a song about him, though.)
To make me notice
You started to shout
Then you and all your minions
Started flapping your
Tiny arms all about
(you know how some people are all quiet and let the game come to them? it sounds like he really wanted her to notice him so he and his boys started making trouble or caused a scene.)
They said
You were a wise man
When did they teach
A wise man to pout?
(in this part she's asking why he's being such a big baby if he's supposed to be a big man and all macho and whatnot. it's a good question, most "big man" acts are all out of fear anyhow.)
I tried to forget you
but you tied bells to your name
They jingled everytime i thought of you
without shame
(hehe i love this part. it's like everytime you try and forget someone that you like but can't have, it feels like you're exposing yourself to the world when you think of that person.)
I tried to be unlovable
Why couldn't you do the same?
(it's hard to be with someone when you don't want to open your heart up to that person, when it might just be a physical attraction. she fell for him, but it doesn't sound like he did the same.)
What's the matter?
Does your love need a home?
All right then, love me
Just leave me alone
(in this part she's frustrated. apparently his love needs a place to go but she's giving him a choice, either love her or leave her alone. my guess is he's a ladies' man who thinks with his penis rather than anything else so she's telling him she wants to be the only one or none at all.)
Your mother was a wolf bite
Your daddy was a cigarette
Your brother was a rose bud
Crossbreed with a car wreck
Your sister was a stockbroker
But you ain't nothing
But a turtleneck
(this is my favorite part of the song ever. I'm not sure what any of it means but wolf bites are gross and hard to look at and cigarettes smell bad. his brother was really sweet mixed with something tragic but people can't seem to look away. stockbrokers are tough bitches. but turtlenecks could either mean a penis of some sort or someone who hides in his little teeny shell everytime there's a problem.)
whats the matter?
Does your love need a home?
alright then!
love me just leave me alone.
I tried to be unlovable
Why couldn't you do the same?
What's the matter
Does your leave need a home?
All right then, love me
Just leave me alone
It's not your little boys smile
It's not your little boys name
It's those big boy hands
That are the ones to blame
(it's not his name or his smile that she can't get away from, it's his hands and their hold on her.)
Well, I tried to be unlovable
Why couldn't you do the same?
What's the matter?
Does your love need a home?
All right then, love me
Just leave me alone
What's the matter?
Does your love need a home
All right then, love me
Just leave me alone
Love me just leave me alone
Love me just leave me alone
Love me just leave me alone
I picked this song because it's my JAM! lol. i love jewel and i love her lyrics but mostly i love this one because it's like... you try not to like someone but you can't help it and then YOU end up hurt. but she gave him a choice, to either love her or leave her alone. I'd pick the second one, but that's just me. mostly because if someone is going to be that way and try to be all manly when they're really not then find someone else to try and pick up and leave me out of it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
YOU FOUND THIS FOR A REASON-ALL OF YOU WHO’S HERE
WRITTEN BY: MISSTILA - OCT• 25•12
Hello Dear ones,
I just want to say that I will be taking a few days off from blogging or posting anymore videos etc. It has been quite hectic and I have revealed way more and beyond what I anticipated. So with that, I shall let the dust settle for a little while with the hardcore information I have put out thus far. Like I said, I never anticipated nor planned on doing so, but divine intervention led my heart to do so.
Now this all comes back to YOU! what about it, you ask? Well, my point is, and has always been the fact that all I pretty much do is post blogs, upload videos, chat on my radio shows and that’s pretty much it. That is it. Nothing more, nothing less. I do not go around preaching to the world to force anyone to do anything. The fact that YOU, yourself, SOMEHOW, SOMEWAY, for whatever reason through your own divine intervention LED YOU TO ME. I DID NOT FORCE YOU TO COME HERE!
That would be impossible for me to do because:
1) I am not all over the media, magazine publications, worldwide news broadcasts, or all of those powerful tools used to coax the world into my messages. That is what deceivers and works of EVIL do. They force things upon you against your own will… causing you to somehow be brainwashed and believe what is happening due to all those messages being blasted upon your everyday lives, everywhere you go! (But there are LOTS of good put out as well, you just have to distinguish for yourselves)
2) I don’t do that (Forcing things down your face) As a matter of fact, I can’t. I’m being banned left and right. My blogs always being deleted. Blocked from posting anything on other websites. Blocked from commenting on other websites who try to post lies or misconstrue things I say, distorting my messages of Love. So again, I do not have that power to preach upon people and their beliefs or force you against your will via mainstream media etc. In fact, it is opposite. I am merely one tiny person.
3) This goes back to all of YOU! Again, YOU found ME, I didn’t go to YOU. I didn’t go knocking on everyone’s door all over the world and FORCE you to do anything. So again, whether you agree with me, disagree with me, believe me, or not. It doesn’t matter because it is YOU, YOURSELF THAT FOUND ME. So ask yourself, how did you get here? Why? What reason or purpose in your own life that led you here? That is not for me to know, only you.
4) Those who were led here somehow needed to know something, whatever that reason may be, I don’t know as that is your own personal life reasons that led you here. So there is no need for me to do anything further, as far as trying to “PROVE” anything because if I WAS WORKING WITH THE EVIL SIDE, I would not be banned from basically every major platform. So how is it that my messages are still getting out there? Because you, yourself found me, even while I am being silenced by “THE OTHERS” trying to prevent me from informing the world. Yet, somehow you found me on your own anyway. Laws of attraction.
5) That is all I wanted to point out since there is so much bickering amongst people back and fourth about non-sense that the information gets lost in translation. I just wanted to remind you of this, that you found me, I didn’t go to you! So that has to mean something, that is all. I merely post up a message and the rest does whatever it needs to do. I do not have the power of “MAINSTREAM MEDIA” that force people to find me. In fact, those who weren’t meant to find me are on another path doing something else right now. Leading them somewhere different. Never even realizing of my existence, nor do I go out of my way to FORCE them to find me. That would be impossible for a person to do. I am just a messenger. Don’t kill the messenger. If you don’t like something you don’t have to look at it or waste your time on it. I know I don’t.
7) I don’t preach to people, nor force anyone to change their beliefs. I merely just put out facts and information in the most point blank way the best that I can, without any other squabble in there. I am not perfect. How you interpret the information is your own choice. These are things that I don’t control nor do I want to.
6) You don’t have to believe a single word I say, just follow your heart and intuition, because THAT is honestly the only place of truth. Nothing can mess with the heart for it represents LOVE and NOTHING and NO ONE can be higher than the power of LOVE. That is all.
I wish you all nothing but the best and will always speak to you from my heart… no matter how much I get slandered for it, I shall continue to the best and most honest way I can. I didn’t ask to be here, but I guess everyone has a purpose in life. What you do with it, is your own choice. That is the beauty of it all.
God Bless!
Love Always and Forever,
Miss Tila
PS- Again with information I put out, for instance if you are awake you start to notice certain things. Signs and symbols everywhere. Nothing is ever a coincidence in life, it’s always got a purpose behind it. Divine intervention. For instance I woke up earlier this morning, and in my wall posting about God’s Message, I looked at the bottom and how Ironic that it happens to be “666? in there. Evils trying to do their work in combating. Creepy! But enough for now, too much dust in the air.
Just know that where there is good, there shall be Evil. There is opposite to everything in life. m Which side you’re on is your own choice. Oh yea, those little dots you see under the comments, are the comments being censored by “THEM” not me. That’s also not my doing. Again, just pointing out stuff and putting facts out there. Take it how you will. That is all.
PPS- I know I write A LOT, but I can’t help it. Just be glad you don’t talk to me in real life cuz I’ll yap your ears off. LOL my mind just never stops. If I really wanted to say what I wanted on here it would be 3 times as long because I LOVE to explain everything behind everything. I wish I knew how to stop that but I just can’t… sorry! LOL
I personally rather look at stuff like this, but that’s just my own choice:
(some planet pictures)
No comments:
Post a Comment