2:49pm
Hey Chels,
Well. What a day. I'm so freaking tired I decided to stay home today instead of driving an hour to north aurora and back. Especially since I don't want any caffeine. So, I've been thinking about what you said about writing Larry a letter to gather my thoughts and I thought I would start in here. I know you don't mind. So here goes nothing.
Dear Larry,
First of all, I'm thankful for the opportunity to get everything off my chest that I've wanted to say to you for a while now. I'm not sure what happened to make things suddenly okay again, but I want you to know that all I ever really wanted was for us to be friends. With that in mind, I have some things to say that are going to be kind of tough for me to say, thus the writing of this letter. I want to make sure that I'm clear in what needs to be said.
When I found you on Facebook after not talking to you since high school, I wasn't even sure you remembered me. Not only was that not true, you remembered the sweetest things about me and saw what most people refused to see. You knew me before I knew me. And that alone made me consider a relationship with you a possibility. Not at the time of course because I was with someone and then went through a horrible break up, but during the first month of that nightmare, you kept me going. You wouldn't leave me alone and you made me feel better when all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and just not get out. You kept me smiling during the worst possible time in my life. The worst part for me was I felt like I was dirty after finding all of those needles that my ex had been using. I felt like nobody would want me because of that. Even though we had been careful, it was still a huge shock to me that this person I gave my heart and body to would use needles and it just made me feel gross about myself. I didn't really think about having sex with anyone because I was too sad most of the time to even think about it. But with you I just felt like I could see everything that you were saying to me and promising me and even though I was going through this rough time, it was something that I still wanted. Although, I knew it would be a while before I was ready to be with someone again (relationship-wise). I just didn't want to deal with falling in love again or being hurt that badly. But I figured sex would be okay because I was unattached and I picked you because I could see something there. I never wanted you to feel like you were a rebound and looking back on things, even though I don't feel like what we did was a mistake because I wouldn't take it back, it kind of was that type of situation. I didn't think about it until after it happened, though.
Then the switch happened, doubt started creeping in. I wish that I could have been strong enough to say that I didn't want to have sex with you anymore because I didn't want you to feel like you were a rebound, but instead I worried too much about your feelings and forgot my own. And that allowed things to happen that really hurt me.
After a while it got weird because we would hook up and the days leading up to that you'd be that sweet guy again that you were in the beginning but then afterwards you would disappear. After a while I stopped caring if we talked every day because it would hurt me when you would just kind of blow me off. It was a hard lesson for me though because in the past I have ended up in relationships that I never meant to be in and that was another thing I didn't want to do to you.
It wasn't that I always had a thing for you in high school. I never really thought about it because I didn't think you would ever like me and you were either attached to someone at the campground or my friends lol. Which was fine with me because I always got to hear ur crazy stories which honestly was the best part of my day.
I'm sorry that you doubted anything between us. Whatever happened between us happened because we both wanted them to. But at the same time, I understand how you would feel. I just wish that we really could have gone back to being friends instead of sleeping together a few more times if there was still a doubt in your mind. That's the one thing I had a huge problem with. Because when I actually really needed you, you weren't there in the way that I needed you. After memorial day my dad was having seizures and it would have been really nice to get a hug from you because that was all I wanted. I didn't want anyone else to comfort me, I wanted you. And for me to actually want someone to comfort me in a situation like that is huge because by the time my dad was getting sick last year, my ex and I were barely speaking and I knew I wouldn't get any support from him. At that point though, I was torn because I knew that you're not a bad person who just doesn't care. I just couldn't understand how you could sleep with me and then not be there for me. And then I slept with you after that as well. So much time had gone by in-between those visits that every time I slept with you I felt more like myself. I felt like something must be going on inside that head of yours if you kept coming back and even the last time we had sex you were trying to see if you were the only one I was sleeping with. Of course you were, I didn't want anyone else. But then you disappeared again. And again, I was alone. I didn't mind being alone, it gave me time to heal my heart and get better. But then my other guy friends were chomping at the bit and one of them asked me out and I had to decide if I wanted to continue being in this cycle of whatever was going on with us or if I was ready to move on. And when you basically gave me your blessing to do so, I didn't feel bad that I had already found someone that I liked. I'm still not ready for a lot of things and I've even freaked out on him a couple times already because I am scared of repeating past mistakes, but it's more about me and less about him.
Anyway, that's pretty much all I have to say. I'm glad we can talk again but a part of me will always wonder about you. You have always had a special place in my heart and as long as you want to be there, you will be. I would say I'm sorry for things happening the way that they did but in the end, I'm kind of not. I just hope you will be able to find whatever it is that you're looking for. I would have waited for you if you wanted me to, I hope you know that.
Love always,
Rita
So..... What do you think?? Is it stupid? I think that's what I want to say. I really hope that I get to. Ugh I'm kind of nervous about it. And I still feel like I should tell James about it. I know he trusts me. Or at least I hope he does, lol.
Anyhow, I'm gonna pick out pictures to print out for the nb. They will be in black and white but you'll love them anyway :).
Love you!
Rbb
3:34pm
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~The Volturi Coven~
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The equivalent of royalty in the vampire world, the Volturi coven consists of five core members: Aro; Caius; Marcus; Aro's wife, Sulpicia; and Cauis's wife, Athenodora. Marcus's wife (and Aro's sister), Didyme, was also a member of the Volturi before she died.
The Volturi reside in their city -- Volterra, Italy -- which they have secretly controlled for three thousand years, since the time of the Etruscans. They prefer to stay indoors, out of sight of humans, using other vampires as subordinates to serve their coven. Occasionally, they also use human minions. Between 400 and 500 A.D., the Volturi launched an offensive against the most powerful coven in the world, the Romanians. Rather than simply attack the Romanians, the Volturi first cleverly demanded that the Romanians conform to laws that the Volturi claimed benefited all vampirekind. When the Romanians scornfully refused, the Volturi were able to categorize (and publicize) their strike as a move for the good of all vampires, rather than a standard territory dispute.
The main portion of the war lasted for nearly a century and --due to the fact that there are still two remaining survivors of the originaly Romanian coven -- was never officially concluded. In the end, the Volturi were able to defeat the Romanians because of Aro's intentional creation of talented vampires. The Romanians had created vampires for their empire with less foresight, and their physical skills were not a match in the long term for Aro's psychically gifted choices. Aro called his soldiers "the Volturi guard," making it clear that they were subservient to the actual coven of five.
After the Volturi had defeated the greater part of the Romanian coven, they began spreading their doctrine throughout the world. Their basic operating premise was that keeping the existence of vampires a secret was beneficial to all; anyone who would not keep this secret was an enemy to the vampire public.
While many vampires questioned the validity of this premise at the time (after all, what could a human do to a vampire, despite any knowledge that human might have), none of them wanted to take on the Volturi fresh off their victory over the Romanians. As time passed, more vampires were born into a world where the Volturi existed as benevolent governors, and slowly the Volturi became accepted by their own positive, self-created definition. Many of these new vampires were created by the Volturi themselves, indoctrinated, and then let loose into the world. This was the first incarnation of the Volturi's human recruitment program; they found humans who sought the power and immortality of vampire lore and introduced them into that world with a set of preconceived ideas about vampire society -- ideas that those new vampires eventually introduced to their own "offspring" and other covens they came in contact with. After the Volturi became an accepted force, they continued with the human recruitment on a smaller scale; they utilized humans hopeful of becoming vampires as servants in order to create a human facade for their ancestral home. The majority of these humans were eventually killed for their blood, and only those with potential for useful psychic talents were transformed.
As time passed, the Volturi became more and more powerful as Aro discovered more humans and vampires with formidable gifts and added them to his "collection." In the twentieth century, the advances in human weapons technology came to be viewed by many vampires as a validation of the Volturi's now inspired-seeming laws.
The present-day Volturi guard stands at nine permanent members and ten to twelve additional transitory members. The foremost members are jane and Alec, twins changed around 800 A.D. Jane and Alec had psychic abilities as humans that were greatly intensified in their vampire forms. After their inclusion, the Volturi's power became virtually unassailable.
Rank in the guard is decided by power; the guard members who are merely physically strong do not rank as high as those with extra abilities. Rank is marked by the color of the individual's cloak; the darker the clock, the higher the vampire's rank. Jane and Alex wear the darkest cloack, outside of the true black of the actual coven members. The only guard who wears a darker cloak is Chelsea.
Generally, the Volturi do not keep the vampires of the world under close supervision. If a human were to discover the truth about vampires and remain silent, it is probable that the volturi would never know and would leave the vampire responsible -- and the human who possessed the newfound information -- alone. The Volturi are concerned only with breaches that lead to widespread awareness in the human world. Certain news stories, books, or movies about vampires occasionally pique the interest of the Volturi. Members of the guard then trace the information to its source, assess the threat, and silence it if need be.
Many vampires around the world aspire to be accepted into the Volturi, as vampires are drawn to power. However, most of them have nothing to offer the Volturi that the Volturi don't already have. Vampires with powerful skills unmatched in the Volturi's current coven are invited to take the place of older, less skilled vampires. Depending on the circumstances, a demoted vampire might go off on his or her own, join another coven, or be executed.
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Narcissus lyrics
Dear momma's boy I know you've had your butt licked by your mother
I know you've enjoyed all that attention from her
And every woman graced with your presence after
(this is written like a letter to a boy she had a very tumultuous relationship with. all the attention this boy got from his mom had him believing that he was God's gift)
Dear narcissus boy I know you've never really apologized for anything
I know you've never really taken responsibility
I know you've never really listened to a woman
(he obviously doesn't know how to deal with women on a personal level, he thinks that all women should just shut up and take his side no matter what and he doesn't care if he hurts their feelings.)
Dear me-show boy I know you're not really into conflict resolution
Or seeing both sides of every equation
Or having an uninterrupted conversation
(this boy looooves to hear himself speak.)
And any talk of healthiness
And any talk of connectedness
And any talk of resolving this
Leaves you running for the door
(any talk of anything resembling something he'd have to work for leaves him getting out as fast as he can.)
(why why do I try to love you
Try to love you when you really don't want me
To)
(this is a question she's asking herself, why try and love someone who doesn't want her love?)
Dear egotist boy you've never really had to suffer any consequence
You've never stayed with anyone longer than ten minutes
You'd never understand anyone showing resistance
(his behavior towards her has got her thinking that he hasn't been with anyone long enough to get to know the "real" him, he's never understood anyone trying to get to know any part of him that he's not willing to show).
Dear popular boy I know you're used to getting everything so easily
A stranger to the concept of reciprocity
People honor boys like you in this society
(this is what makes him great in the eyes of everyone around him, he can just take take take without caring about anyone else's feelings and so many people want to be like that but unlike him they fail because they have actual feelings.)
And any talk of selflessness
And any talk of working at this
And any talk of being of service
Leaves you running for the door
(any talk of thinking of others for a change has him checking out of the relationship.)
(why why do I try to help you try to help you
When you really don't want me to)
(something i've learned from being in a relationship with self-destructive people... most of the time guys really don't want help. they say they do until you try and then they get mad. so fuck 'em.)
You go back to the women who will dance the dance
You go back to your friends who will lick your ass
You go back to ignoring all the rest of us
You go back to the center of your universe
(you go back to being who you were before you met me and thought you could crap out a relationship but it didn't work because i called you out on your shit and you didn't like it.)
Dear self centered boy I don't know why I still feel affected by you
I've never lasted very long with someone like you
I never did although I have to admit I wanted to
(she just contradicted herself, she is admitting that she wanted to last with someone as enigmatic as him; maybe to try and change him or tame him or something. Maybe that is why she's still affected by him.)
Dear magnetic boy you've never been with anyone who doesn't take your shit
You've never been with anyone who's dared to call you on it
I wonder how you'd be if someone were to call you on it
(i bet he wouldn't be too happy if someone were to call him on his shit, that's exactly why he hasn't been with anyone long enough to find out.)
And any talk of willingness
And any talk of both feet in
And any talk of commitment
Leaves you running for the door
(any talk of anything other than "having fun" has him running for the door. what kind of relationship is that? why even be in a relationship with someone else if you will never love anyone else like you love yourself?)
(why why do I try to change you try to
Try to change you when you really don't
Want me to)
(women have been making this mistake for centuries. men don't want to be changed just like women don't want to be changed, either. if you don't like the way someone is at that moment in time, it's pointless to try and change them into who you want them to be. if they're not who you want them to be then why be with them?)
You go back to the women who will dance the dance
You go back to your friends who will lick your ass
You go back to being so oblivious
You go back to the center of the universe
I picked this song because I know we can both relate to it. we've both been the girl who hopes that the guy can change their ways of being self absorbed to be the perfect guy in the world. but no one is perfect and unfortunately, most guys are some version of this. and then get mad at us when we don't want to change for them, either.
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October 6th, 2012
8:56pm
Hey Chels,
So, I read the issue you had with me. And though I know what the ten commandments are, this is what I was talking about:
Matthew 22:36-40
36: "teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law?"
37: Jesus replied: "love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38: this is the first and greatest commandment. 39: and the second is like it: "love your neighbor as yourself. 40: all the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.".
I think I may have overstepped a boundary here. Because although there's a lot I don't agree with in the bible, there are a lot of passages in there that I do love and that are beautiful. That is one of those passages. We have all broken every commandment. But you know what I'm learning as time goes on, nobody is perfect. But beating yourself up over mistakes you've made is pointless. This is the problem I have with the bible. Everyone forgets about all of these beautiful passages and can only think of the ones they want to when proving their point of why someone else is wrong. And this is the problem I have with the word "sin". Yes, okay. Killing someone, taking another human life for whatever reason is of course wrong. But most things people think are sins, aren't really. Because... Do you live everyone else's life for them? No. You live your own life. And yes you make mistakes but you learn from them and you grow. However God made you, that's how he made you. And whatever life you choose to live is between you and your creator. Of course, I do think that every action has a consequence. We've both fallen victim to that. But we don't give up and we keep learning and eventually we find peace with our adventures through life. I don't have a problem with whatever you believe. That is your path in life. I wouldn't even classify myself as Wiccan or pagan anymore. Just because it's not really fully me. I have been baptized and was raised in the church and have felt at peace with God. And you know, I feel him around me every day. I know he's alive because I see him everywhere. But I know that everyone's relationship with God is different because everyone is different. Take the different sexes: man and woman. If God really wanted everyone the same, he would have created two men or two women so there would be no babies. The fact that there is one man and one woman say it all... He did make us all in fact different.
Anyway, of course I will never be mad at you for expressing your feelings. And just FYI, I think you are better now than when I first met you. We are different but we can tell each other everything. And that means more to me than any bible verse :).
Love you,
Daisy
9:14pm
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