September 18th, 2012

September 18th, 2012
 12:07am

Hey Chels,
 Hey sweets!! Well, the rest of the festival was great. I'm not really sure if I can describe the festival in detail but I will say that I had the best time ever. There were a lot more people than at the goddess retreat and it was a bunch of activities during the day followed by dancing at night. And yep there were even people having sex. But that's just the beauty of the land. I was thinking a lot about how these people got there, and how do they function in everyday life and then it hit me that to them, Lothlorien is really the only place a lot of people feel safe enough to show who they really are. And also, I finally am starting to feel like I have a place to belong. I know that I have a place to belong to already but I mean... I've been sitting on my true self for too long, always afraid of showing too much or afraid of just finding out how strong I really am. I wouldn't classify myself as Wiccan so much as just spiritual. What I really mean by finding a place to belong is that no one is going to tell me that I'm stupid for feeling a certain way and my voice gets heard. I'm not afraid to sing in front of people, in fact I really enjoyed singing my heart out :). And during a goddess ritual on Saturday night, I got to call a corner. It was awesome. The women who were at wild magick who were also at the goddess retreat got to do a ritual Saturday night. We went around from campsite to campsite singing a song and giving people candles and inviting them to our ritual and by the time I got down to the thunder dome, the place was packed. The ritual was about lighting torches, igniting the passion within ourselves and lighting up the world. It was a great thing to be a part of. There were four torches for 4 elements and as each element was called (I got to call water), their section of log was lit and on the top of this log there were 4 different colors of fire. It was awesome to see. I'm not going to be biased and say that ours was the best ritual, but I feel that ours was definitely the best organized and I'm pretty sure ours was the most attended.
 I did manage to get some cool stuff, but I didn't really shop for anyone besides myself. I just saw stuff that I felt like I needed that I ended up getting for myself. But if there was something that screamed your name, of course I would have gotten it for you.

Sharing a tent with Angel was fun, too. She is just an awesome person to talk to and she told me that when she first met me she felt this strong feeling like I was supposed to be a little sister to her and she is excited to watch me grow in this spiritual journey. And she also said that if it wasn't for me, she wouldn't have had the courage to go around and sit with different people and come out of her shell a bit. I wasn't glued to her side 100% of the time, but I felt more comfortable if I knew where she was. And I thought it was cool that we each had our own sides to the tent and respected each other's space. I know exactly what it would have looked like had I shared a tent with Monique: her shit would be everywhere and I'd have this little tiny corner of the tent and I'd be stepping all over her stuff. And she'd have this huge air mattress and I'd have this little itty bitty thing to sleep on and she'd be complaining of whatever the whole time. So yeah... Not sorry I missed that.

All in all, it was an awesome trip and I'm so glad that I went. I'm so proud of myself too for opening up to people and letting people see the real me. It's been a long time coming. I mean, I know I can talk to you about everything and in these notebooks I bare my soul to you. I'm not saying that I can't tell you things. Because I know that I can. But there are just certain people that I have to share only a piece of myself with and I wish I could share more but for whatever reason, it just can't be so. All of this new Pagan/Wiccan/witch stuff isn't about any of those things. It's just about me feeling like I've found where I'm supposed to be in life. I mean, I wish upon all wishes that you could come with me on these ventures. I wish that we could experience the goddess retreats together. I know for a fact that you have abilities you have yet to tap into, or maybe you're just finding it out for yourself like I am. But seriously, I really would love for you to be able to be with me when I'm on my journeys. You are with me in spirit and maybe that's how it has to be for now. But one day... It will happen. You will come with me and experience your own magic. :).

I know that you are a Christian and I know that you have faith in God. I do too. I will always believe in God and Jesus and the holy spirit as the trinity. But I also know that you have this side of you, this creative, wild, happy and free side that is rooted in the very core of your being. I also know that you have psychic abilities. You don't trust them yet but I know for a fact that they're there. You can read me like a book. You know my moods just from whatever I put on my fb or if I text something to you and if something feels off, you ask me if I'm okay. I only have that with very special people. Also, during those two years where we had to reconstruct our friendship, I literally felt wrong. I felt like a part of me was missing, like my arm or something. I have never had that experience with anyone else. I would fight with people but either we just werent meant to be in each other's life or the bond wasn't strong enough. But I felt everything you were going through. I knew that our friendship was different because we are a part of each other. I'm not trying to be creepy or anything lol, I'm just saying that we are true soul sisters. I can feel the connection I have with you and I know that you can feel the connection you have with me, too. And I'm so glad that we're finally in a place where we can read each other so well that we just don't get into fights because we respect each other and just try and understand before anything else. If we don't agree on something, at least we know where the other person is coming from and frankly, that's all that matters to me.

You are just one special breed of human. I honestly have no clue where I would be without you. You have a very special spot in my heart and I believe that there is a whole lot more for us. I can't wait to see what these next 10 years will bring us.

Alright, darling. I would love to continue writing but I need sleep badly. I love you!!!

Love,
 Rita
 12:49am
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Carlisle Cullen
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Name: Carlisle Cullen
Date of birth: circa 1640
Date of transformation: 1663, at approximately age 23
Source of transformation: an ancient vampire living in the sewers of London
Place of origin: London, England
Hair color: blonde
eye color: blue (human); gold/black (vampire)
height: 6'2''
Physical description: Carlisle has a well-toned medium frame, collar-length hair, and movie-star good looks.  He has a slight English accent from his youth, although he can speak with a flawless American accent.
special abilities: he does not possess a quantifiable supernatural ability.
education/occupation: he has attended many universities, both as a student and as a professor.  he has studied a variety of subjects, ranging from science to music, and typically works as a doctor.
Hobbies: he collects art and books.
Vehicle: a black Mercedes S55 AMG
Family/coven relationships: he is married to Esme Cullen and considers Edward Cullen, Rosalie Hale, Emmett Cullen, Alice Cullen, and Jasper Hale his children; Bella Cullen his daughter-in-law, and Renesmee Cullen his granddaughter.

Personal history:
Carlisle's father was his only family.  His mother died giving birth to him, and he had no siblings.
An Anglican pastor, Carlisle's father was a crusader against evil, leading hunts through London and the surrounding areas for witches, werewolves, and vampires.  Self-righteous and compassionless, Carlisle's father caused many innocent people to be burned.
When he grew too old, he put Carlisle in charge of these raids.  However, Carlisle has a very different temperament.  He was not as quick to see evil where there was none.  He was smart and persisent, though, and he eventually discovered an actual coven of vampires living in the sewers.  He gathered a group of hunters and they waited for darkness to fall, suspecting that this was when the vampires would come out.
When a thirsty vampire did emerge, he attacked the hunters.  Two were killed and Carlisle was wounded.  Knowing that anything infected by the monster would be burned, Carlisle hid himslef in a nearby cellar.  During the transformation he never cried out, despite the agony he felt.  When it was finally over and he realized what he had become, he was horror-struck.  He tried to destroy himself by jumping from great heights and attempting to drown himself.  When these methods didn't work, he tried to starve himself to death.
A newborn vampire's thirst is overwhelming, but Carlisle found the strength to resist.  Months passed, and Carlisle, filled with self-loathing, kept to the loneliest places he could find, places where he wouldn't stumble across a human.  He understood his willpower was weakening.
One night a herd of deer passed by and, crazed with thirst, Carlisle attacked without thinking.  After feeding, he felt his strength and sense of self return, and he realized he could live without killing human beings.  He would feed on animals, just as he always had, drinking their blood now instead of eating their flesh.  Knowing that his father would hate him no matter how he lived his new life, Carlisle never returned home.  He watched his father a few times from a distance but never made contact.
Carlisle had always been eager to learn, and now he had unlimited time.  By night he studied music, science, and medicine in the universities of Europe.  During his travels Carlisle encountered others of his kind.  Most vampires Carlisle crossed paths with responded to his natural amicability; in this way he is a novelty among vampires.
While studying in Italy in the early 1700s, Carlisle was discovered by the Volturi, an ancient coven of vampires founded by Aro, Caius, and Marcus.  The vampires of this coven were very different from the sewer-dwellers of London. They were refined and cultured, and Carlisle admired their civility.  But Aro, Caius, and Marcus never stopped trying to change Carlisle's aversion to what they calld his "natural food source," and Carlisle never stopped trying to persuade them of the value of his pro-human philosophy.  Over time, a legend formed among the humans in Italy of a strengoni benefici, or "good vampire," who was the avowed enemy of evil vampires, though Carlisle was always on friendly terms with the Volturi.  After about two decades in Italy, Carlisle decided to travel to the New World.  He was growing increasingly lonely and longed to find other vampires who believed there was a life for them that didn't involve murder.
When Carlisle reached America, things didn't change for him the way he'd hoped.  He didn't find other vampires like him. He was, however, able to begin a career in medicine.  He felt that by saving human lives he could compensate in some measure for the existence of vampires.
Carlisle couldn't risk more than a cordial acquaintance with his coworkers, for fear of exposing what he was, and his enforced solitude and lack of intimacy pained him.  So he began to deliberate creating a companion.  However, he was reluctanct to steal a life the way his had been stolen.
For decades he debated with himself about whether or not it was right to doom another to the life of a vampire.  The plea of a dying woman, Elizabeth Masen, helped him make his decision.  In 1918, Carlisle was working nights at a hospital in Chicago as an epidemic of Spanish influenza raged through the city.  Elizabeth's husband died in the first wave of the epidemic, but Elizabeth and her teenage son, Edward, managed to stay alive for a while longer.  Carlisle was with Elizabeth on her last night.  She begged him to save her son, intuiting that Carlisle was more than what he seemed.  She died less than an hour later.  Her son lay in the room with her, his own death imminent.  The goodness and purity in Edward's face finally convinced Carlisle to take action.  Carlisle bit Edward, effecting his transformation.
Both Carlisle and Edward were surprised to discover Edward's ability to read minds, but due to his experience with the Volturi, Carlisle quickly understood the phenomenon.
Carlisle and Edward began travelling together, using the cover story that Edward was the younger brother of Carlisle's late wife.  In 1921, they moved to Ashland, Wisconsin, and there the Cullen coven gained another member.  While working in a local hospital, Carlisle was called to the bedside of a young woman grievously injured in a suicide attempt.  Carlisle was surprised to recognize Esme Evenson, whom he had treated for a broken leg about ten years earlier, when she was a teenager.  It was almost impossible for him to believe that that vivacious, beautiful girl had come to this tragic end. Carlisle knew he could not save her life through conventional methods.
Influenced by his memory of the happy girl Esme had been, Carlisle bit the dying woman and took her to the home he shared with Edward to wait for the transformation to be complete.  When it was over, Carlisle apologized for what he had done, but Esme was not unhappy with the situation.  She remembered their first meeting, too, and had always considered Carlisle her ideal of a gentleman.  Carlisle and Esme soon fell in love and were married.  The coven's cover story now changed: Edward began to be introduced as Esme's brother.  In many ways, however, Edward regarded Carlisle as his father and Esme as his mother.  Carlisle now had more than the companion he'd longed for; he had a family.
Carlisle wasn't expecting the coven to get any bigger, but one night while on his way to work at a hospital in Rochester, New York, he discovered the nearly lifeless body of Rosalie Hale laying in the road.  She had been beaten, sexually assaulted, and left for dead.  Struck by the waste of a beautiful young life, Carlisle brought Rosalie home and transformed her, hoping in the back of his mind that one day she might be a companion for Edward.
Two years later, Rosalie had only reluctantly assimilated to vampire life.  The relationship Carlisle had hoped would spark between her and Edward hadn't happened.  So when Rosalie carried the dying Emmett McCarty to Carlisle and begged Carlisle to change him, Carlisle did as she asked.  Rosalie wanted a companion of her choosing, and Carlisle felt he could make amends to her in this way.
At this point Carlisle and his family moved to Washington State, west of the Olympic Peninsula.  To his surprise, he discovered a local Native American tribe who had the ability to transform into wolves.  The Quileutes had previous experience with vampires, whom they called the cold ones, and they considered it their sacred duty to protect humans from them.
Unwilling to harm the werewolves, Carlisle brokered a treaty with the leader of the pack, Ephraim Black, utilizing Edward's mind-reading abilities to communicate.  The treaty established boundary lines for both the Cullens and the Quileutes. The Cullens agreed never to hurt a human, which included never transforming a human into a vampire, since the Quileutes considered transformation the same as killing.  Both the vampires and the werewolves promised to keep the true nature of the other secret from humans.
The family continued to move when necessary, and in Denali, Alaska, Carlisle found what he'd been looking for when he set off for America--a coven of vampires who shared his philosophy and drank only animal blood.  The two covens ended up close friends, viewing each other as extended family.
The Cullen family grew when they were joined by Alice Brandon and Jasper Whitlock, who had been traveling together as a couple.  Since the family was now quite large, a new cover story was devised.  Edward, Alice, and Emmett were now said to be the adopted children of Carlisle and Esme.  Jasper and Rosalie, who looked alike, were passed off as Esme's twin orphaned cousins.
Eventually, the Cullen family returned to Washington State, this time to Forks, somewhat north of their previous location.  Carlisle took a job at Forks Hospital and became well regarded in the community as a doctor and a citizen.