10:13am
Hey sweets!!
So, I just woke up. I would still be asleep if my dreams weren't so damn weird. I remember them but I don't really want to write about them. The first one was obviously about "her". Except I was invited to a party over at Geoff's house and my mom came with me and when we got to the house she was going to say something shitty to Geoff's dad. So I was at the other end of the yard because my mom was already freaking me out and I saw her say something to Geoff's dad (which in real life is far from the truth completely). And then everyone got out of the pool and stood over by where I was. I started to go over to my mom and I found her being pushed in a wheelchair incognito but I knew it was her. And I forced her to take off the disguise and I told her to look at me so when she did she looked like she had been drugged or possessed or something. So that's when I woke up. It's obvious it was about me inviting someone to a party I was going to and them talking bad to the leader of the group and everyone flocking together to take my side. And she wore a disguise so the "her" that people met wasn't the real her, but she had already told me that she put her fake face on but no one responded well to that. Well duh. You put your fake face on in a group of women who are very much in tune with themselves and what do you think is going to happen? Of course people aren't going to respond well to that. They did accept me because I didn't do that at all. I felt like I was meant to be there and I was determined to go even though I felt like crap so I knew I was supposed to be there and it took a bit to warm up to people and there were some who didn't really talk to me but whatever. I made friends with pretty much everyone that I did talk to. Because I took more than 5 minutes of judgment and actually took in the experience as a whole.
I had another dream that was worse than that. But that one will never make it to you because I don't even want to touch that one.
So... Last night I ended up typing out the story and today I'm doing the same thing. I wrote in the nb a little bit while I was there and some of the things I wrote last night were the same or similar to the nb. I would have written in the nb more while I was there but I was having so much fun I just thought I would remember it. Which I did and am finishing telling you this morning. So my point is that when you read the nb and get to that part, you'll get more than one account of Friday night but you'll understand why I had to include everything.
So... Yay now for the positive stuff :). Okay. So, I was in the blue group. We were all split up into four groups of colors that had to do with the four elements, or directions. I was water, which is funny because I'm a Scorpio and a water sign. So, we were helping in the kitchen on Saturday morning. The yellow group was cooking the meals which was the group "she" was in but of course she didn't make it because she blew it off. You know, I just have to say that she was acting like she was the only one there who had any type of medical issue. But if she was going to use that as an excuse to be shitty to people then it's better that she wasn't there. It just pissed me off because even near the end she was trying to use it to get to me. But anyway...
The blue and yellow groups ended up working whatever jobs they felt comfortable with so some people were cooking and others were setting things up. After we got ready we had breakfast, which was beautiful (and if she would have been there, she would have been able to eat whatever she wanted). After that we had some time to get ready before our first workshop. The workshop was learning hand positions for the different chakras, different colors and what sound to make while working on that chakra. And after that workshop we had a movement one where the lady was showing us how to belly dance and she taught us flocking. I think her name is Nikki. She ended up being a really awesome person. After we were done with those two things, we broke for lunch and only took a half an hour or so for that. I sat underneath a canopy in the "lightning shrine" and at first Ze was there and she told me she'd be right back but then Angel came to sit by me and we had a really nice conversation. I didn't want to make it seem like I was latching onto her because she was the first friend I made there so I didn't want to make it seem like I was following her around. So when she came over by me to sit I was so happy that it wasn't just a friendship that I made up in my head lol. We talked about a lot of stuff. I told her about how I was afraid of my house for the first 20 years I lived in it until my dad had the stroke and I accepted my psychic abilities. And she told me about her life, that she was a mother figure to her sister because her mother was mentally ill and she married this guy she met through a role playing game. She had a husband before him but he was no good and she was into this game and he was her guild leader. They talked for 7 years online until her husband left and he came up for a visit to watch her children while she was at work. I guess she went through 6 family members who didn't want to watch them and he lived in Michigan (she in Ohio) so he came down to watch them for her and he would just do that. Just make the drive every weekend just to see her. She ended up moving to Michigan and then Indiana and now she lives in Illinois. Which makes me happy because it means I will get to see her ::squee!!:: and yes I have a picture of us.
So... I think it was after that that we all gathered around again and then broke for craft time. We all made necklaces out of chakra colors but mine ended up way too short so I'm gonna use it to hang off my rearview mirror. After the craft (next year the theme of the weekend retreat will be a wedding in which we will marry ourselves. We will all have our wedding dresses and the craft will be our veils. I can't wait because it means I will still get the wedding I've always wanted, just for myself. I'm still going to make my own dress. I think I'm just going to end up making the bottom though and buying the top because I want a corset top. And I want the bottom to be lots and lots of colors in chiffon fabric. I think I'll have purple as the main color, then pink, green, and blue. Maybe the underneath part can be white, like the slip. But I don't really want that) we had a couple hours to ourselves for dinner and to shower and get ready for the night's ritual. There is this place called the thunder dome and it's this actual dome. It was set up with 4 altars at the 4 corners and I of course jumped at the chance to light all the candles. So, we all meet up at the long hall and get smudged and Ze puts this stuff on our third eye chakra. Each group was supposed to do something special to call the corners and we had talked about an ameba. At first I kind of thought it was dumb but when I saw what the one lady was going to say and contributed to how we were going to connect to each other, it turned out that ours was the best one. Not that there's a right way and a wrong way to call the corners but ours did kick ass, lol.
So... We each had our candle with us and we sang this song all the way down:
"there is no place but here
There is no time but now
In the sacred we do stand
In the Circle hand in hand".
And then we proceeded to follow each other into the circle to our directions. Then each section put the candles in the fire pit and called their corner and then we started. Ze talked about healing. She wanted us first to shake our rattles and concentrate on the sound of the chakra that we needed to work on the most and then make a huge noise at the end. I ended up finishing that part up because I just screamed, lol. The next healing was for our friends and families. I of course sent some to you :). And then we sent healing energies to the world. Well, the earth anyhow. After that happened I just started bawling, I guess whatever was released into the universe was also released from me. I concentrated on my heart chakra because my heart was what I needed to heal the most. I think that's why I've been able to stay so calm, too. So... After that we sang this song that always makes me cry, even just thinking about it. It goes:
"fire transform me
Bring me to my passion
Fire transform me
Bring me to my passion
I choose life--YES!!
I choose courage.
I choose life--YES!!
I choose courage
To dance among the flames
To dance among the flames
The reason why it makes me tear up is because that's exactly how I made it through my break up with my ex. I chose to stand up for myself and my own life and I chose to be brave and do the hard thing and end things because I knew I could never trust him again after what he did. I had to put myself back together and I did. So I think that's why that one makes me cry. Because I have been the bravest I've ever been and i chose myself. I chose to live and dance among the flames. :). And yes I'm tearing up a little bit right now, too lol.
Anyway so after we did that, the circle ended and the music started. There were men there but they weren't a part of the ritual itself. They were guardians or watchers. They were invited in only after we were done with our thing and one guy played the drums and another one built a fire in the fire pit and another one was bringing us water. It made me think that maybe my next boyfriend should be pagan lol because maybe he would know how to be in tune with himself and not afraid of someone like me. Hehe. The only problem is I know absolutely no men who believe in anything remotely similar to what I do. But I do know that whatever man God brings to me next will have to be strong and secure in himself to be with me. Because this isn't a part of me I want to hide ever again. I think Brian was the closest I ever came to someone like that but he ended up being a complete asshole. So... I dunno lol. We will just have to see.
Well, after the ritual the drums started and people started dancing. At first I was just trying to step to the music but it still felt a little awkward to me, to dance and move around in a circle at the same time. After a while I stopped and went back to my group and Jordan was saying how she wanted her group leader to go to sleep so she could enjoy herself because her group leader had a really crappy attitude throughout the whole thing. So she felt like she couldn't enjoy herself while her leader was watching. But I held out my hand and said, "come on!!" and we held hands and danced around and spun each other around and I just felt so free at that moment. There was nothing between the earth and my feet and it didn't matter how my body looked, I was among friends and sisters. It was absolutely amazing. I have never danced like that or knew that I could feel that way.
And after the dancing part was mostly over, we stayed and talked for a while. I ended up playing a drum while the guy still continued to play and a couple of people danced. And then I found Angel and we talked about the tarot card group that Ze organized and I have yet to go to lol. But there is one this week and yes I am totally going!!! After a while I was getting freezing cold so we went over to the fire and I just happened to look up and saw the most amazing meteor ever. I ended up seeing a lot of meteors that night but absolutely nothing compared to seeing that first one. I'm pretty sure I was the only person to see the actual meteor but I told everyone to look and they saw the stardust that it left. And even that was still pretty amazing. So, a group of us decided to meet at lightning and see if we could see any more. I grabbed a blanket and laid down on the grass and we actually ended up seeing a few. Eventually I had to grab my sleeping bag because it was freezing cold but the bottom of my bag was warm because the tent itself had been in the sun all day so the ground beneath it was still warm. So I came back and tucked myself in and saw some more meteors and then went to sleep.
The next morning I had to get up because blue group was in charge of the actual cooking of the breakfast so we did that and ate breakfast. Then there was supposed to be a walking meditation but I'm pretty sure I missed it. I did end up sitting in on a council meeting. Oh... We did gift exchanges in the morning. I'm not sure if I told you this story already and if I did I'm sorry. But oh that reminds me of a part of Saturday that I missed lol. So... We each had to bring something from our altar. I ended up bringing this rock with the word joy on it. And I ended up giving my candle to a girl named joy. Yes, I did tell you that part.
So, Saturday after lunch Joy helped us with a guided meditation to find out who our totem guardians were. You know how there's different animals on a totem pole? Well, there are also animals associated with each chakra. What I mean by that is, think of a place on your body you always seem to have trouble with. This is associated with a certain emotion and the animal having to do with that emotion is associated with whatever happens when that chakra is blocked. So there are at least 7 different animals associated with each emotion associated with each chakra. So we went through this guided meditation to find out who those animals were, how they were helping us, what gift they had for us, what message, and what did they look like. One of my guides was named Joy. I thought that was cool considering she was guiding the meditation. I don't know if it was really her but it had the same name. So... After that was finished we did the crafting and after that had some lunch and got ourselves ready for the ritual. And on Sunday morning when we exchanged gifts, I ended up getting Joy's gift. I got a gift for "her" too since she didn't bother to show up but since she had such a bad attitude I decided not to even tell her about the gift. And I ended up keeping it for myself and I'm pretty happy that I did.
Anyways, after that we kind of just did our own thing until it was time to go. I took a shitload of pictures which will of course go in the next nb and you know the rest of the story. So yeah, that was my trip. All in all, I had a fabulous time. I wish certain things would have been different, but it was a learning experience and next time I go there (and oh yes, there will be a next time), someone will not be coming with me.
I honestly don't know what I'm gonna do about her. I mean... On the one hand I do see a lot of good there. But like... The behavior she exuded this weekend just turned me off completely and I ended up shielding myself so she really had no idea what my experience was like. She was pissed that I didn't feel the same way she did about it. Well no one told her she HAD to come with me and I gave her an out plenty of times. She had told me that she had a vision of herself getting her period and she was having PMS but didn't think anything would happen but it did anyways and then decided that camping was still a great idea. My mom said that she never planned to actually stay there and the only reason why I took her tent was because mine turned out to be really stinky. But I felt like I was being pushed onto that as well and she kept talking about her tent like she didn't understand why I had to bring mine. But I did anyways and didn't even help her set hers up. The thing that gets me the most though was that when we were on our way home she was complaining that her car was having trouble and she didn't know why she was having so many problems with her life. I know why... She brings them upon herself. I mean, I know I've said this before but she really went out of her way to make sure she controlled every aspect of my trip. Her car, her time table, everything according to her. She just couldn't stand the thought of me not needing her so much. But you know... She really did all of this to herself and if she keeps it up, I'm gonna have to drop her. I already got pissed at her once because she tried to force door county on me when I didn't have any money to go. I mentioned that I wanted to take Geoff camping up there with me and she said that she got a house with enough room. And I was just thinking, "did you not hear me? Geoff and I will be camping.". That means that I will be in another place entirely. But who knows if that's gonna end up happening anyway?
Alright my dear, I need to start waking up. And by that I mean brushing my teeth so I can hop into bed again and watch some more Olga Kay before I have to start getting ready to have lunch with my aunt (it's her bday today). Love you!
Daisy
11:58am
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~book review~
Marked
This is the first book of the "house of night" series, about a girl whose life was changed when a vampyre (that's how the word is spelled in this book) marks her. She now has to leave home and go to this house of night school where, if the change doesn't kill you, you learn how to become an adult vampyre with your powers and everything. She is upset because ever since her mom married some crazy uber Christian guy, her home life sucked so her only real family are her school friends. But nobody likes vampyres in this book so everyone freaks out when someone gets marked. Right now she's at her gramma's house, who taught her a whole bunch of Cherokee Indian stuff and this vampyre thing is a part of her destiny. Will read more in a bit!!
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10:12pm
hey chels,
I have to get this in the nb before it gets to be too long. i'm going to hand copy it because i'm trying to conserve paper and also, when i typed out the entries before, i didn't really like it. but yeah. today was a great but tiring day. i got a new journal. i had this brilliant upon brilliant idea today. apparently these goddess retreats are once a year, around the same time every year. so i really thought about what sort of gift i wanted to have for the next one. so... what do i do best? journals!!! so... i got this idea that i am going to write in this journal and then wrap it up in some kind of really cool scarf type thing. like... i don't want it to be just about me and whatever. i want it to be about my journey through this life, stuff i've learned and am still learning, really cool stuff that i find inspirational, and so on and so forth. also, i am going to take pictures and put them in of my favorite places and favorite things. and when i go on my little adventures, i'm going to take souveniers to put in the book like stickers, business cards, flyers, etc. i got a journal big enough to where i could do that because the one that i wanted was really tiny and it wouldn't fit everything that i want to fit. the kicker is that i'm just going to open up to a random... hmmm i just had a thought. if i just open the journal up to a random page, i have to make the note i write only a page long. i can make it two pages if it's front and back. you know how i can just write and write and write. i need to be careful and keep my thoughts short. but i thought i would take it everywhere with me and then write until a certain point and then if the note was too long i could say "to be continued..." or something. or just keep the notes short. i think that will be good too so i don't finish the whole thing in like 3 weeks, lol. but yeah. i'm going to number the pages as i open the book so... page 1 will be somewhere random, then page 2, and so on. ooooooHHHH!!!!!!! or... if i'm writing something and it's going to take more than 2 pages (one page front and back), i can always open the book up to another random page and then write from there. so the person will have to look for page 3. i'm not sure why i want to do things this way instead of just a normal book but it's what i've been inspired to do so i'm not gonna question it, i'm just gonna go with it and see where it leads me. i personally think it would be flipping awesome to get a book like that, where you have to flip through the pages to find the next page to the story. i think most things will still be one to two pages though. i'm not going to write about things that are going on in my everyday life. i'm going to write about the things i went through as a child that made me different, how i knew at an early age that i wasn't like other people and had a really hard time connecting to my peers, and how i became the person i am now. i don't want it to be like a conceited kind of way, but if i got a book like that where someone opened up their soul to me even though they didn't even know who i was, i would treasure that forever. i feel like i've been called to share my story and it's exactly what i'm going to do. everyone has their stories of how they've got to be at the place they are now, and i think my story is pretty cool. you already know it :). but also, if i was new to a place and was unsure of how to go about things (like when i was a solitary and i wanted so badly to feel like i was part of a group and found "her"), i wouldn't want to go through that alone if i didn't have to. i'm not saying that my word is gospel, i'm not trying to get anyone to believe what i believe, i'm simply just stating that this is what i learned and i want to share it with you. and also i think it would be cool to share my thoughts with a complete stranger. anyone who would find themselves at that place is already in the mindset that they're among friends no matter what so i guess that is why i feel completely comfortable enough to talk about myself to a stranger. it's not something i would talk about with certain people, not even people who i have known for a long while. i don't think they would judge me, i just think that it's not something that anyone would get unless they knew about being wiccan or pagan or followed some type of spiritual path. i'm in no way negating God, Jesus or the holy spirit. of course i still believe in the God i've been taught to pray to. i just believe in the power of nature, also. listening to nature, sending thoughts out to the wind, creating energy, learning about myself in the most raw and open kind of way, it's pretty amazing. this is the path i've always felt like i've been trying to get on, but now i've been through enough to finally realize what that actually means. that i'm a part of something bigger than even i realize and that's really amazing. i wish you could have come to the retreat. i know that you would have at least made the effort to get to know people and wouldn't have completely been a little bitch about everything. i wish i could have taken beverly, too. dammit, why do you two have to live so fucking far away from me on opposite directions of this country? bah humbug. lol.
anyway... i'm going back to lothorian next month!! it's for this festival called wild magick... it's basically a 3 day festival where during the day there's vendors selling stuff and lots of stuff going on and at night there's a drum circle and dancing. so there's no way i'm passing it up. and guess who i'm not even going to tell i'm going? you guessed it. she's not even invited to the ren fair anymore. i'm going to tell her i got my period and feel too much like shit to go anywhere and then take geoff and my parents with me anyways. i'm not going anywhere with her anymore. it's just not worth it to me. i'm not completely done with her but i'm completely done with anything having to do with her taking me anywhere. i can drive myself wherever i've got to go. i'm serious. even if we made plans to go shopping and she wants to come pick me up, she will always be late no matter what. i'm fucking sick of it. at this point i don't even want to talk to her and i told whoever was listening that i haven't decided what i'm going to do yet but if i do, i don't want anyone to attempt to reconcil us. i'm done with people trying to control me. especially people who i trusted. she pissed me off before and i let it go and then bam. this was just too much. her behavior makes me not ever want to go anywhere with her ever again. we were talking about another trip and i told her i had a friend who lived in st petersburg, florida after she got done talking about it and you know what she said? she said that she knew of a property that was $140/night/person. i'm like... HELLO, I JUST TOLD YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO LIVES THERE!! why would i spend however much of my money to stay there for however long and not be able to do ANYTHING when i have someone who lives there and would probably let me stay at her house for free? HELLOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! ugh. i'm upset at this whole thing but i'm still like, too tired to really let myself feel mad. unless that's just an emotion that i'm over right now lol. i have more important things to worry about. like olga kay and then glorious sleep. i just hope it's a little bit better tonight than it was last night.
alright, i'm gonna get some sleep. i'm gonna work on getting all of this in the nb before i end up writing a novel, lol. but i'm probably going to end up journalling to you this way for a while, at least until i catch up. and if i keep writing like this... who knows if i ever will? but i'll end up using this as a regular journal so it's not like you're ever missing anything.
love you!
rita aka daisy :)
akaa (and known also as) rita bo bita. hehe.
10:42pm
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