August 31st, 2012

August 31st, 2012:
Hey Chels!
Ugh what a week. If I could compare last week to this week it would literally be like night and day. Last week I had people texting me wanting to meet me and hang out and this week I've managed to piss off both of them. First off, I can't believe how incredibly fucking stupid I was on Monday. Yes, James probably should have called me something other than "girlfriend.". But I should have opened my big fat mouth and said something when it first happened rather than wait until the day after and then bombard him with it. That was so mean of me. But then again... It's sort of both our faults. He could have said "sorry, I didn't know what else to call you" instead of getting really pissed off, but I also could have been a lot more sensitive and just not have said anything at all. Because in reality, it's not like he was hounding me to change my fb relationship status or anything. I just took what he said the wrong way and made him feel like crap for it. But I'm also guessing that this isn't the first time something like this has happened to him. I can see that he tends to say whatever pops into his head so to him girl friend might have been the best word he could think of. All I know is, I was freaking out because I've worked so hard at being independent that I've forgotten how to let anyone in. Especially after what happened with Barry and then with Larry who wasn't even my boyfriend, just came around whenever he wanted some.
But... James agreed to go on another date with me today to see a movie (I asked him to go with me last week to see this movie that comes out today but he wanted to meet me first, which is understandable) so hopefully we can make things right again. He said he's over it but I know that things won't really be okay until we see each other again and then decide where to go from there. I just want him to see me in person one more time and if he decides that I'm too much work after that then fine. I just really liked the feeling I got when I saw his picture and I thought we had a lot in common. And I will fully admit that this time it was me who fucked up. Because I couldn't just let myself be happy. And now all I want is to go back and not be such a complete moron. And I just want him to look at me and see that I'm sorry and hopefully think I'm worth all the trouble.
I mean, if he goes on this date with me and then tells me to fuck off and he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, then fine. I can live with that. I only met him this month so it's not like I have everything riding on this. But I'm hoping that I can just look him in the eyes and tell him I'm sorry for being a jackass and hopefully we can move forward from here. Because I do like him and I would really like the chance to just be able to hang out more and get to know him in person more before deciding if I want to head for the hills or not. Lol.

I know I'm not crazy. I do have my walls up because I still don't know him very well but I'm hoping that he will just be patient with me and let me get to know him. I know he keeps telling me that he's the same exact person on the phone as he is in person so it's not like I don't know him at all, but it's different when it's first happening as opposed to when things have already happened. I know I sound like a crazy person right now getting caught up in someone that I don't know very well. But he does put a smile on my face. So that is something.

So... As for Kye. I saw him Wednesday night for the tarot class and he was nice to me. He even sent me a text later saying our business wasn't finished and I said thank you for giving me another chance. And then he sends me a text in the morning asking me why his forgiveness is so important to me. Okay first of all, let me just say something here. I met him 2 weeks ago. Yeah I gave him my number but I thought we were going to just be friends. And I thought he was cool because he's the first guy I've really met who could actually talk about metaphysical stuff. Now... Yes I did tell him that I wasn't ready to date. And obviously, I'm still a little scared of it but I'm trying to get back out there. Now, I dunno what the fuck is gonna happen with this James guy. I could really like him and then it turns out he is... I dunno. But at that time I hadn't even met him so I didn't know there was anything to say. Now, Kye is acting like I downright lied to him. Which, you know what, if I just met you two weeks ago and we never talked about dating each other, then yeah, you're going to have to work a little bit harder to break that wall down. So in my eyes I didn't lie at all. But I'm a private person, also. I have to be. After everyone I've lost this year, opening up to new people can be scary. Hence why I freaked out over liking someone.

But damn, these people act like they have a right to know everything about me and then get mad if they don't. I will pick who I pick and just because you would like that person to be you, it doesn't mean that it's going to be.

I know I asked for this. I asked for my heart to heal so I could let love in and here are a bunch of guys that are supercool and not jerks at all and I'm going to have to hurt a few to make one of them happy (and myself, too).
But if they're really my friends then they will stand by me no matter what. I really dont want to hurt anyone but for right now I like this James guy and depending on how things go tomorrow, I am hoping that we can get past this and hang out more. But if not then I lived and learned, right?

My gut is telling me that things will be okay and I'm worrying a bit much. But if he says something about it I'm gonna say that he's the first guy I've liked in a long time and it freaks me out a little but it's not him, it's me. And hopefully he can be patient with me. And then flash him a cute smile so he forgets that he was ever mad at me. Lmao do you think that would really work?

Anyway, I'm gonna stop obsessing and try and get some rest. I will write more once I get back from the movie and I've had a chance to say my peace and see where things will go from there. But no matter what happens, I know I will be okay because I've made it this far on my own. I've done the hardest thing I could have ever done: I let someone (two someones now) go who was (were) very important to me and I'm keeping myself in mind and what I want. So... Yeah.

Love you,
Rita
1:25am

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~book review~
Dark visions: the strange power
So, I can't remember the last review that I wrote for this book, but things just got really interesting. They were going through the second day of training and Kaitlyn had this EEG machine put on her head to test her brain waves. She was supposed to draw a picture of what the volunteer girl was holding in her hand. She was almost concentrated enough when Joyce put this thing on her head, over her third eye, that made the pictures come all at once and she drew exactly what the girl had. She had such a rush that she got a huge headache and Rob took her upstairs to heal her and for the first time, saw her as an actual girl but then everyone else ruined it by coming in to check on her. Then Marisol wrote something on the bottom of the picture that she had drawn the first time, which was something strange coming out of her forehead which Joyce had explained was her third eye. Kaitlyn got all freaked out and she told Joyce about it but Joyce just played it off like it was no big deal but then the next morning something very bad happened to Marisol. It was like she was trying to warn Kaitlyn about the place but she wouldn't come right out and say what she meant and she was being such a bitch that she sort of sealed her own fate. So... In art class Kaitlyn drew another psychic picture and the kids found out that there was a door to some type of office that dr Z did not want them to find because he made sure they were never alone to be able to search. He had his dogs "keep watch" but Anna controlled them so kaitlyn and rob could go investigate. They managed to get stuck down there but then Gabriel got everyone in a mind lock to save Kaitlyn and Rob but now he has no idea how to undo it so for now everyone is way more in tune with each other than they want to be.

Wow so like... I guess for a whole week they were mind locked and the only way to get out of a stable mind lock is for one of the people to die. Apparently 5 is a stable group number. Anything below that is unstable, and probably how Gabriel killed his girlfriend. So... Kaitlyn looks out the window and sees Gabriel and DR z talking, which is very dangerous. She decided to eavesdrop and dr z was feeding Gabriel some shit about how he's a caged bird and blah blah whatever. Dr z wanted him to go with him to his house to talk about something but kaitlyn didn't want him going along so she came with him. Gabriel was pissed that she tagged along but I would have done the same thing because honestly who knows what would have happened. So, they get to the house and the dr starts explaining everything. Apparently there's this huge crystal which is alive somehow and helps enhance everyone's psychic power. Joyce was using that on her third eye, that's why her head hurt so badly when she was doing the test. So... The dr wanted them to keep marisol and her family quiet. She was suspicious of the place already because of what happened before those kids got there and she had to be "shut up". I'm still unclear as how he caused her to have a seizure, but whatever. So... By going to Joyce, who went to him, he did what he could. So... Kaitlyn freaked and told him he was evil and she got put in this cage and he told Gabriel to kill her but he wouldn't so he got strapped in a chair and the whole huge crystal was put on his third eye. Well, when that happened, the others were finally able to reach them and get to them. That's when I had to stop reading, lol. I knew that that dr z guy was up to something but it didn't help that marisol would say one thing one minute then act like she hadn't said anything at all the next minute. If she had been more consistent then maybe she wouldn't be in the position she is now. But I didn't write the book, lol.
Finished this book!! So, the kids can't stay at the Institute anymore because both of the people who were looking after them turned out to be evil. I'm kind of disappointed that Joyce was in on it, but oh well. So... Now they have to stick together and find out where they're going to stay and survive.

The Possessed
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So, I had to read this book for a while to get a sense of what it was about and what I could say about it. So... The kids have escaped the evil institute and kaitlyn wants to find this place she's been dreaming out and since the web, the others have been dreaming about also. They have a few clues to go on but not much. The first night of their escape they get pulled over on the highway and Gabriel almost kills the cop. They get away before anything happens, though, and get to this abandoned warehouse. Gabriel goes out into the night and feeds from this hooker lady. I guess the crystal in the first book broke the barrier for him to be a real life psychic vampire. Instead of taking blood he takes people's chi, or life force. Kaitlyn knows something is wrong but doesn't want to alarm the others so she decides to speak to Gabriel alone. They finally get out of California and find a place to sleep. Oh, I guess I should mention that they went to Marisol's family's house and her brother was there and gave them her van, some food, clothing, and camping supplies. So that's how they've been traveling. Anyway, she waits till everyone else is asleep and then tries to look for Gabriel outside of the van but he's not there so she goes looking for him and finds him sucking the life force out of some unsuspecting female. Kaitlyn freaks out but she stops it anyway by kissing him and giving him her life force. He doesn't kill her like he thought he would have, and they get back to the van before anyone notices they're gone.
There have been two instances where it's been really cold and the air changes and there's some sort of vision that happens, but it's not their normal way of having a vision. It's happened to two of them already.
Wow. Finished this book right now. So... There's a lot to process from this book. Let's see... They were driving in the van and kaitlyn suddenly had the urge to draw a picture. And what she drew a picture of was a goat. But not just any goat, some sick a deranged looking goat. They were in Washington and kaitlyn started driving again and of course it starts raining so she tries to play it cool like she could handle it and then she sees the goat in the middle of the road and she can't stop the brakes and they end up in a creek so they get out and this car pulls up (convenient, right?) and offers them a ride. They get in and go to anna's parent's house and in the morning kaitlyn draws a picture of Lydia, the new girl and finds out she is a spy who was sent to find them. She's also the daughter of the crazy guy at the institute.  But instead of doing what her dad wanted, she wanted to help them.
Oh, and one time when kaitlyn was helping Gabriel, rob caught them and thought something else was going on. But Lydia had been spying and heard everything they were saying and vouched for kaitlyn. That she was giving Gabriel her energy because she was strong enough not to die when he took it from her. But then she also saw that he had feelings for her. Well... She was already in love with Rob so she went to him and explained everything.
So... After a long and perilous journey, they finally find what they've been looking for. It turns out it's not a place that can actively save them, but can provide them refuge if they want it. They didn't want to fight the crazy mr z because that would mean letting him know where they were. But they wouldn't let Gabriel inside because he had taken a human life so he had to stay in the backhouse. He didn't like that too much so he went rogue and took Lydia with him. So now, in the last installment of this book, the final four are going to attempt to go back to the institute, fight mr z and destroy the evil crystal, and get Gabriel back.

I am kind of hoping that kaitlyn stays with rob. I dunno why she wouldn't, but there seemed to be a sort of attraction to Gabriel and I get it... The whole light and dark thing. But... I do predict that they will fight the evil guy and get Gabriel back and maybe he will finally not be so much of an asshole. And maybe rob and kaitlyn will do more than just kiss?? It is called "the passion", after all lol.

The Passion
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So, I am on chapter 8 and I'm really enjoying this book so far. Kaitlyn has slipped away from the others because she wants to get inside the institute so she can see what's going on and try to destroy the crystal. She sneaks out in the middle of the night and there's this creepy guy following her. She gets attacked when Gabriel hears her and rescues her. She needs him to believe that she wants to join the winning team so she fliers with him and it works. There is some chemistry there between them but kaitlyn knows her heart belongs with Rob. So anyway, the new psychics are all under the spell of the crystal. They get mad for things without really knowing why they're upset and it just seems like they're under a spell. Mr Z tried to get Kaitlyn to go into this machine that has you in complete seclusion to the outside world so enough time in there would make you go crazy, but thankfully she was saved. She and Gabriel were getting cozy but he tried to probe her mind and she didn't want to show him anything so he got pissed. Maybe it's better that way... To not play with his emotions anymore. She can care for two people at once, but she seems a lot happier with a guy who's not afraid to let her in. And who she can trust with her feelings also. She was just reunited with her friends at her school... They're going to check on her every day until she can formulate a plan. I just hope she can stay away from Gabriel... I don't like all the kissing, lol.