1:48am
Hey Chels,
Wow what a day. Well, more like week. I decided to start a fresh note so I'm finishing up some projects so I can finally start working on the new nb. I got sick of taking the same tests over and over so I decided to just stick to what I had already. I only have a little list to finish everything up as opposed to a crazy long list back before I finished all the study guides and practice tests. So I am making some progress.
So, today was strange. I did some creative stuff and I made some executive decisions that will help me instead of make me feel like I will never catch up. And then I went to visit James. We had a really interesting conversation today. I asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend and he told me he associated the words boyfriend and girlfriend with being in love or whatever, and he didn't know if he was capable of feeling that way because of the meds he's on that keep him from going crazy but they take away all the good feelings, too. Frankly, I like him as more than just a friend and I enjoy spending time with him. He makes me laugh, we have fun together, and he's really sweet to me. But I'm still at the point where I'm trying things out and seeing how things work. I mean, I care about him and I do feel a connection with him but I wouldn't call it love yet. I dunno, maybe we need to spend some more time together before making any decisions. At least he's not best friends with his ex and trying to make me feel jealous, then feel stupid for feeling jealous. Which I still think I had every right to because who could have that kind of friendship with someone they've slept with and then expect me to just be okay with it? Stupid fuck. But anyway. I'm not sure how I feel though, I mean I thought he was hurt before by the fact that I got mad at him for calling me his girlfriend the day after we decided to try dating each other. I wanted to spend a little bit more time with him before that label popped up. But it's been almost 2 months (it will be 2 months since we met for the first time on the 26th). So... When is a good time to figure out labels? Maybe 3 months? After 6? I don't know. I'll see how I feel after 3 months and see if I still feel the same way that I do now. No matter what though, it will take me a while to say I love you just because those words terrify me right now.
So anyway, guess who freaking texts me tonight. Yep, Larry. We had a pretty decent conversation and even though he didn't tell me everything that was going on with him, he did say a lot and I finally got to say a lot of the things I wanted to say for a long time. I will write more about that tomorrow though because I am freaking exhausted. Instead of paraphrasing though, I'm putting in the entire conversation for your reading pleasure. I'm just saying.
Alright, I'm going to attempt to fall asleep for now. I love you and I'm so sorry you're sick :(. I'll say a little prayer for you. Kisses!
Lymtl,
Rita Bo bita
2:17am
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Not The Doctor lyrics
I don't want to be the filler if the void is solely yours
I don't want to be your glass of single malt whiskey
Hidden in the bottom drawer
I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine
Lend me some fresh air
(she doesn't want to be the filler for whatever void he's trying to cover. she also doesn't want to be hidden or kept secret and she doesn't want to be the person that tries to "fix" him. she needs to breathe.)
I don't want to be adored for what I merely represent to you
I don't want to be your babysitter
You're a very big boy now
I don't want to be your mother
I didn't carry you in my womb for nine months
Show me the back door
(she is ticking off all the things she doesn't want to be to this guy. she's not going to be his babysitter or his mother, she doesn't have to kiss boo boos or change his diaper. he's a big boy he can take care of himself! maybe.)
Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6
Well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh
Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor
I don't want to be the sweeper of the egg shells that you walk upon
And I don't want to be your other half, I believe that 1 and 1 make 2
(haha i love this part. "i believe that 1 and 2 make 2" is so true. when you're in a relationship, you're not extending yourself. you find someone who yes you have things in common with but who is also different from you because everyone you meet is going to be different with you in some way. people think the term "soul mates" refers to someone who agrees with everything you say or blindly follows wherever you lead. but i want a man who stands up for himself.)
I don't want to be your food or the light from the fridge on your face
At midnight, hey
What are you hungry for
(that is a good question. what is he hungry for? a piece of ass? someone to hold him at night? a woman who will be seen and not heard? or someone who he can accept just as she is. good question.)
I don't want to be the glue that holds your pieces together
I don't want to be your idol
See this pedestal is high and I'm afraid of heights
I don't want to be lived through
A vicarious occasion
Please open the window
(i don't want to be these things either and that's how i felt when i was with brian. i wanted to and tried to break up with him so many times but i was so afraid to for such a long time because i felt like i was the glue that held his pieces together. i never want to be something like that towards someone again.)
Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6
Well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh
Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor
I don't want to live on someday when my motto is last week
I don't want to be responsible for your fractured heart
And it's wounded beat
I don't want to be a substitute for the smoke you've been inhaling
What do you thank me
What do you thank me for
(i love this part of the song. i think her "motto is last week" because she is remembering the things that happened within the last week and not looking into the future if there just happens to be one with this guy. and she doesn't want to be responsible for any baggage he might have.)
Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6
Well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh
Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor
Ultimately, this song is about her desire to be a separate entity from her lover, her own person and she doesn't want to fix or change him. Kind of funny considering the other song I picked contradicted this. it reminds me of my relationship with Brian. the weird thing is... in the beginning he did everything I asked him to and as soon as we got engaged he acted like he owned me. in the end i felt like i was more his roommate than anything but he still didn't want to let me go even though it clearly wasn't working. but... i don't want to be anything other than myself in a relationship. and if a guy can't handle that then too damn bad for him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7:34am
Hey Chels,
I cannot fucking believe I am awake right now. I had finally gotten to sleep when my dog started barking like mad and apparently there was some guy at the door at like 6:30am. I tried getting back to sleep but yeah, not a possibility right now.
So, I talked to James and I still have no idea what to think. Larry told me he loved me last night and James told me not to get serious about him, although I had no idea if he was kidding or not because I asked him why I couldn't get serious about him and he never answered me back. I mean, what is the point of dating someone if I can't eventually be serious about that person? I thought that's what the whole point was. We need to have a conversation because after last night, I'm confused as shit as to where I stand with him. So far I'm getting that he likes my company and he likes having sex with me but he doesn't want to be my boyfriend because he doesn't know if he's capable of loving me. Okay so... I gave this guy a chance... For what reason?? Right now I have no idea why. A part of me wants to stay and figure things out and another part of me wants to bow out before I start to fall for him which apparently I'm not allowed to do. What the fuck kind of relationship is that, anyway?
And it's not even because of Larry that I'm feeling this way. I mean, even if I did say goodbye to James right now, it would still take me a really long time to consider the possibility of Larry as anything more than a friend. I mean he would have some serious making up to do and I couldn't put myself through that hurt again.
I dunno, Chels. I mean, James is supposed to come to my birthday party but I just have no idea if I even want him there anymore. I'm supposed to hang out with him and his kid sometime this weekend but I don't know if I want to do that, either. I really don't get this at all. He was the one who told me he wanted to keep me. He was the one who has talked about "if we ever live together." and now two months in and he doesn't think he is capable of loving me and he is either joking or serious about me not getting serious about him? What the fuck is it all for, then?
And what am I supposed to tell my family when they meet him? "hi, this is the guy I'm seeing but he's not my boyfriend and we're not really together." I don't know what to make of any of this. I really like him and the problem is that I wouldn't have slept with him in the first place if I ever thought this would happen. I thought he wanted a girlfriend. I'm not even entirely sure why he was even on a dating site to begin with if he just wanted another fuck buddy. And maybe he's gonna say I'm being stupid again but you know what, this is my life. Yeah we have fun together and everything but I can't be with someone just because it's fun. I dunno. I just thought he wanted to date me and now I'm confused as to what that word means to him and why he ever bothered with me when he didn't really want a relationship. And you can't call something a relationship when you don't even want to put a label on things or at least try to see if you can fall in love with someone. I'm just unsure as to what I want to do at this point. On the one hand, pretty much every guy friend of mine is just waiting for this guy to fuck up so I can be single again. I can't date all of my friends, but I would consider dating one of them if he showed me he could be trusted. Maybe you're right and I'm just not ready to date anyone yet. I tried it for a couple months and it didn't work out. I really think that I need to have a conversation with James because I am really confused as to what exactly is going on between us and I'm torn between wanting to stay or leaving before my feelings get completely squished. I don't want to break up with him but if I have to then I have to because I can't be with someone who doesn't see a future with me. I want something to look forward to besides just hanging out and sleeping together occasionally.
When I met him, I wasn't ready for much. And yeah it's nice to have kisses and someone to snuggle with, but I don't need it if there's nothing else there. It just sounded like he had already made up his mind. I mean, if we talk stuff out that's great but at this point... I almost think it's better to quit while I'm ahead. I need to talk to you directly, but you are sick right now. Which blows. I'm gonna see how this weekend goes and we are going to have a conversation about this. I can't stay with someone just because it's fun when there's not even the possibility of a future with that person. As much as I like him, I can't make him feel something for me that he's most likely never going to feel and I don't want him to say something he won't mean. I don't want to trap him or make him feel obligated to try and feel anything towards me. I just want to know that there's something to look forward to and if there's not then what's the point? Maybe I will tell him that the next time I see him. I don't want to break up with him in front of his kid though. But I don't want to bring someone to my birthday that I have no future with. And don't get me wrong. I hate being one of those girls that asks the guy "so where is this going?" I don't want to be that girl. But in a way I sort of need to know that there's at least something other than what there is now. And if there can't be, then... I don't want to waste my time.
Alright, I'm gonna watch some YouTube videos in hopes of those cheering me up. Maybe Olga Kay will have the answer, lol.
Love you,
Rita
8:21am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BELLA
You put it on hold.
RENE
I did?
BELLA
Look. You also called Mexico.
Rene pushes her playfully, they laugh.
3.
RENE
I'll figure it out. You gotta be able
to reach me and Phil on the road -
I
love saying that - on the road.
BELLA
Very romantic.
PHIL, 31, good looking with an athlete's body, exits the
house, carrying Bella's three suitcases with ease.
PHIL
If you call crappy motels, backwater
towns and ballpark hot dogs romantic.
He puts his Phoenix Desert Dogs baseball hat on Rene's head with
a
kiss. Phil's love of Rene reassures Bella. Phil heads to the old
station wagon to load the luggage, while Rene slips her arm
through Bella's, clinging to her as they walk to car.
RENE
Now, you know if you change your
mind, I'll race back here from
wherever the game is.
But Rene's strained expression tells us what a great
sacrifice that would be. Bella forces a smile.
BELLA
I won't change my mind, mom.
RENE
You might. You've always hated Forks.
BELLA
It's not about Forks, it's about
Dad. I mean, two weeks a year, we
barely know each other.
(off Rene's still worried
look)
Mom, I want to go. I'll be fine.
But as Rene hugs Bella, we see the truth on BELLA'S FACE
dread, doubt, regret. Off Bella, struggling to keep her
facade up as she climbs into the back seat of the car..
.
BEGIN TITLES OVER:
3 BELLA'S POV OUT THE CAR WINDOW - SCOTTSDALE
3
Bella, IPOD earbuds in her ears, gets a last glimpse of the
sparkling malls, chic shoppers, manicured cactus gardens..
.
PULL UP AND OUT OF THE CAR UNTIL WE'RE -
-
4.
4 EXT. ABOVE SCOTTSDALE (AERIAL SHOT) - DAY
4
The McMansions get smaller as we SWEEP OVER the scorched
landscape, baking under a hot sun. Beyond the housing
developments SEE the rocky, dry desert, extending for miles..
.
Rise HIGHER, and higher still, until finally we're suspended
within the bright, perfect, blue SKY, with only an occasional
cloud..
.
Slowly, the clouds start getting more numerous, thicker, darker..
.
until we're completely immersed in them... the sun disappearing.
Finally, we EMERGE from the clouds to find below
-
5 EXT. WASHINGTON STATE - OLYMPIC PENINSULA (AERIAL SHOT)- DAY5
Nothing but deep, dark, green forests for miles. SWEEP DOWN,
finding the eerily dramatic Lake Crescent. Over it all hangs
the mist from the ever-present cloudy grey sky. Everything
is wet and green and drenched in shade..
.
FIND A TWO LANE HIGHWAY along which drives A POLICE
CRUISER... PUSH IN on the cruiser until we reach
-
THE PASSENGER SIDE WINDOW
Bella looks out, taking in her gloomy new surroundings..
.
END TITLES.
6 INT. POLICE CRUISER - DAY - WAITING AT LIGHT
6
Bella sits next to her uniformed father, police chief CHARLIE
SWAN, 40's. Taciturn, introverted like Bella. Their strained
silence contrasts Bella's relationship with her mother. Beat.
CHARLIE
Your hair's longer.
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