4:22pm
Hey Chels,
I am having a much better day today than yesterday. Although... some things could be different. Like... if I was really thinking, as in using my head, yesterday, I wouldn't have said what I said. I would have said it maybe the next time we hung out like asked him what he thought the word "girlfriend" meant, but I'm sure I was really coming off and insensitive and mean when I told him not to call me his girlfriend the day after we sleep together. Yep... I didn't mention this to you but we slept together already. I dunno... I just felt so safe and happy in his arms and he was kissing on me and it just felt right so I went with it. And then fucked things up the next day by asking him not to call me his girlfriend. Of course he'd get mad. But of course... I finally find a really good thing and then have to screw it up by fighting whatever I'm feeling instead of just going with it and seeing what happens. But in a way it's a good thing because I opened my mouth and now he's not going to call me his girlfriend until we decide to be official instead of just dating.
So today I talked to him about it and he said he was over it and I said okay. And then he asks, "so now what?" and I tell him that I'm still willing to see where this thing goes if you are," and he said, "that's fine." and I asked him if he still wanted to see a movie on Friday and he said, "I'm game." So... we'll see how that goes. Honestly, I do really like him but it was a lot of stuff happening between meeting him and everything else and I'm still being cautious because of what has happened to me before so... yeah I'm gonna be a little crazy at first. But I did tell him that I hope he will give me a chance to calm down.
The worst part was that I told my mom about it and now no matter what she's gonna not like this guy because of what he did to me. And I hate to explain to her that I overreacted and we're fine now. Cuz she's just gonna freak out about it like always. The funny thing is, he and I were both on the same page about dating each other. It was just the word "girlfriend" that tripped me up. Apparently to him he didn't know what else he could call me and that seemed to make the most sense as I am someone he's dating but to me it freaked me out because I felt he was trying to put a label on something that was just starting out. But... my gut is telling me to just hold on for a while and see where things go, get to know him better before deciding to be done with him already and he seems to be okay with going to see a movie with me on Friday so... maybe things will go better then?? Ugh. This dating stuff is tricky. He could tell me what kind of person he is until he's blue in the face but I still want to see for myself. But I did feel something for him in the first place to even get this far so... that has to mean something I think.
As for my buddy Kye, I sent that last text last night and he still hasn't said anything back to me. I feel like such a shitface for telling another guy about my problems with another guy. But the truth is we never talked about dating each other. Maybe he hinted at it but I didn't think of him that way. Maybe that was some kind of wakeup call for him or something... I don't know. I don't want to lose his friendship but I really don't see how it's any of his business what I'm ready for if we've only known each other for 2 weeks and we never talked about going on a date ourselves. And obviously I'm not ready to just jump right in and let someone call me their girlfriend. The guy has to just be patient with me and let me see for myself if it's going to work out and he has to want things to work out as well. Sheesh I'm not completely crazy because I KNOW that shit makes some kind of sense. I'm just tired of always being the bad guy because I don't want to date every single guy who asks me (or doesn't ask me). But I don't want to tell Mark that I'm not gonna date him until I see what is going to happen with this other guy because I don't just want to say that I'm not ready because obviously I'm ready for SOMETHING, but maybe if I'm starting to date someone else he'll see that he's not the one for me and leave it at that.
Honestly... I don't know what's going to happen. I know I asked to open my heart up to love again and it's nice to have all of these nice people in my life that I can trust and that I know would take care of me, but it's a really hard decision to say no to so many people and yes to one person that is still kind of a stranger. I know they're all going to be thinking, "what's so special about this guy?" And right now, I'm not sure what the answer is but obviously it's something if I like him enough to give it another shot.
Now... tomorrow should be interesting. I've managed to piss off Kye who will be at the tarot reading class and supposedly Monique is going to try and show up so.... that's just wonderful. 2 people who are pissed at me in the same group under the same roof. I am really not sure Monique will show up for class but you never know. It just seems crazy. Cuz at least what I did to Kye was an honest mistake, I just needed someone to talk to and he kind of turned things around on me because he liked me and the reality was that I didn't see him the same way, but this shit is crazy. But I'm still going to go and hopefully things will be okay. Ummm... these two people just walked into my side yard, I gotta see what's going on there. Brb. okay... that was weird. ugh stupid neighbors.
Love you,
Rita
4:51pm
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