November 5th, 2012

November 5th, 2012
1:00am

Hey Chels,
How are you doing? My head is still spinning from that stupid conversation I had. James started out by saying he missed me and he went out on a date with this one girl who didn't laugh at his jokes and then he's got another date tomorrow. Cuz apparently he doesn't want to keep dating the same person because I was able to hurt him so yeah. I don't fucking care anymore. So, after a while he called me and he was trying to explain that his intentions weren't to break up and I said that after all the rejections I had from him that night I was done. So he tried explaining that he wasn't feeling anything for me because of his meds. Okay I got the fucking memo on his damn medication. But like, when I had asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend, I was being serious. I wanted to stop with the "oops I'm not supposed to call you my girlfriend" shit and just asked. But I guess he was joking that he didn't want to? I have no idea. But after that I just stopped talking. I was just getting angrier and angrier and then he asked me about my birthday. He asked what I got and I said, "stuff." and I wasn't saying anything else at this point. So I just told him I didn't want to be on the phone with him anymore and that I was going to hang up on him. And then I did. Then he started texting me asking me what he did and I told him to leave me alone and then he called me a psycho and then a cunt and all this other stuff. I know he was just really mad and hurt but you know what?? I'm fucking sick of this crap. I can't keep having the same conversation over and over again and no I don't want to see him or hang out with him because I'm pretty sure it would end up the same way. And it does hurt me that he thinks all these things of me but you know what? Everything was great. I was happy. And then he tells me not to get serious about him. And every time I would say how I felt he would tell me I was wrong. But how can I tell what the fuck he's even trying to say when everything he says is a joke anyway? I guess my feelings are just a fucking joke to him then. And then he tells me he's taking me off Facebook and he's done with me. And that he doesn't date girls that put out on the first day. You know, I was okay with not sleeping with him on the first date. If that was really a rule for him then he should have stuck with it. I just went with how I felt at the time.  I'm not going to feel bad about that. But I guess if a person can go from missing me to hating me in one conversation, then I guess his feelings weren't that strong for me. I'm just going to try and relax and watch some YouTube videos because they make me happy and tomorrow I am going to study my tush off and then work on nbs some more. And I'm not gonna worry about James or boys at all and everyone can fuck off because you know what?? I'm not a psycho. I'm not a cunt or a slut or anything like that. I am a human being and I have feelings. I was holding onto James because I didn't want to let go yet. But after tonight.... I made it really easy for him to hate me. And if he ever thinks about coming back, I won't be there. I am done. I'm not gonna be in a relationship with someone who jokes around with my feelings. And I'm not gonna be with someone who can't give me a straight answer about whether or not he wants to be with me. Either you want to be with me or you don't. He didn't want to. So I bowed out. It's better than getting really hurt later on. Yeah, there were good things about him that I liked and will miss. But I won't miss the way I feel right now. And he better leave me alone or I'm going to have to figure out how to block him on my phone. Because I refuse to just sit there and let him abuse me like this. I don't care how badly I hurt him. He hurt me way more than he even realizes and he's trying to fill his time with other women because I don't want him and I think to try and make me jealous? And you know what?  He's never going to find a girl like me and he knows it. Too fucking bad for him. I am just done. If he wants to hate me and make up stories about me to other girls then fine. But I know what really happened. He pissed me off and I cut him off and he got mad.  He just went on and on about how he had to give me shit for calling him my boyfriend after 2 months because I gave him shit after one day. Okay... Does he not realize those are two different situations? Plus, I wanted that to stop so I asked him for real and he rejected me. So I dumped him. He said he wasn't trying to dump me. No, he was trying to get sex and backrubs out of me. I know in my heart that what I did was right for me. If he can't understand me or why I got upset, that's not my problem and he has to live with the mean things he said to me.

There will be a point where he might realize he went too far. But you know what... I can't keep talking to him. He finally got pissed off enough to leave me alone, I should be thankful for that.

I'm gonna go watch some more stuff and kick ass tomorrow :). I love you!

Rita

1:35am
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Baby laughs
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This was such a cute book!! I think about her parenting style and my friend Alex's and it's just so different. Alex I'm pretty sure still breast feeds her kid. I mean, probably not all the time, but maybe before bed. He's 3 now. I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing because when you think about it, breast milk provides the best nutrients for your kid's body. Jenny didn't want to do it because she had implants and was afraid that the implant might harm the kid. So she had hers taped up for a while. But the milk doesn't just disappear if you decide not to breast feed. It still comes and has to leave on its own. Also, we know that jenny's kid has autism, but there was no way of knowing this in his first year. So she has stories of other mothers asking her how old her kid is and why he's not crawling yet. It could be attributed to the autism or he could just be that kind of baby. Sometimes babies talk first, sometimes they crawl, and other times they just go from sitting to standing and walking without the crawling. It doesn't mean anything.
Also, she had a lot of stuff in there about the fact that moms need to take care of themselves, too sometimes. It must really... Great I just lost my train of thought because my dad started puking. What an awesome way to start off the day. Of course I am kidding. Anyway... The thing I love about these books is that although there's a lot of information in them, they're still quick reads. Onto the next one!!