August 16th, 2012

August 16th, 2012

Holy shit, Chels!
do you realize what day it is??  it's august 16th, 2012.  exactly 10 years ago today i met my exboyfriend, mike, and sometime between then and my birthday of that year i met you.  so we have officially known each other for a whole decade.  holy shit!!!!!!!!  the things we have been through these past 10 years, i will tell you... well, you know already lol.

so how was your day?  i didn't get to hear from you, i hope you're doing okay.  so... i had a very long and quite eventful day today.  first, i went out with my friend Mark.  he had been acting weird, like he liked me, ever since he saw my page on okcupid (kind of another reason why i disabled it). i think he thought that i was out there looking so i must be ready for something if i was putting myself out there.  so today we went for sushi and then we went to go see the movie Brave, which i loved soooooo much!  and then we get home (well, he drops me off), and then he asks me if i'd like to go on a date with him sometime.  and all i could think of was, "fuck.  not now!!!!"  but i just told him that i'd think about it.  it's not the fact that i think he's an awful person or i hate him or anything, in fact he's a really good person.  i just feel like i'm not the one for him.  there's someone else out there for him.  that and he doesn't give me the feelings.  so... i went inside and talked to larry because his last fb post was kind of scary and i told him he doesn't have to tell me what it was about but i'm here for him and he told me that a friend of his has cancer and i'm guessing that by the way he said it and his facebook post and everything... the prognosis isn't very good.  so i told him that if he needs to talk to someone or just get a hug or a drinking buddy or whatever i'm here for him.  and then i did something unexpected.
i told larry how i felt about him.  i know i've done this before, but this time it was different.  i didn't even want to have this conversation right now, especially with what he had just told me and he even told me that he wasn't even in the right mindset to think about anything which is completely fine.  he also told me that i shouldn't turn down something that could be great just because there might be a chance that he and i might hook up.  i told him that i know that.  but he knew me before i knew me and that doesn't come around often and he said that was true, that it doesn't.  i also told him that my feelings about him weren't all about what's happened between us this year.  but those things just helped me realize what was already there.  but it wasn't just about him it was about me too.  like i know that i am not ready for anything to happen yet i'm just saying how i feel and also that i'm not ready to let go of the feelings i have but if i have to then i will eventually and he said that he could understand that.

it felt completely different this time than it did the last time i talked about how i felt with him.  i think enough time has gone by now to where i've healed enough that i can discern my feelings of being completely broken from my ex to my feelings for another person who i've known for a long time and who i've always been able to talk to and trust and think of as a friend and maybe one day more than that.  he already knows that i wouldn't have slept with him at all if i didn't feel something besides friendship for him.  it was just... the most honest i've ever been and i'm not sure why i picked now, especially with all of this other stuff he's got going on, to be that honest with him but i think i felt like it was time because i got asked out by another person.  and i know i'm strong enough to deal with it if i have to let go of the feelings i have for him.  that just means he has to miss out on being with me (like i've said that before and i didn't say that to him this time lol).  i think the difference between then and now is that before, it was coming from a place i was still unsure of.  like i had all these feelings but i had JUST broken up with someone and it was a horrible break up and i hadn't really faced life on my own yet.  and now, it's been a few months, i feel so much better and i'm optimistic that at least i told him how i felt.  so if anything else happens, at least he knows the truth. and also, this time, i wasn't really expecting anything back from him.  maybe if he hadn't of just found out that his friend had cancer it would have been a completely different conversation and he probably would have said yes or no but... of course i picked the worst time ever.  but... it happened today lol.  and hey you know... at least it got him thinking about something other than his friend having cancer, so it can't be all that bad, right?  hey... a really pretty girl likes you.  lmao.

i'm not asking for much.  but i do know that this week has really changed me.  there is no fear in me at all right now.  i mean... i didn't want to cut "her" off, but i did it.  because it was time.  and i didn't want to have this conversation with larry but i did it because apparently, it was time. i think it was the right time because it got him thinking about something other than this horrible news.  i think that's when i started crying though.  i was already sad because the movie was just so moving and it really touched something in me, and then when larry told me about his friend i just broke down.  and then when i was being completely honest with myself, i broke down and cried even more.  the thing about that is... on the retreat, we talked about tears.  and the statue we had of the goddess we were representing cried too at the closing ceremony.  it was pretty awesome, there were actual tears on her face.  and all this week people have been talking about crying, i don't even think it's all sad tears but just renewing the soul kind of tears.  i hadn't cried all week but i guess today they finally came.  i still feel so bad for larry's friend and i think i'm going to say a little prayer in here if that's okay.

Dear God,
hello again, my dearest friend.  tonight i have a prayer request for my beautiful friend, larry.  he is having a hard time with the news that a friend of his has cancer.  i'm not sure what the prognosis is, i wasn't sure if i should ask, but from the way he was talking last night, i don't think it's good.  just please surround both larry and his friend and his friend's family with your loving arms, and protect them with the strength to get through this tough time.  i'm also praying for his friend, that whatever plan you have for him be one that the people around him are prepared to deal with.  only you know when it's his time to go and if this is his time, please don't make him suffer for any longer than he has to.  but if it's not, please make his body strong enough to fight whatever needs to be fought for him to fulfill his purpose on earth a little longer.
thank you so much for everything you've done for me, especially in the past few days.  i am grateful for every blessing you have shown me, especially the rain!!!  finally!!!

in Jesus name,
amen.

i hope that wasn't too cheesy.  i think it was just right though.  anywho...
tomorrow is friday!!!  yippie!!  i'm going to the mall with geoff to pick out a hippie dress for the ren fair on sunday.  i really hope i find something pretty.  also... saturday i'm cleaning out my car!!  yay. i love you and i hope you are doing well. and i only got to study a little bit today :/.  i'm gonna go back to watching Twilight now.
Love,
Daisy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~song project~
There are a whole ton of ways to analyze songs. I am going to go stanza by stanza (every 2 to 4 lines) and write what I think the artist is saying, separate from the song in general.  And then I am going to write what I think about it as a whole and what it means to me/why I chose it. The lyrics will come first and then my meaning will be in parenthesis (like this).


Song #1: Fucking Perfect by Pink

Made a wrong turn
once or twice
dug my way out
blood and fire
(she is admitting to making choices that weren't always right, that did a lot of damage and she found her way out of the mess.)

Bad decisions
that's alright
welcome to my silly life
(No matter what, she is taking responsibility for everything and embracing it, rather than running away from it.)

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
miss "no way, it's all good"
it didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, "look I'm still around."
(haven't we all felt like this?  we have all been treated like shit but... we are survivors and we made it this far.  This has to be my favorite line ever, the last one.  You and me have that in common, people think they can hurt us and break us down but we are still fighting!)

Pretty, pretty please don't you
ever, ever feel
like you're less than FUCKING perfect.
pretty, pretty please if you ever
ever feel
like you're nothing,
you're perfect to me.
(this is a plea.  she is saying that you don't need to change one thing about yourself, you are awesome the way you are.

You're so mean when you talk
about yourself.  You were wrong.
change the voices in your head
make them like you instead

(this is for all the mean "self talkers" out there who have nothing good or positive to say about themselves. when you constantly shoot yourself down, it kills your self-worth.  Make those bad thoughts say the opposite of whatever negativity you have to say.)

So complicated,
look happy, you'll make it
filled with so much hatred
such a tired game
(this is that "fake it till you make it" crap that people do.  it becomes exhausting to hide what you really feel, so much better to recognize that you're hurting.)

It's enough, I've done all
i could think of
chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same
(ohh ohhhh)
(she has come to terms with the demons in her life, making them a part of her and accepting what happened to make her who she is now.  sometimes just recognizing what's happened and grieving it is enough to let go of what's gone.  it's all part of growing as a person.)

*chorus*

The whole world's scared
so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking
Is an ice cold beer
(she takes the weight of the world on her shoulders, everyone's fears as her own but she knows it's dangerous, that the only thing she should be doing is relaxing and doing what SHE wants.)

so cool in line
and we try try try
but we try too hard
and it's a waste of my time
(we try so hard to be "cool", right look, right clothes, right attitude, etc.  but in trying to figure out what is acceptable from another's perspective, we will always fail simply because we're not being ourselves.  it IS a waste of time to try and live up to what others think we should be like.)

done looking for the critics
cuz they're everywhere
they don't like my jeans
they don't get my hair
(she is done looking for acceptance from anyone besides herself.  critics are everywhere and they don't get her style so they poke fun at her and they don't even bother trying to understand anything about her.  what we wear and our hair are two examples of self-expression and when someone in the public eye changes that, theres always room for scrutiny.)

exchange ourselves and
we do it all the time
why do we do that,
why do i do that,
(why do i do that?)
(we are always "throwing ourselves out" for what we think is better.  "exchanging ourselves," or putting our real selves on the rack to please the outside world.  Why does that have to happen when we are perfect the way we are?)

(yeah!)
I'm pretty, pretty, pretty

pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
like you're less than fucking perfect
pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me
(you're perfect, you're perfect)
pretty, pretty, please don't you ever, ever feel
like you're less than fucking perfect.
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever ever feel
like you're nothing, you are perfect to me.

~end~

Ultimately, I picked this song because it reminds me of you.  It is a message I have been trying to get out to you for years now.  And not just you, it is a great message for everyone (me included) who are at times feels like we aren't good enough for ourselves.  WE ARE ALL FUCKING PERFECT!!!