1:19am
Hey Chels,
I am so tired but I need to write. I cannot believe what happened today (Friday dec 14th). What person makes the conscious decision to shoot up a school filled with children? And then to shoot these children? I just don't get it. I will never understand a man who would do something like this. It's funny to me that people are up in arms about obamacare, but let me tell you something. Because of obamacare, people can get treated for mental illness as real illnesses and can get treated. You know how most people are in jail because they are mentally ill? Instead of spending years behind bars these people can get treated for what is really wrong with them. I'm not saying that everyone is mentally ill. There are some sick people out there who are mentally sound but who choose to rape and kill. But a lot of people, especially people who get messed up in drugs, are most likely self medicating and get thrown in jail because there's no real place for them to get help. Okay so my point is that for this man, I'm sure there were warning signs. Nobody is fine one day and shoots up a school and kills his family and himself the next day. There had to be signs. Now, people just could of missed them or he was really good at hiding them. I'm just saying that it's fucked up how tragedies like this happen and then people go over the signs and say what could have helped, etc. I'm sure someone will come out in the following weeks that will say "I heard him say this" or "I should have stepped up," or whatever. Well, why didn't you?
Now... Am I upset at this man? Of course I am. If he wasn't already dead I would find him and kill him myself. That's how mad I feel towards him. But you know... My point in my fb status wasn't to get people pissed off at me by saying we should pray for a man who did this. My point is that what good does it do me to harbor anger for someone who did something wrong? It does me no good. So my point in praying for him wasn't because I felt bad or sorry for him. It was so I didn't have to carry around anger towards him. Because of course I am angry. My heart aches for the families who have lost children. And for the adults who lost their lives as well. But this man was someone's baby once. Something just broke inside of him so badly that he felt like this was his only way out. And you know what else pisses me off? Everyone goes on about God and prayer. But the thing is, using prayer conditionally is like a slap in the face to God. It's like loving someone but only if they reach your standards. Well obviously your standards and God's standards are different. Because you look at yourself and see a million things wrong with you and God looks at you and sees someone he loves more than anything in this world. And he feels that way about all of his children, even the ones that stray. And we all stray. I just can't stand these people that would be the first ones to pray for people only they deem it important to pray for and then nobody else. What makes me worthy of someone's thoughts and prayers? How perfect do I have to be? I am in no way justifying what this man did. Please know that. I'm just saying, I would rather spread words of healing and love than spread hate. I don't want that emotion anywhere near me. Because if I let it consume me, I won't be any happier with my life. So, with that, here is my prayer:
Dear God,
Words cannot express how my heart feels right now. Please be with the families who have lost their children today. Please put your loving arms around them and help them grieve and heal from this. Their children were robbed of their physical lives, but they have not died in vain, as they are all now with you up in heaven. And please be with every single person in this country who has been effected by this madness. I do not understand what drove this man to do what he did, but everyone is crazy with gun laws and what's the right way to pray, etc. In the heat of this moment we have all forgotten one thing: we are not strangers, but all your children and we need to come together more than anything right now. Also, I would like to say a prayer for the young man who did this. I will never understand why he did this or felt the need to end these childrens' lives. My hope for him is that now he doesn't have to struggle with whatever cross he had to bear anymore and that he can finally find some peace now. Who knows if his spirit will be at rest or if it will remain trapped in wherever he took his life. I pray that where he may be in the spiritual world, he can find a way to make things right. I pray for all those children too, that their spirits can find peace in the light as they make their way to heaven to be home again.
In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen.
It's kind of like forgiveness. People don't forgive each other so the person being forgiven can feel better. People forgive so they can let go and not harbor that anger anymore. And that's what I choose to do. I choose to forgive and pray for that man so I don't have to curse him and spread more hate and anger. But like I said before, you bet your ass I'm pissed and it will be a while before I can move on. I just can't believe 20 children in a school died today. To me that's nuts. Parents don't have enough to deal with, with kids having cancer and if they don't get that there's bullying and sexting and drugs and teen pregnancy. And now kids are going to be afraid to go to school. Around here, they put the lockdown on schools. You need to go through a certain door, get buzzed through and see someone and get signed in before you can be in the school and all the doors are locked so you can't get in from the outside unless school is in session and that door is going to be used like for photography or gym. But yeah the high school over here is locked up like fort knocks. And so is the middle school. I'm surprised that it's not like that everywhere.
I am so disgusted that my generation is the generation of school shootings. It started when I was in high school and every year it just gets worse. I don't know what exactly is going on but you know what? I was bullied all the time. In elementary school, middle school, and high school. And do you see me shooting anything up? No. Because I can't just take someone's life because they were an asshole to me. There has to be some connection between the type of parenting and the type of mental state the person is in for that person to do that. Shooting up a theater because you want to be like Heath Ledger, okay I get that. I mean, I don't condone it, but I get that people are that crazy. But... Kids?? Okay what did a 5 year old ever do to you? I'm guessing nothing. Fuck you know... I'm not condoning shootings of any kind I'm just saying I get that the joker wasn't right in the head and the guy was very predictable in what he did because it's that kind of movie. I mean, the movie did kill Heath ledger so... Even actors can't tell fake from real sometimes.
Ugh I am so freaking exhausted right now. I'm just sick of all the hate I got today, first with Mike and now this. When all I'm doing is trying to be positive. I'm not saying that the new year is magical or that I condone bad behavior. I'm just sick of all the hysterical posts spreading more lies and fear and hate. That's not the kind of person I want to be.
So... Aside from all this, I dis get to see Evelyn today. We had coffee and chatted for 2 hours. And then I came home and worked on NBs and then... Made a profile for plentyoffish.com. I found Barry's profile and it must have been before he dated me. It was well thought out and written and he was such a big fat liar. But I could tell he prolly hasn't used it since before we dated. And I also checked out james's but he didn't have his up anymore. So I'm safe from exboyfriends at least, lol. There have been a few guys who are cool but I'm not interested in meeting any of them. I was just bored tonight. I dunno, even though I like Larry, I don't think there's anything wrong with making new friends. I've already decided that I'm going to hold out for him, unless someone truly spectacular comes along. It's just that with everything Larry has been through this week and still doing inventory we haven't been talking as much and I don't always hear from Danny either and although I'm not dating anyone it's nice to have strangers tell me I'm pretty. Is that so wrong? Lol. I guess even I could use an ego boost every once in a while. But unless someone comes along that's better than Larry, I'm good with waiting. I mean, he's waited for me to heal from my wounds so the least I can do is wait until I know for sure if it's leaning towards trying something or if it's just not gonna work out romancewise. Not sure how much of a time limit I want to put on it though. I mean... Do I give it until March? Who's to say what could happen in that time? I think the only thing that could make me get over my feelings for him is if I know for sure that we wouldn't work out as a couple. But regardless I will always care about him and always love him. I think I'm going to talk about that the next time I see him. Be like, "I know you said that there was the possibility of us just ending up friends, but I have to tell you. I don't know if I could ever get over how I feel about you unless I knew that anything more wouldn't work out." see, these are the conversations I have with myself because it's hard for me to say it to his face. But I'm gonna try. The next time I see him, I want to tell him. Or the next time we talk, depending on how the conversation is going. I do want to see what will happen on new years, too. I would really like to start my year off with a kiss from him. But we will see. I have all these visions in my head but at this point I know I'll just be sitting at home doing nothing which is also ideal. I'd rather be alone than be forced to relive last year. Lol I just thought of something cute. I'm going to do my Christmas cards and when I do Larry's I'll write something nice so his family can see but then on a separate piece of paper say "and if you need someone to kiss on new years, I don't have any plans yet," lol. I probably won't do that. But it would be funny.
Okay my dear, I really need to get going. I love you and I hope I can sleep tonight.
Love,
Me
2:27am
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