1:45am
Hey Chels,
Well, I feel like I haven't written in a while, even though that's probably not true lol. So... I hope your day turned out to be okay. You've been going through some shit lately. Between all the stuff with Brian, then getting sick, then your friend calling you out on the stupid election, then your dad getting sick, then Erin, and then your mom... It's enough to drive anybody crazy. I could see why you'd need a break. But your ability to handle things has always been nothing short of amazing. You have something a lot of people don't have, which is called grace under pressure. You have the ability to handle whatever shit life has to throw at you with such an amazing attitude... There is no question as to why you are one of my favorite people in this whole wide crazy world. You get down sometimes and the pressures of the day sometimes have a negative effect, but that happens to everyone. If you ever stop and think about how much you haven't accomplished in your life, think about all the things you have accomplished. I have had the privilege of knowing you for the past 10 years and let me just tell you... It has been such an honor being a part of your world. You keep me going sometimes. I mean, I know I don't have the same problems as you have. But there have been times when all I wanted was to give up but you didn't let that happen. I know I always thank you but I really mean it. Wow... I wasn't expecting this kind of entry but I guess this is what you're getting right now lol.
I just have to say one thing about your mom. I'm not trying to be rude or judgmental. But I really don't get her. I mean, ever since I've known you, I just feel like you have been a constant disappointment to her and I still to this day cannot figure out why. It saddens me that she might never get to know the woman you've become, simply because she doesn't want to. But you know what? It's her loss. It really is. If she wants to live apart from the rest of her family for whatever reason that's her choice. But you didn't make her leave. That was her decision. Now it's been a few years and nothing has really changed. She still lives up there and you guys still live where you live and she comes and goes. It's like she's picking when she wants to be a part of the family and then still expecting to be the enforcer when she does decide to show up. It's sad that her own feelings of guilt that she's trying hard to suppress by being outwardly mean to you for no reason at all creates barriers that you don't know if you can ever break down. But you know what, Chels? You didn't do that. Your mom has pissed you off more times than I can even count but you let her back in because she is your mother and you love her. She should consider herself lucky that you let her into your life and not the other way around.
And for what it's worth, I think you are doing a stand up job at taking care of your dad. He's lucky to have a daughter like you who actually gives a shit enough to stick around and help him out. Sometimes I don't get his treatment of you, either, but I think it's more of a generational gap than anything. He loves you. You're his baby :). And as for your brother, I really don't get why he's still living with you and your dad. I feel like things would be a lot easier if it were just you two and not your brother. I couldn't help myself from thinking that your brother couldn't wait for something like this to happen so he could steal more stuff. I know it's a horrible thought but... I wanted to be honest. The thought was there in my mind.
As for Erin, look. You guys have had a roller coaster relationship since the beginning. She's always been that girl that HAS to be noticed. She has to be the best because if she's not then what is she? She can't just be Erin. She has to be something more than what she already is. She has the potential to be a really good friend and an awesome person. But that Erin is overshadowed by this obsessive need to show off and overdo everyone else. There's a little girl inside of this woman screaming for attention. Someone is not loving this girl enough. And I will tell you who that is. It's her. She needs to look within and deal with herself before she can be the person she was meant to be. I really don't get why she'd tell you to leave her alone in a public comment. That's like saying "take me off your friends list or I'll do it myself". And how childish is that? It's like, she wants to know that there are people out there who love her, she just doesn't want to do anything about it to make her life better.
And as for this crazy girl....look, I understand that politics makes people crazy. As I've written in here before, I really haven't written much about my politics, nor have I gotten on my soapbox and said you were stupid for voting the way you did and blah blah blah. Politics is like religion. Everyone is going to believe in something different because we are all different. No two people on the face of this earth have lived the same journey. We each have our own set of nature vs. nurture, what has been instilled in us from birth and what we were taught. Some people were taught from love, others fear. There are many varying degrees on this. But no two people are alike. So to say that someone is wrong for believing what that person believes is like calling yourself wrong because you're denying that person what makes them, them. Their own mind, their brain, their moral compass. Who is to say what is right and what is wrong? And what's right for me might not be what's right for you. But you know what? That's okay. That's what makes you Chelsea. And gives you your "chelseaness." that is yours alone and no one can take that away from you.
With that being said, this election wasn't just about Obama and Romney. In fact, I think it had very little to do with them at all. Instead, it was about what the democrats and republicans represented. Now... The republicans seem to be taken over by some crazies. These people hate women, gays, the middle class, and basically anyone who isn't them. They spent so much money trying to buy this election to gain power so they could have all the power and everyone else would be fucked. Now, I'm not sure why people think that we are already fucked. Everyone has rights in this country. And now more people than ever have rights. When you live in a free country, the scariest thing in the world is hearing how people are planning to take your freedom away. And they think they're being slick about it, but they're not. I'm not even saying that this is the republican party. Because as much as I don't care for the republicans, they have never been crazy like this. And that fear is what drove America into voting the way they did. And unlike Bush, Obama didn't have to fix the election. He won fair and square. Because this country has been free for so long that we would like to keep it that way.
Now... I'm not sure why your friend felt the need to personally attack you. You did what you felt was right and you know what?? That was great. But what she did was so snobbish. I can't stand pretentious people who think that just because they believe one way, the rest of the world should, too.
This election has torn apart so many friends and even family members I'm sure. But I'm also sure that your friend will eventually eat her words and apologize. And if she doesn't, well, tough shit on her part because she loses out on an amazing friend.
Alright, before it gets to be any later I need to wrap this thing up. Love you!!
Rita
2:35am
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9:02am
Hey Chels,
You might be thinking, "damn that's kind of early for her to be up," but honestly I've been awake since 7:30am. I wish I was kidding. So, yesterday I figured out how to put all the vlogs I make throughout a day into one thing so I think I'm going to start doing that instead of making everything as a stand alone vlog. Cuz I don't like that they're all separated and all over the place, and I think sometimes it might be easier for you to watch it as one big one, unless it's too long and I keep going on and on. Which I will try not to do from now on. If I have something to say or show you I will but I'm not gonna go on and on about stupid shit anymore.
So anyway, this weekend was great. I was a little unmotivated because of my period but I went to Katie's party and had an awesome time. I felt a little bad because I missed another goddess group meeting but you know what... I've known Katie for about 7 years now and I hadn't seen Alex in forever. So... I think I made the right choice. Also, I was invited to another bday party but I opted out of that one as well. I just wasn't going to miss a good friend turning 40. I got a few belated happy birthdays as well and everyone was going on about how great I looked. Well it's not like they're that much younger than me, lol. Honestly, I knew this was coming. Like... I knew I would be 30 when I got a new phone and when the last Twilight came out. But you know what... It feels great to be reminded of that. I turned 30 and got a new phone that I love, I got to vote and I get to see the new Twilight. I think I'm gonna end up taking my dad. I think he would enjoy it.
I used to view these things as "omg I'll be 30 before such and such happens." but not so much anymore. This year I've learned so much about myself and what I am capable of that I feel like I can handle anything that comes my way. And I really don't have anything to show for 30. No gray hair, no (or hardly any) wrinkles, and my body still feels good. I gotta do more yoga, but that's about it. I also feel like I've matured a lot and I see the world in a different way than I used to. A few years ago, I never would have understood the world the way I do now. I've always had my own thoughts and feelings about things, but I still let people hurt me and take advantage of me. Nowadays I understand better that letting go is such a beautiful thing. Also, I think I'm a better writer than I used to be. Looking back on some of the things I've written, it's like... WTF am I even trying to say here?
But anyway, the party was great. I got such a cute hug and kiss from my nephew. He's always a little shy around me because I live kinda far away and don't visit that often. So I wasn't expecting this at all. He actually came up to me and held his hands up. I asked if he wanted to be picked up and he said yes. So I picked him up and he hugged me. I said thank you, and then he kissed me!! It was the sweetest thing ever. I love that little boy so much. And Alex as a mom is such a beautiful thing. She has always been this really sensitive soul who loves animals and we get along so great because we love each other for who we are and don't try and change each other. She has gone through many phases in her life but we have stuck by each other and included each other in all the important moments. Or try as much as we can. We also really value our friendship and we can talk about anything to each other. So when I say that she makes a great mom, I say it because it's the truth. I've seen her stumble and fall through life and pick herself up and she found someone like Danny who is a great person and together they brought Anthony into this world and he is the kindest most sensitive soul in the world. He is such a joy and I'm glad to know him. And I love that I'm not really a stranger to him like I would be if I wasn't here.
Anyway, so after the party I left and came home to crash. Then I was going to use Sunday as a writing day but that didn't pan out quite like I wanted. First off, the power went out. By the time it came back on, my mom asked me if I wanted to go shopping and I said yes. And I'm so glad I did. I found so much cute stuff!! I'm really excited to wear a lot of it. And those boots are just freaking adorable! My mom got me two pairs of boots, one fluffy and the other one is a really nice pair of black boots. I think I can wear those with my pink cheetah leggings. Yep you heard me right, lol. I'm not sure where I'll wear those, but they were so adorable I had to have them.
I think I'm gonna go for now. I have a book to finish. And then maybe I'll get up and vlog a little bit. I have to find time this week to go to my friend sarah's house and give her a massage (for free) and have dinner with my friend, Jen. Also, I can't go to my tarot group because I have a relative coming in from out of town. He could have picked any other day besides Wednesday to come over but whatever. That just means I have to pick a day where all I work on is my tarot cards. For some of them, inspiration comes to me so easily, but for others I need help and would love to talk to the group about it. But oh well. Maybe I can even start coloring in the ones I feel are finished. We'll see.
So, let's hope James doesn't spoil this week for me. I'm still a little pissed at how things turned out but if he hadn't of said what he said then we'd be going on 3 months now. But he did so here we are and I feel like I don't need a boyfriend right now. He can date whoever he wants but just leave me out of it. And he can buy his own comic books if he's gonna be a little baby about everything. I did feel bad but that was before.
Alright, I love you! And will most likely talk to you soon. Love,
Me
9:38am
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The lying game book 3
Well, I only got to chapter 7 before I had to return this book. I can try to renew it but it's an electronic book so I'm not sure if it will let me renew it or if I have to check it out again. But anyways, so Emma screamed when she saw Thayer and he got in trouble. And now everyone thinks that she had something to do with him being gone but neither she nor Sutton have any idea what the hell is going on. The thing is, Emma told everyone in the beginning who she was. It's up to them to believe her or not, and so far only one person does. So... If the police "uncover" the fact that she's not Sutton, it would prove nothing besides what she already told them. But so now everyone is pissed at Emma because they don't believe that she had no idea where Thayer was all this time or why he was in her room. She is just figuring out that Thayer was in fact with Sutton and in her car the night she died, but that could mean any number of things. I'm gonna try to read more today.
Okay so I read up to chapter 12, I think?? Laurel is being a real snot in this book. She wants to play a prank on Emma's boyfriend, Ethan, because she wants to get Emma back for exposing Thayer and getting him into trouble. So she's been spying on Emma. Not much else has been happening except I think it's interesting that both Emma and sutton named the stars. They would both give them nicknames for people they loved. Sutton even had an E star. I'm not sure how old the twins were before they were separated, but it would be interesting to find out. But I think they were newborns.
Anywho... I'm going to finish this book, and then it's on to supernatural and comic books until I finish those and then I can get back to regular reading.
Alright so I got this book for a little longer than I thought I would have it. I want to finish it but there's stuff I want to write out before I finish it, if that makes sense. So, there's this prank that Laurel thought up towards Ethan and she told Emma that the only way she would stop the prank is if she gets Thayer out of jail. Which Emma doesn't want to do because she is almost 100% sure that Thayer is Sutton's killer. She found Sutton's letters to Thayer in a book in his room and found a key to a lockbox in Sutton's locker with a note in it from Thayer proving his instability. And this prank Laurel wants to do is to have Emma steal some of his poetry and they are going to make a fake website and put his poems on there, claiming he plagiarized them. She just told Ethan and he got pissed off and told her to go away. The thing I'm thinking is that he could have been like, "oh thank you for telling me," and then come up with a counter prank like writing bogus poems to give to Emma to give to Laurel. All Laurel wants to do is expose Emma's relationship to get her back for getting Thayer in trouble. But she can't tell anyone who she really is because she's afraid that people will think that she killed Sutton herself to get her life. Which is stupid because there's no proof about her even knowing that she had a twin before she saw that video and reached out.
So... I'm hoping to finally finish this book today. We'll see how far I get by 4 because that's when I have to get my dad to the store.
Alright so I read a few more chapters but I had to stop because my head is hurting. So... Emma and her friends were planning this huge party but Laurel was being a bitch to Emma so she thought up the idea to prank Ethan. Well, Emma finally stood up to Laurel but it turns out the prank wasn't on Ethan, it was on the both of them. But at least everyone knows that they're a couple. But what nobody knows is that she's not Sutton.
Alright, I know for sure I haven't read past this so I'm going to say I left off at chap 27.
Okay so I finally finished this book. So... Thayer wasn't Sutton's killer. Whoever the killer was ran him over with Sutton's car. He was already in hiding so he didn't want to be sent to a hospital where people knew him so he called Laurel to come pick him up (I guess he and sutton were in the desert). She hid because she didn't want Laurel to know she was there but she saw her anyway. So.... Now we think that Laurel might have had something to do with the murder. But I have to wait for the next book to come out to find that out.
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