October 6th, 2012

October 6th, 2012
 12:26am

Hey Chels,
 What up? I got your letter today and I read it while I was in line at the drive through at Portillo's. I am kind of worried about this issue you wrote about in the nb, I don't think I read it yet cuz it sounds like I would definitely have something to say about it if I did read it. It makes me really curious to know what I did to offend you. I hope it wasn't something too awful. If I'm going to guess, it's going to be something having to do with your mom and Facebook. I know sometimes I make comments that I can't help and I know that's wrong so I stopped doing it. That's the only thing I can think of. I just hope it wasn't something too bad cuz if you were walking around pissed at something I did and I didn't even know you were offended, I would feel like complete dirt.

So anyway, I found out today that my boyfriend gets to meet Jenny McCarthy at a Halloween party in Geneva (apparently she lives there now, who knew?). I would be jealous but I'm really happy for him, and it leaves me free to be with my tarot group cuz it will be on a Wednesday (Halloween). Jenny McCarthy is one of my heroes. I loved her since Singled Out came out and I followed her career ever since then. I loved her not because of her looks but because of her sense of humor. And when she started reading books, I read almost all of them. I think they're called Belly Laughs, Baby Laughs, and Life Laughs. I would highly recommend those because they're awesome reads. Maybe I will read them again and do some book reviews for them. But yeah. She has been through so much and she still keeps her head held high and she's not afraid to show who she really is and I really admire that. It would be awesome if I could come too but... I don't need to. That's all him. I'm proud of him though, when I first met him he didn't have a job. I mean, he wasn't just sitting on his ass doing nothing, he is putting himself through school, but he wasn't doing much with his days. And as much as I enjoyed spending so much time with him, I felt like I was neglecting my dad a little bit. So, I'm really glad that he found something he's really happy about and that his boss likes him enough to involve him in this zombie celebrity party thing. And I'm also happy because I have that happy medium in my life... If I'm gonna visit James it won't be before 6-7pm because I don't want my dad alone all day unless it's a weekend day when we spend the whole day together. Yeah I will miss him cuz I did like seeing him all the time but at least it won't be an entire month before I see him again.

I've been thinking about this Larry thing, and I have to say that I'm kind of nervous about seeing him again. I don't think I would be tempted to do anything with him or that he would try anything with me, I'm just nervous about being strong enough to say what I need to say and hear what he has to say for himself. I can see myself getting halfway through and then crying. Which isn't a bad thing but I don't want to cry in front of him. I just don't get how he thought he wasn't good enough for me so he sabotaged what ever would have happened between us before we ever got a chance to find out. Now I'm understanding a bit more of why he's still single. And another thing is that I have to tell James. I mean he tells me everything and I want to be honest and tell him what's going on. I just don't want to say anything until after it's already done. I don't even know what I would even say. "so, this guy I slept with after I broke up with my boyfriend wants to have a talk with me.". Hmm... Even nice guys have their limits.

Alright, he was supposed to call me back but I'm calling it a night, I'm freaking exhausted. I love you.  And I'm excited for tomorrow. I have this angel archetype workshop tomorrow.

Love,
 Rita

12:59am

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Limp lyrics
You wanna make me sick;
You wanna lick my wounds,
Don't you, baby?
You want the badge of honour when you save my hide
(this guy wants to manipulate her to feel the way he wants her to feel, then wants the whole world to know when he's done something good).
But you're the one in the way
Of the day of doom, baby
If you need my shame to reclaim your pride
(this always makes me think of Mike. He felt great about himself when I felt the shittiest and he wanted everyone to know that he was in charge).
And when I think of it, my fingers turn to fists
I never did anything to you, man
But no matter what I try
You'll beat me with your bitter lies
So call me crazy, hold me down
Make me cry; get off now, baby-
It won't be long till you'll be
Lying limp in your own hand
(I love this chorus. And it's true. With some people, you just can't win. No matter what you know in your heart to be true, there will always be somebody who will try and say and do what he can to make sure you stay down. But in the end he will only have himself and no one else).
You feed the beast I have within me
You wave the red flag, baby you make it run run run
(he knows how to press her buttons, and everything about this man is wrong).
Standing on the sidelines, waving and grinning
You fondle my trigger, then you blame my gun
(he knows how to work her, then blames her for her getting upset at whatever he does).

And when I think of it, my fingers turn to fists
I never did anything to you, man
But no matter what I try
You'll beat me with your bitter lies
So call me crazy, hold me down
Make me cry; get off now, baby-
It won't be long till you'll be
Lying limp in your own hand
[instrumental interlude]

And when I think of it, my fingers turn to fists
I never did anything to you, man
But no matter what I try
You'll beat me with your bitter lies
So call me crazy, hold me down
Make me cry; get off now, baby-
It won't be long till you'll be
Lying limp in your own hand.

I love this song. It's how I have felt at one point or another in all of my relationships but no one has hurt me the way my most recent ex did. It's like he knew what to say to get me to act how he wanted me to act and he knew that all I wanted was him so he gave me enough to not as questions. And now I'm pretty damn sure that no matter what, according to him I lied about a lot of things that of course I didn't. He can do whatever he wants and even fuck whoever and whatever he wants, the truth will always come out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THIS IS “WHAT” I SAW WHEN I DIED….
WRITTEN BY: MISSTILA - OCT• 23•12
WHEN I HAD MY 7TH NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE EARLIER THIS YEAR ON FEB. 28TH, 2012.

THAT IS ALL I SHALL SAY.  DECIPHER IT AS YOU WILL.  I SHALL SPEAK NO MORE ON THIS SUBJECT, HOWEVER, MY CONSTANT BATTLE TO EXPOSE “THE OTHERS” AKA THE “EVIL ONES” SHALL CONTINUE UNTIL ON!!! AND I SHALL NOT STOP EXPOSING THEM! BELIEVE THAT!

 THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT DURING  THIS CRUCIAL TIME ON EARTH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR LOVE, SUPPORT AND PRAYERS FOR ME WHILE I RAGE ON AGAINST THE DEMONS OF THIS WORLD, HELPS MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER REALIZE.  I LOVE YOU.-MISS TILA

ps-I would also like to relay another message to everyone that INDEED THERE ARE SUCH THINGS AS REAL ANGELS OF LIGHT! AND INDEED WE ARE HERE IN DRONES TO HELP MANKIND MAKE THE NEXT SHIFT INTO A HIGHER EVOLUTION AS THIS CURRENT WORLD WE LIVE IN HAS BEEN ABSOLUTELY TAKEN OVER BY EVILS!!!!  SO DON’T LET THE EVIL ONES TRICK YOU OR STEER YOU AWAY FROM THE ANGELS WHO INDEED HAVE COME BACK HERE TO HELP MANKIND WAKE UP FROM THIS DARKNESS RULED BY SATAN FOR SOME TIME NOW BUT THAT TIME IS ABOUT TO END SOON!

JUST KNOW THAT “LIGHT WORKERS” ARE REAL!  DON’T LET THE ILLUMINATI’S “NEW AGE DECEPTION” TWIST, AND CONFUSE YOUR TRUE HEART AND SOUL FROM SEEING THE TRUTH! DON’T ALLOW THEM TO CONFUSE YOU DURING THIS CRUCIAL TIME FOR MANKIND’S CHANCE FOR A REAL EVOLUTIONARY CHANGE TO RISE ABOVE AND COME BACK TO OUR HUMAN SELVES!  FOR OUR TRUE DNA TO BE RE-ALIGNED AND ONCE AGAIN CONNECTED TO THE UNIVERSE!!!!  NEVER AGAIN TO FEEL SO “DIVIDED OR LOST!”  I PRAY THOSE OF YOU WHO HEAR ME CAN HEAR MY MESSAGE! I CANNOT DO THIS ALONE!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~The Cullen Home~
 ---------------
The Cullens' house in Forks is more than a hundred years old.  Painstakingly restored by Esme, it is painted white, is three stories tall, and features a deep porch that wraps around the front of the house.  The back, south-facing wall is three stories of glass.
The inside of the first story is open and bright, with few internal walls.  To the left of the front door is a wide central staircase.  To the right is a raised area with a grand piano in the center.  Also to the right are a dining room and kitchen, but these are more for show than for actual use.  Behind the stairs is the office of C.E.E. Inc., the Cullens' personal company, where they manage all of their business dealings.
At the top of the staircase on the second floor is the room that Rosalie and Emmett share.  Moving around the central stairs clockwise, first comes Jasper's study, then Alice and Jasper's room, with an attached closet that is larger than the room itself.  Carlisle's office is next, with an area inside for Esme's study and Carlisle's personal library.  During Bella's pregnancy, the library was converted into a combination exam and delivery room.
The room that Carlisle and Esme share is at the top of the staircase on the third floor.  Edward's room is also on this floor, facing south.  The remainder of the third floor is called the library and is used for any technically illegal activity, such as forging birth certificates and hacking into computer systems, which the Cullens must do in order to maintain the various identities needed to live unnoticed in human society.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dream for 8/2/12
-----------------
This dream was a little clearer. I was at some sort of outlet mall taking pictures of some crazy outfits when who should I bump into but Ryan Brennan. He saw me and automatically scooped me up and we hugged for a long time. Then I asked him what he was doing here and he took me into this room with a tv and a couch and told me he was picking something up for someone. Sean from Degrassi was freaking out because apparently he and I messed around and he was worried it was going to ruin my chances to do anything with Ryan. But it didn't. We were sitting on the couch and he kept changing outfits, I told him that he had changed 3 times since our reunion. And then he started taking his clothes off and tried to get me to do the same but I wasn't having it so he excused himself and didn't come back for the rest of the dream. So, after I figured out he wasn't coming back I went to a party at Alex's house and it was kind of strange. Everyone was inside and there were sing-a-longs and Anthony looked kind of fat again. When he was just a baby he had this problem with anemia that caused him to swell... That's what it looked like here. So, people kept calling so eventually I answered the phone so she wouldn't have to worry about it and this lady told me she was at someone's place of business and I asked her if she knew how to get to the house from there and I said, "good, cuz I don't.". She laughed and we hung up and I went to go find alex who was cleaning stuff up already and she started talking about a couple friends who were into music who were beginning their careers and then she went back to cleaning again and I got the impression that she had given up that dream to be a wife and mother.

All in all, very insightful dream. My friends never met Ryan so it would make sense that he'd disappear in my dream, as well. But I'm not sure what the rest of it means, just that a bunch of it was pretty damn specific.