12:51am
Hey Chels,
Omg what a freaking day. Okay, so... There's this guy. I met him on okcupid and I know you're thinking "uh oh" but... Nothing is happening. He's very nice and we can carry on a conversation and so far it's good. I gave him my number so he could text me today so he does and we're saying hi and then Larry of all people texts me and asks me how my new years was. We talk a bit but only small talk and I don't hear from him for the rest of the day. Which is completely fine with me. I still feel sad but... I know why. It's because I feel like all he wanted out of me was sex. He can deny that all he wants to but if you look at the facts, every single time he's had sex with me he stopped talking to me for a while and I let it happen at first because I didn't want anything serious. But after this last time I've come to realize that as much as I don't want to admit it, he IS a moron because he let me slip through his fingers. I don't even believe that he cares about me even a little bit anymore because if he cared about me at all, he'd move mountains not to make me feel like I had just been used for sex again. It's a horrible feeling. I know I have the power to make myself feel how I feel and all of that, but it's really sad when someone I've known since I was 15 would do this to me. Here's my whole argument. Before, I got why things happened the way they did. But since we talked everything out I wanted so badly to give him another chance because I was looking forward to everything we had talked about. But he got busy again and forgot about me again and it's really frustrating. I don't have sex with people who are just my friends. And it's hard for me to be with him and then discarded until he wants me again. I don't think someone who cared about me at all would do something like that to me. And now I have a hard time even believing that he even thinks of me as a friend because except for that one time, every other time we've hung out, we've either had sex or he tried to have sex with me. We never did anything that normal friends would do. And it's like... I deserve a fuck of a lot more than that, even on a friendship level. I feel like I made a mistake when I said sex would be okay. I never thought this would end up happening. I never thought he would do this to me. Or did I do it to myself? Was I stupid and brought this on myself? I don't even know. I really don't want it to be a mistake. But I can't trust him for anything anymore. Not as a friend either. I would never treat a friend this way. And he's gonna know just how badly he fucked up. Believe me. I do not want to give up on him as a friend. But he needs to realize that he can't just keep me locked away from everyone else who actually gets to see him. He can't just come out and play when he wants sex and expect me to just sit there and wait until he comes back. I'm not a toy, I'm a human being and I have feelings. A part of me can't wait until he tries to flirt with me and I turn him down. Lol how sick am I?
Anyway... I'm still down with the idea of not having sex at all anymore until I'm in a relationship with someone. I know I wrote about this like yesterday. But I think it's very liberating to say. I am done harboring feelings for someone who will never be mine, and I'm done with having sex without first defining what is going on. The person I mentioned earlier hasn't even said a thing about sex or anything. And apparently he lives very close to the library. I might have even seen him before and not even known it. How crazy is that? I'm not sure what kind of feeling I get from him yet. With James it was instant, I automatically felt something. Probably why I slept with him really fast, we had that connection. I just didn't think he'd turn out to be a pile of crazy. But this guy, I liked him enough to trust him with my phone number. I don't do that with anyone. But I'm taking this one S L O W!!! And if he can't handle it then too damn bad for him.
Alright. For the first time in a great while I'm going to watch Olga Kay because I know she will cheer me up. I love you!
Rita
1:20am
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