September 2nd, 2012

September 2nd, 2012
11:44pm

Hey Chels,
What up?  I'm trying to figure out how I want to finish my journal to myself.  I have been writing all these LJ entries so I can finish up my own personal nb, but now I think there's too much and while that's a good thing, I don't want to print too much and then have extra pages and nowhere to put them.  Because I don't know if I want another 5 subject notebook for myself or what.  But how does this sound?  I'm going to see how many pages I have left to finish, then copy that many entries.  And whatever I have over is going into my LJ which I'll later on turn into a book when I have enough pages.  And I will get a smaller journal so I can fit it in my purse and write by hand if I want to.  But I think it's time to finally finish my own journal and start turning my journals into books and continue sharing my story in that form.  I still want to figure out how to make books via Kinkos but I think Lulu.com is cheaper.  I think one day I'm just gonna go to Kinko's and show them my book and see how much it will cost to make a real book.  A part of me just wants to copy the word parts and leave the pictures but... I would really like to have everything if I could.
Ugh... sorry that was just running through my head.  I just have so many projects I'm on the verge on finishing but haven't done so yet.  But the important thing is that I'm working on it!!!

I can't believe that I have 3, almost 4 notebooks to be sent off to you. (I have 3 that are waiting to get sent to you I just need to type them up and finish what I need to before sending them off to you).  I feel like I haven't worked on anything for a really long time.  Ever since that goddess retreat, time feels different to me. Remember when I was saying that when I got back from the retreat, time felt different?  Like, my life before the retreat and after were completely different?  I still feel that way.  Like... it doesn't feel like I haven't spoken to Monique in 2 weeks, it feels like she's never been a part of my life.  And it doesn't feel like I have only known James for a month, it feels like he's always been a part of my life.  I just feel that comfortable with him.  And I remember all these projects I had going before the retreat, but some of them don't feel as important now as other ones do.  It's just weird to me that one minute I'm trucking along working on all this nbs and studying and enjoying my summer as a free woman and then the next minute i'm still doing these things and still free but time doesn't mean the same thing anymore.  Like... I seriously cannot believe that in one month and 25 days I will be 30 years old.  Well, 24 days now because in one minute it'll be tomorrow, lol.  I've just had so many crazy experiences this year.  I broke up with Barry while he was in jail, I joined a support group, I had sex with a guy I was friends with in high school who I never would have looked at otherwise had he not opened that door and instead of freaking out about it all the time I learned to let go of what wasn't and just saw it for what it was: he was taking advantage of the situation.  I helped out at Swedish Days, I had the opportunity to meet a friend I've known for 11 years but turned it down for a 4th of July party and had a wonderful time, I started getting more pedicures, I read (and am still reading) a lot of books, I met someone new who I really like, I went to Door County (that was back in April), I actually enjoyed my freedom, I went on a goddess retreat, got farther in my studying, went to Indianapolis to hang out with Barry's cousin Stephanie and a month later had to cut her out of my life, had to cut lots of other people out of my life as well, met lots of cool new people, joined a tarot study group, got my car fixed... the list goes on. And it's only September now.  Every year is filled with lots of stuff, lots of new opportunities, lots of things to learn and go through.  But this year has been the first year that I've really tried to understand my life and what it means and what I want out of the rest of it.  This is the first year that I've really taken a look at myself and really fought for what was best for me.  I've always put my own feelings aside for what other people wanted, especially in relationships.  I'm not sure why I was so okay with cutting friends out but I couldn't do the same for someone I was sleeping with.  But this is the first time I've stood up for myself.  I slept with Larry because I wanted to.  At the time it made sense to me because I always liked him but I never thought that he was just like every other guy and would reject me the way he did.  But little by little I let go and I guess once I knew that he just wanted to be friends, I didn't feel bad for moving on.

I could have done a lot worse.  I could have slept with everything that moved.  But at least if I was going to sleep with someone it would be someone I knew already.  I feel like at the time it was what I needed to get me through but I'm not sure it would have worked out anyway.  Especially when he wasn't there for me when my dad was sick.  That was NOT okay.  I really hope that my dad doesn't have anything more like that but if he does at least I know that James would be there for me and he would answer his damn phone and even drive to the hospital if he had to or if I wanted him to.  And I've only known him for a month. I've known Larry for almost half my life and that's how he treated me.  Kind of fucked up, I think.  Well... I know the other guys in my life would be there for me too who have known me just as long but I wasn't sleeping with any of them at the time, lol.

I asked for the goddess to open up my heart and let love in and I'm pretty sure I got what I asked for.  Not from other people, but for myself.  I can honestly say that I love myself enough to know what I deserve out of life, out of my friends and out of the man I choose to love and share my life with.  And if he hurts me and breaks my heart I have no problems kicking his ass to the curb!  Hehe.

I have a lot more to write but as usual I'm really freaking tired so I'm gonna take a little break and then write some more before I go to sleep.  I love you!

Love,
Rita

12:16am
september 3rd, 2012
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~book review~
The coffin club

Yep, I decided to give these books another chance, and I'm glad that I did. This one was actually pretty cool. It's summer vacation and Raven is visiting her aunt in Hipsterville. Her real motive is to find her boyfriend and bring him back to Dullsville but of course she has her own adventures. So she goes to the coffin club to find her man and she accidentally finds this underground club filled with real vampires. She learns that Jagger is not back in Romania as Alexander thought, but he's here in town and he created this secret club. He created it under the guise that vampires can come there and be safe but what he really wanted was to overtake the town and not have to live in secrecy anymore. I think that's a horrible idea... Unless he wants the town to be called Vampireville lol. But anyway, so there is this new vampire in town that Raven feels immediately drawn to and he wants to remain peaceful and keep the club on lockdown so its members can continue to feel safe. So in the end there was a vote and this new guy won but Jagger blew Raven's cover. The new guy saved her and she felt bad for lying to her man so she went to go find him but he was already gone until she found out that it had been him all along and that's why he was in Hipsterville in the first place... To stop Jagger from gaining sole custody of the club. Woot woot!! Two more books to go and then I'm done with this series!