October 4th, 2012

 October 4th, 2012
 12:59am

Hey Chels,
 Well that sucked. I had this whole thing all typed out and then it disappeared. But I do have to say that at least it was just this entry and not the entire page or I would be pissssssed off.

So... I've come to the conclusion that I'm acting crazy because my period is due next week. I need to cut out the pumpkin spice lattes. Cuz seriously... My PMS has not been this bad in a while and the only thing I can think of is that it's almost that special time and I've been drinking a lot of caffeine. So I'm gonna stop it and see if I feel better. Cuz this shit is ridiculous. But it started on Monday when I had that really shitty day and just went downhill from there.

Ugh I want to watch my Olga Kay!! I haven't updated what I've been learning about her for a while. Let's see... She never gave a reason for why she and her boyfriend broke up and as far as I can tell, YouTube is her life. Well, maybe not her WHOLE life, but when she's not doing her acting, she's editing, uploading, and making videos. But it seems like she is really enjoying life. I'm not sure if Jess and Joe are dating yet, I haven't seen them smooch or anything. But I'm still in last year. I think I'm at June or something. Jess finally told the world that Corrine is her daughter on Mother's day.

2:35am
 Ugh I cant sleep. James and I talked on the phone for a bit and worked things out, but he still doesn't get why I got mad. Well, at least I said something. The old me would have just let things go and maybe things would get better and maybe they wouldn't. But you see how that worked out. I never said anything to Barry about Sarah. And I should have, Chels. I should have been like, "how do I know I'm not a rebound?" and i should have protected my heart better. I shouldn't have let him get away with saying he liked me. I knew he was in love with Sarah and he was never like that with me. And then he ended up being a drug addict. So you know what? Maybe I do get a little crazy sometimes. But you know what? I could either hide it or own it. And tonight I chose to own it. I know I was being crazy. The whole time as I was going on and on and getting myself more and more upset, I knew in the back of my mind that he wasn't doing anything wrong. He wasn't shooting up or having sex with someone else. That's not even why I was upset. I was upset because he never answered me back when he usually does. And I was just saying that if he's going to be busy he should tell me and he started saying that he didn't know when he'd be busy cuz of emergencies and stuff. Hello... I live with my dad. I understand about emergencies. And I can deal with him being busy. It's not like I am just sitting around with my thumb up my ass waiting for him to text me. I am getting stuff done over here. But like... When you're in a relationship, it would be nice to get a head's up. Normally he would text me and tell me what he was doing. I didn't make him do that, it was just something he did on his own. And this week he didn't do that at all. So.... That's what I was upset about. It doesn't mean it has to make any sort of sense. It's just how I felt at the time. And if he's gonna be with me, he's going to have to deal with it sometimes. But now that I know that he might be working at that store part time at least, I'm not gonna worry so much about how often he texts me. I have my own stuff and my own life and frankly I'm glad I don't need to always explain myself to him. He doesn't know I take a tarot class and I don't want him to know. We will still talk and see each other at least once a week or twice, I dunno yet. But it works out better for me because I don't have to leave my dad home alone so much anymore. When I was seeing him a lot, I kinda felt bad about ditching my dad. Especially since it's my job to look after him. So... Either we will work things out and we'll make more of an effort to talk when we can or things won't work out. But I'm just me, I'm not perfect and sometimes things like this happens. He has to understand also that I'm new to this whole relationship/dating thing... The relationships I've been in in the past weren't really the best and I never got a chance to really know who they were due to different things. So this is the first time I felt like I got to choose for myself who I wanted and I'm attempting to have the best relationship that I can, because I don't want to keep repeating my old mistakes.

And speaking of which, let me just say this Larry talking to me again thing is very unsettling. He's still not ignoring me and it's freaking me out a little. But he still hasn't asked if I'm seeing anyone so... Maybe he's a chicken shit? Omg, I got to the part about David asking you to fool around with him. What a shithead. What a scumbag. And I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself. I'm so proud of you for saying no to him.  So nice of him, to be a drug dealer and not even give a shit about Winter. He deserves whatever happens to him, and Jess too if she knows about it. So nice of him to "provide" for his "family" yet only give Winter $300 and think that's enough for the rest of her life. Why does he even exist on this planet? Oh yeah, Lynne's vagina. Ugh I wish I could go back in time and make sure he was never conceived. Hehe that would be fun. Or I would try to make sure he wasn't born. Like kicked her in the stomach or pushed her down the stairs or something. Omg am I awful? I'm awful. Because if he never existed, neither would Winter. I was looking over the Winter section of the nb, and I feel your pain. I know you miss her and you have every right to. I still think that as long as she knows she can call you, she will. You've been in her life since she was 2. You loved her before you met her. I know it's a common thought to have, that one day she won't need you anymore. But you know what, one day she's gonna come back to you. One day she will show up on your doorstep. I can feel it in my bones. No matter how much that girl grows up, she will never forget you and she might get lost in the fray but she will find her way back. I get that you need to do what's best for you because of David. He's already doing a great job of forgetting about her. But you don't need him to have a relationship with her.
 I feel like if Kyle hadn't of been a shithead, I would have been able to watch those girls grow up and would have stayed part of the family. Because the girls loved me and it broke my heart that I couldn't stay with them. And it breaks my heart too to hear that mess with heather and Jessie. I wish I could be there for Jessica. My heart goes out to her. But I feel like it would be pointless to reach out, Lisa would start drama and that's the last thing I want. Heather can say what she wants but she's one to talk. She moved to Cali to be with a guy she met online and big shock, it's not working out the way she wanted. Well people make stupid choices. I dated her uncle. I can't believe someone married him. Ugh. But whatever. My point is that, as long as she wants a relationship with you and you let her know how much you love her, things will work themselves out. But I get moving on. James has a 12 year old boy and as of right now, I'm nothing more than a friend to that kid. He's not shy with me so maybe one day we will actually be able to have a conversation and get to know each other. It's not that I just want him to like me, but who am I to step in and start acting like his new mommy when I don't even know how things are going to work between James and I yet. Even if I ended up being a step mother to that kid, I can't see myself telling him what to do. He's not a bad kid, he just already has two parents. Ugh I am fucking exhausted. I'm gonna pee again and then try and get some sleep. I'm glad things are patched up with James and I. I know he didn't do anything wrong and I overreacted. But it still doesn't take away how I felt about the situation. And he could have done better in texting me beforehand instead of just going balls deep in a project and not even telling me anything. He doesn't think it's that big of a deal, and maybe it isn't. But to me it is. And especially when he normally wouldn't do that. That's all I'm saying.

Love, me

3:17am
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Dream diary
I don't even know how to begin to describe my dream to you. I was at the Barth house but it wasn't the one they live in now, it was a completely different one. And omg it was gorgeous!! My parents were there too, we were all invited for dinner or something I'm not sure. But the girls looked exactly the way they did back when I lived with them. But I could only find kaylee and kierstin.
I remember even Kyle was asking us what we wanted for dinner. But we were there for a completely different reason. I just have no idea what that reason was lol.
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song #8: Grey Matter lyrics

I hate you, I love you
Leave, please
Don't go away
Can't decide if
I like your face
Or if I wish
It would stray
(she is torn between loving someone and not being able to stand that person in equal measure)

You're a child but
You're malicious
You're sweet but
Don't remember my name
And heads you win
And tails I'm lost
And love equals pain
(his love is innocent yet manipulative and she is lost in his sea of mind games. In this relationship, all she knows is pain from what love is supposed to be like).

I am drifting
Without an anchor
Through your ambigous region
A strange continent
Immune to all reason
And I'm flattered by
Your grey matter
(she is drawn to him for reasons she doesn't understand and she doesn't know the rules of the particular game he's playing but it seems like she still enjoys him somehow).

Inside my skin
I feel your tongue
Telling me I'm dirty
And licking my bones
A surge against silence
A knife across a plate
Makes the sound
Of need on hate
(this is exactly how I have felt in past relationships. You feel someone carving away at you and it feels like you still love that person and need them but another part of you feels dead inside from carrying the pain for such a long time).

I am drifting
Without an anchor
Through your ambigous region
A strange continent
Immune to all reason
And I'm flattered by
Your grey matter

And I do not understand
Why a woman can't
Just love a man
(I don't understand this either... But it's the games people play with each other that makes love exceptionally hard).

You're amusing
You're a real cool show
With your meat hooks
And barbed wire carnival
(this is the show he puts on to keep her, also, getting his hooks in her).
You got glitter in your pocket
You got mothballs in your soul
From too many false teeth
And greasy flash bulbs
(this reminds me of someone who is putting on a show like at a circus or carnival... There's so many glitz and glamor but it's not real. After the show is finished there's so much to clean up and there's a whole big production into what goes into it that half the time it's not even worth buying the ticket).

I am drifting
Without an anchor
Through your ambigous region
A strange continent
Immune to all reason
And I'm flattered by
Your grey matter

I love you
I hate you


I picked this song mainly because it has such a haunting melody and it's so beautifully written.  It's about struggling between wanting someone and hating them because you're afraid to really trust them, maybe because they've hurt you in the past or just because you're simply afraid to trust someone and let that person into your heart.  if you have never heard it before, i suggest you take a listen.